“You didn’t want to upset me.”
Beth bit her lip and nodded.
“You could have told me, Beth. I think it’s fantastic,” I said, grabbing her hand.
“You do?”
“You two are amazing together. You don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine,” I said, squeezing her hand.
“Yeah…you being fine is exactly what I’m worried about,” she grumbled.
Two hours later, Ryan’s Tundra honked from the curb. Ryan opened the door for us and then hopped back in, turning the music down.
“Did you have a good time, Babe?” he asked, kissing my cheek.
“Yeah, it was fun,” I answered.
“Well, you look gorgeous. I’m afraid to take you anywhere looking like that. I might have to fight somebody,” he said, winking.
“Quit it,” I smiled, rolling my eyes.
We arrived at the pub, and I could hear the music thumping from the street. I knew Kim had beaten us there, because it was her crazy music filtering through the door. When we walked in, our friends were already on the dance floor, arms up, bouncing around. Ryan grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the floor, twirling me around.
In that moment I was just like them. I was a normal college student, with my entire normal life ahead of me. I smiled, and it felt natural. I drank shots, toasted to the Big Brown Bear, and hugged my friends. It was bittersweet freedom.
The music slowed, and Ryan pulled me to him. We were both sticky from dancing, and I pulled the wet strands of my bangs away from my face.
Holding my hand up to the dim light, he smiled. “Those are some pretty nails you have there.”
“My boyfriend forced me to go to the spa today. He made me spend the afternoon with one of my girlfriends,” I teased.
“Really? He sounds like a great guy. If I were you, I’d hang on to him…sounds like a keeper.”
I watched his face for a moment and then rested my cheek on his shoulder. Ryan wrapped his arms tighter around me and pressed his face into my hair.
“It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” he whispered in my ear. “If we stopped pretending?”
I shut my eyes and remained silent.
We returned to the bar for another round of shots when I saw Kim heading outside, a cigarette already between her lips. I stumbled out behind her and raked my matted hair from my forehead as she flicked her lighter.
“Can I have one?” I asked, breathless and weaving.
“You want a cigarette?” she asked in disbelief.
I nodded and Kim shrugged, pulling a stubby white stick from the small box she was holding.
I put the cigarette between my lips flicked the lighter. Just as it sparked, Jared appeared in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.
“What are you doing?” He pulled the cigarette from my mouth, broke it in half, and threw it to the ground. “You don’t smoke.” He frowned in disapproval, and I shrunk back into Kim.
“You’re drunk, Ryan’s drunk, I’m taking you home,” he said in a father-like tone.
I turned to open the door to the pub, but Jared grabbed my wrist. “Then let me call you a cab,” his voice lost its authority and I winced at the pain in his voice.
Jared’s hand was the same warm blanket I remembered. After the number of drinks I’d had, I couldn’t hide my feelings. Jared’s eyes became animated in reaction.
He looked down to my hand and caressed my skin with his thumb. He had sensed the pensive feeling I’d had at his touch.
I pulled away. “You need to go.”
“I can’t let you go with him when he’s been drinking.”
“Ryan already—,” I began.
“Jared,” Ryan said, bursting out of the bar. He nodded once at Jared and then looked at me and smiled. “Hey, Babe,” he said, jerking me against him and planting his mouth on mine.
My eyes widened and then I clinched them shut, trying to cover the fact that I was taken off-guard. After a few seconds, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and then cupped my cheeks, kissing me again. I could tell by the way he held me that it was no longer for show. He had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips, lightly touching his tongue to mine.
I pulled away and immediately watched for Jared’s reaction; his expression frightened me. I slowly moved to stand in front of Ryan.
“Jared.…” I warned.
Jared’s breathing was uneven, and his eyes were raging storms. “Move out of the way, Nina.”
“She’s made her choice, Jared. It’s time you found someone else to….”
Jared lunged forward and then jerked back, held by two small hands.
“It’s time to go,” Claire said as her brother froze under her touch.
“Hey, Claire!” Ryan smiled, unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital.
Claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression, keeping firm hands on her brother. She seemed surprised that Ryan had acknowledged her.
The cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked. I backed up against Ryan, turning to push him to safety. Jared walked toward me and for the first time I felt safer knowing Claire was near.
“Nina?” Ryan called from inside the cab.
Jared stood just a few inches from me. “Don’t go home with him,” he begged, his face compressing inward. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll stay away; you won’t even know I exist. Don’t do something we’ll all regret just to push me away.”
Ryan poked his head out of the open door. “Who says she hasn’t already?” he asked, gripping my inner thigh.
Jared didn’t get far when he charged Ryan for the second time. Claire had kept her grip on him.
I wanted to tell Jared the truth: that he was the only one I’d ever wanted in that way, and he would always be the only one. But I couldn’t. He had just told me he would move on, and I had to let him.
“Come on, Jared. She’s not worth it,” Claire said, tugging on him.
Jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “She’s worth it. She’s worth this a thousand times,” his eyes glossed over then, and he finally tore his stare away from mine to follow his sister.
I slid in next to Ryan and he reached across me to shut the door. The cab ride seemed to take an eternity. I could hear Ryan chattering, but the look on Jared’s face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe. I rolled down the window and rested my head against the door, letting the icy wind burn my face.
“Hey? You okay?” Ryan asked.
I couldn’t answer. My heart was breaking; a real, physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body. Ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me against him. I expected to feel the comfort I always felt with him, but it only made me feel worse.
When we pulled into Brown, Ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab. He twirled me a few times as we walked to Andrews, and when we reached the door, he pulled me to him.
“Goodnight,” he said, kissing my cheek. His lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps, prompting a slow, silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I should go in,” I whispered.
Ryan’s lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth. He sighed as he made his way to my other cheek, and then kissed me again.
He took a few steps backward and grinned. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, turning to disappear into the darkness.
With each step to my room I tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong. I hadn’t set out
