The Knife of Never Letting Go

And dying.

I don’t know what to say about that neither.

(He’s gone, he’s gone.)

I feel empty. All over empty.

“No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to, Todd,” Doctor Snow says gently. “But the eldermen of the village would like to talk to you before you leave us.”

I tighten my mouth. “Bout what?”

“About anything that might help.”

“How can I help?” I say, grabbing a washed shirt to put on. “The army will come and kill everyone here who don’t join it. That’s it.”

“This is our home, Todd,” he says. “We’re going to defend it. We have no choice.”

“Then count me out—” I start to say.

“Daddy?” we hear.

There’s a little boy standing in the doorway next to Viola.

An actual boy.

He’s looking up at me, eyes wide open, his Noise a funny, bright, roomy thing and I can hear myself described as skinny and scar and sleeping boy and at the same time there are all kindsa warm thoughts towards his pa with just the word daddy repeated over and over again, meaning everything you’d want it to: askings about me, identifying his daddy, telling him he loves him, all in one word, repeated forever.

“Hey, fella,” Doctor Snow says. “Jacob, this is Todd. All woke up.”

Jacob looks at me solemnly, a finger in his mouth, and gives a little nod. “Goat’s not milking,” he says quietly.

“Is she not?” Doctor Snow says, standing up. “Well, we’d better go see if we can talk her into it, hadn’t we?”

Daddy daddy daddy says Jacob’s Noise.

“I’ll see to the goat,” Doctor Snow is saying to me, “and then I’ll go round up the rest of the eldermen.”

I can’t stop staring at Jacob. Who can’t stop staring at me.

He’s so much closer than the kids I saw at Farbranch.

And he’s so small.

Was I that small?

Doctor Snow’s still talking. “I’ll bring the eldermen back here, see if you can’t help us.” He leans down till I’m looking at him. “And if we can’t help you.”

His Noise is sincere, truthful. I believe he means what he says. I also believe he’s mistaken.

“Maybe,” he says, with a smile. “Maybe not. You haven’t even seen the place yet. Come on, Jake.” He takes his son’s hand. “There’s food in the kitchen. I’ll bet you’re starved. Be back within the hour.” I go to the door to watch them leave. Jacob, finger still in his mouth, looks back at me till he and his pa disappear outta the house.

“How old is that?” I ask Viola, still looking down the hallway. “I don’t even know how old that is.”

“He’s four,” she says. “He’s told me about 800 times. Which seems kind of young to be milking goats.”

“Not on New World, it ain’t,” I say. I turn back to her and her hands are on her hips and she’s giving me a serious look.

“Come and eat,” she says. “We need to talk.”

33. CARBONEL DOWNS

She leads me to a kitchen as clean and bright as the bedroom. River still rushing by outside, birds still Noisy, music still–

“What is that music?” I say, going to the window to look out. Sometimes it seems like I reckernize it but when I listen close, it’s voices changing over voices, running around itself.

“It’s from loudspeakers up in the main settlement,” Viola says, taking a plate of cold meat outta the fridge.

I sit down at the table. “Is there some kinda festival going on?”

“No,” she says, in a way that means just wait. “Not a festival.” She gets out bread and some orange fruit I ain’t never seen before and then some red-coloured drink that tastes of berries and sugar.

I dig into the food. “Tell me.”

“Doctor Snow is a good man,” she says, like I need to know this first. “Everything about him is good and kind and he worked so hard to save you, Todd, I mean it.”

“Okay. So what’s up?”

“That music plays all day and all night,” she says, watching me eat. “It’s faint here at the house, but in the settlement, you can’t hear yourself think.”

I pause at a mouthful of bread. “Like the pub.”

“What pub?”

“The pub in Prent—” I stop. “Where do they think we’re from?”

“Farbranch.”

I sigh. “I’ll do my best.” I take a bite of the fruit. “The pub where I come from played music all the time to try and drown out the Noise.”

She nods. “I asked Doctor Snow why they did it here, and he said, ‘To keep men’s thoughts private’.”

I shrug. “It makes an awful racket, but it kinda makes sense, don’t it? One way to deal with the Noise.”

“Men’s thoughts, Todd,” she says. “Men. And you notice he said he was going to ask the eldermen to come seek out your advice?”

I get a horrible thought. “Did the women all die here, too?”

“Oh, there’s women,” she says, fiddling with a butter knife. “They clean and they cook and they make babies and they all live in a big dormitory outside of town where they can’t interfere in men’s business.” I put down a forkful of meat. “I saw a place like that when I was coming to find you. Men sleeping in one place, women in another.”

“Todd,” she says, looking at me. “They wouldn’t listen to me. Not one thing. Not a word I said about the army. They kept calling me little girl and practically patting me on the bloody head.” She crosses her arms. “The only reason they want to talk to you about it now is because caravans of refugees started showing up on the river road.”

“Wilf,” I say.

Her eyes scan over me, reading my Noise. “Oh,” she says. “No, I haven’t seen him.”

“Wait a minute.” I swallow some more drink. It feels like I haven’t drunk anything for years. “How did we get so far ahead of the army? How come if I’ve been here five days we ain’t been overrun yet?” “We were in that boat for a day and a half,” she says, running her nail at something stuck on the table.

“A day and a half,” I repeat, thinking about this. “We musta come miles.”

“Miles and miles,” she says. “I just let us float and float and float. I was too afraid to stop at the places I passed. You wouldn’t believe some of the things…” She drifts off, shaking her head.

I remember Jane’s warnings. “Naked people and glass houses?” I ask.

Viola looks at me strange. “No,” she says, curling her lip. “Just poverty. Just horrible, horrible poverty. Some of those places looked like they would have eaten us so I just kept on and on and you got sicker and sicker and then on the second morning I saw Doctor Snow and Jacob out fishing and I could see in his Noise he was a doctor and as weird as this place is about women, it’s at least clean.” I look around the clean, clean kitchen. “We can’t stay,” I