'She didn't let you walk away. She cares about you.'
'I know,' Jherek said thickly, 'but I'm afraid to let that happen either. If I foolishly ever thought that it might. She deserves someone much better than me.'
'Why haven't you told her about your past?'
'Because,' Jherek said, 'my father killed her brother, and I was on Bunyip, hanging in the rigging and watching when he did it.'
Glawinn cleared his throat. 'I see. That does present some difficulty.'
'And there again,' Jherek said, 'is the ill luck that has been bequeathed to me in this life. I find a woman and feel something for her that I've never known, never allowed myself to feel except in the occasional fantasy of a story I was reading, and my father has murdered her brother. That's why I've made my decision.'
He curled his fist around Ilmater's symbol, then threw it far out to sea. The white clay hands caught the light for a brief moment, then disappeared from sight. Jherek felt empty, but he filled it in with the newfound cold rage that had claimed him earlier that day. Live, that you may suffer. From here on, any suffering he experienced was going to be on his terms.
'Now what, young warrior? You have no hope and no god. What are you going to do with yourself?'
'Hope only got in my way,' Jherek replied. 'I'm going to be a realist. I have no god because I've never had one. I'm going to get that pearl disk from Vurgrom or die trying because I don't know what else to do.'
'Is that it? Or is part of it because you still believe returning the disk to the temple of Lathander in Baldur's Gate is the right thing to do?'
'Azla pursues Vurgrom,' Jherek said. 'Ill ship with her and see that my part of it is done. When everything in my past life is dealt with, I can begin anew.'
'Then where will you go?'
'I'm not even going to think about it,' Jherek declared, trying to imagine such a time. 'I'll eat when I'm hungry. Ill sleep when I'm tired. Ill work when I have to. Ill settle with that out of life until I'm dead.'
'What a bleak, hard life you've set for yourself.'
Jherek shook his head. 'There'll be no false expectations.'
'So you choose to believe in nothing?'
'Aye.'
'We'll start with small beliefs, then,' Glawinn said, drawing his sword. 'Get your weapon out and I'll begin with trust with your eye and your sword arm, young warrior. Your eye and your sword arm-and well let your heart take care of itself.' He waved his broadsword about in invitation.
'It's dark.'
'Do you think every fight you're going to wage will be well lighted?'
'No.' Jherek already knew that.
'Then draw your sword and show me your best. Or do you think you have anything better to do?'
Jherek stepped back and drew the cutlass from his sash. His left arm still hurt and was healing slowly. Dark shadows limned the paladin's face. In the next instant, the sound of steel ringing on steel filled the deck and echoed over the Alamber Sea.
Glawinn pressed him hard, driving him backward, coming closer than he ever had in practice to actually cutting him. 'Come on, young warrior, show me what you have. Or has your disbelief exhausted your strength and skill as well?'
Growing angry but tempering it with the cold rage that filled him, Jherek beat back the attacks, stepping up his own retaliation.
'You'll believe in your eye and your arm,' Glawinn promised again. 'The heart will take care of itself. You'll see.'
Jherek drove him back, circling closely to turn him to his weak side. He wished Glawinn would shut up.
They fought until Jherek's arm trembled and he was covered in sweat. The young sailor tried to beat back the paladin's offense, tried to chew through his defense, and tried to overpower him at every turn. Jherek fought until the rage filled him and slipped past his control. His blade moved faster. He no longer thought of any restraints.
'That's it, young warrior,' Glawinn said softly. 'Get it out. Let it all out.'
'Shut up!' Jherek said.
'Get it all out. All the frustration and fear and anger. Give it to me. Once you get rid of it, you'll fill up again. You'll see.'
Glawinn fought even more fiercely, his blade moved like a live thing hammered into the steel. Jherek couldn't even see the blades any more, only the red fog of anger that clouded his vision in the darkness. He was vaguely aware of the crowd of sailors that had been attracted to the duel.
'Give me your anger,' Glawinn coaxed.
Jherek swung harder, faster, and sparks shot from the blades. His legs quivered from the strain of keeping up with his arm as they moved him across the deck. He concentrated all his hate on the paladin, just wanting the man to shut up.
Then, without the least indication of what he was going to do, Glawinn dropped his sword point to the deck, leaving himself totally defenseless. Jherek checked his swing with difficulty, missing a diagonal cross-body slash that would have cut Glawinn from right shoulder to left hip if it had landed.
'What are you doing?' he shouted. 'I could have killed you!'
'Proving to you that you can trust your eye and your arm,' Glawinn stated calmly.
'And what if I hadn't been able to stop myself?'
'Then I'd have been wrong.'
Suddenly overcome with emotion, Jherek threw the cutlass down and turned to walk away.
Glawinn sheathed his own weapon and grabbed him by the shirtfront. 'Where are you going?'
'Away,' Jherek answered. 'Away from you and this madness.' He tried to push away, but the paladin held him too tightly.
'No. You must realize what you were able to do. What skills you have.'
'I could have killed you,' Jherek said hoarsely, not believing the man couldn't understand him.
'But you didn't. Don't you see that?'
'No,' Jherek answered. 'No, I don't. You took a fool's chance with your life.'
'I trusted your skill so that you could trust it too. Your eye and your arm, Jherek. I'll teach you to believe, but we'll begin there.'
'I could have killed you.'
The image of the knight with his chest and belly split open filled Jherek's head and made him sick. Nausea boiled up inside him and Glawinn helped him over to the railing. Later, when he was finished and there was nothing else to give up, Glawinn pulled him back. Jherek's mouth was filled with the sour taste.
'And what if you had killed me, young warrior?' the knight asked in a ragged whisper. 'Would it have mattered?'
'Aye'
'If you're so empty of caring, it shouldn't have. You may think your heart's empty, but it's not.' Glawinn held him at arm's length, both of them breathing hard and covered with sweat. 'It's not completely empty. Trust what's within your reach and the rest will come.' Tears ran down the knight's face as he held the young sailor's face between his callused hands. 'I give you my promise.'
Jherek wished desperately that he could believe, but he couldn't. There'd been too many lies.
XXIX
2 Flamerule, the Year of the Gauntlet
Tarjana cleaved steadily through the water, deep into the territory of Aleaxtis. Vahaxtyl, the sahuagin capital, lay in ruins less than five hundred yards away, riven by the volcano's explosion the day before.
Standing on the enchanted mudship's prow, Laaqueel stared out at the destruction scattered over the bed of the Alamber Sea. It was worse than she had expected. For a time she'd feared none of the sahuagin community
