CHAPTER 5
I woke the next morning to find the sun streaming in the open window. Phoebe brought a cup of tea to my bedside. How delightfully different everything was from the rigid severity of my life in the girls' school. My marble- tiled bathroom seemed a paradise on this summer morning. I was allowed to choose my own frock, and Phoebe dressed me according to my choice. I wore a short walking skirt and coat of plain white silk with a white lace blouse that had a low baby collar that left my throat free. With this cool dress, I wore pale grey silk stockings and grey suede shoes with high Cuban heels. A belt of pink satin, a big straw hat, and elbow-length grey suede gloves completed the costume. I went downstairs and had a walk in the garden until Helen's friends came down. Then we went into a delicious breakfast with fruit and hot rolls.
Everyone from Helen to Doris was as kind to me as it was possible for anyone to be. Helen of course was pursuing her policy: She wanted me to enjoy my life as a girl. She wanted me to love it.
After breakfast Doris was driven off in one of the motorcars to her school in the neighboring town of Mark's Cross. I was free from tiresome lessons and long hours in the schoolroom. I took up the Daily Mail and settled down on a cushioned chair on the veranda with a cigarette. Violet, who was a few months younger than I, joined me. Helen came upon us with a smile upon her face.
'What do you girls want to do this morning?' she asked. 'You won't want to stay in and I should be very glad, since I am busy, if you would drive down in the governess cart together to the village and take some messages for me.'
'That will be jolly,' cried Violet and she looked at me with a smiling face. 'I shall love going out with pretty Denise.'
'Then I will order the cart for eleven,' said Helen. 'You won't want a groom with you. You can always find someone to hold the pony in the village.'
What a change for me! For two years, I had never gone out except with a governess who made us walk two and two and forbade us to talk. Now Violet and I were to drive alone! Thus began a delightful day of freedom for me. The freedom was certainly tempered by some dainty tyranny exercised by Violet. But she was so sweet and loving that I adored being tyrannized by her. For instance, just before the time we were to start off she came to me and said:
'I like your coat and skirt, dear, immensely. But you have prettier hats than the one you are wearing, I am sure, and although those little grey suede shoes and gloves are no doubt very comfortable, I don't think they are smart enough for you to wear when you go out with me.'
'All right, Violet,' I said laughing, and I ran upstairs to my room. I chose a very big leghorn hat adorned with a broad ribbon of white velvet on the crown and tied with an enormous bow and a row of pink roses to match my belt. And I changed into white transparent silk stockings with little, new white shoes, with sparkling buckles and high Louis Quinze heels. Instead of the grey suede gloves, I put on very long delicate gloves of white that disappeared under the elbow-length sleeves of my white silk coat. I took a pink parasol and ran downstairs to Violet.
'Shall I do now, Violet?' I asked.
She looked me over.
I extended a kid shoe and Violet smiled in approval.
'Yes, buckles and high heels suit you Denise. You look delicious now,' and she flung her arms round my neck and kissed me rapturously. 'Oh how silly you are, Denise, to want to be a man again, when you are such a lovely girl,' she cried.
A groom was holding the pony at the door. We got into the trap. Violet took the reins. I put up my parasol and we drove through the beautiful grounds to the park gates. How I enjoyed the sunlight and the fresh air and the country after being cooped up for so long!
Oh, the contentment and joy I felt in being alone with Violet that lovely morning. The warm spring sun, and the wonderful pleasure of Violet's company was a luxury of freedom that I had not experienced ever. Yet Violet's disposition; her wish to be my tiny tyrant brought to mind and heart a sweet nostalgia for my lovely friend Nellie.
Nellie was my closest companion and dear love during the time I attended the girls' school. When I first arrived at the school, I was filled with apprehension and anger at my predicament. I was feeling a great and terrible excitement, which I now understand as a forceful erotic awakening. I was sensually overwhelmed by the future that entailed masquerading as a young girl. I had been shamed into going to the school, and so upon my arrival, was rather complacent as Helen and Miss. Priscilla arranged everything with the headmistress. Helen had great fun explaining to the headmistress, in lurid detail, about my indiscretion with Guy Repton and the consequent expulsion from my former school.
'He is really quite a monster, and so as his guardian and executor of finances, I have decided that a few years among the refined company of young ladies will only do him good,' Helen explained to the stern headmistress. 'As you can see, he is really quite feminine already, and we have arranged for clothing and two personal maids to attend to his needs and make certain that his true sex is not revealed.'
The headmistress looked me over disparagingly as Helen explained everything to her, and after Helen concluded she paused for a long moment before she answered.
'Well, Miss. Deverel,' she said, at last prying her eyes from my bosom and my girlish hands and feet, 'I am certain that we shall be able to remodel your charge into a refined young lady of society. I must only ask if he is willing to undergo these changes, for if he is here entirely against his wishes, our task will be next to impossible.'
Helen turned to me and said, 'Denise, answer the headmistress.'
I lowered my eyes in shame and said quietly, 'I wish to be here, Madam. Please accept me as Miss. Denise Beryl.'
'Very well,' said the headmistress. 'You shall stay. You really do look more a girl that a man. You know that, don't you?'
I kept my eyes lowered and nodded yes. I was hiding a smile, for I felt that she had just complimented me, and my feelings confused me, for I knew any other young man would have been outraged. I was inwardly exploding with joy. In truth, the events that had started as a consequence of the episode with Guy Repton, the impending punishments, and imprisonment among the lovely young ladies of the school were the greatest and happiest events of my life. But I did not completely understand that at the time.
'She shall have her own room so that the maids can help him dress, and attend to the special regimen that I have constructed for her,' said Miss. Priscilla. 'She will be needing massages and special care in order to keep her appearances as feminine as possible.'
'Yes, and we have had sent a wardrobe befitting a girl of her rank. I do hope this arrangement will be to your satisfaction, Madam,' said Helen to the headmistress.
The headmistress nodded, and then instructed us to say our farewells, for I had a lot of adjusting to do as a new pupil in her school.
My eyes met Helen's as we said good-bye, and within our gaze a mutual agreement was passed. I would acquiesce to her power. She understood me more than I understood myself at that moment. Power became her, and her lovely dark eyes gleamed with an unnatural glow.
'Good-bye dear Dennis. We shan't be seeing each other for quite a while. Be a good girl, Denise, and mind what the mistress says.' She kissed me lightly on the lips, and left the room, Miss. Priscilla following her out.
Soon the headmistress returned to the parlour, and her stern presence frightened and excited me. This was supposed to be a punishment, and I did not want to betray the exquisite sensation of happiness that was beginning to flood my being. I was afraid that if the women who were controlling me knew what a great coup this was for me, they would retract and redesign their plan for me. I kept my face as expressionless as possible and my shining eyes cast to the floor.
'Now,' said the headmistress sternly, 'we shall design some rules for you. You are to obey them stringently or you shall be severely punished. As much as you look and behave like a young lady, the truth of your sex remains. You are not to reveal to anyone,with the exception of the maids and myself, your true gender. If you do, you shall be unconditionally expelled. You are to behave in a modest fashion at all times, and I expect nothing more than perfect submission to all the ordinances that apply to all the other girls here. Is that understood, Denise?'
