Josh reached over and put his arm around my shoulders, and it was everything I could do not to gasp. Nobody had touched me for such a long time that just a little bit of contact made my knees wobbly. I tried to savor the weight of his arm on the back of my neck, the faint, warm, clean smell making me want to turn and bury my face in his collar. My heart was beating so fast I was sure he would notice the jolt of energy that ran up my spine. I should have stopped time then—framed this one perfect moment so I could go back and look at it again and again. His shiny brown hair flopped in his eyes as he gave me a barely perceptible wink.
Justine leaned back and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “You’re here with
Josh pulled me closer to him, and I could feel the heat from his body and the muscles in his arm as he flexed. “Of course,” he said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. I knew it was all a joke—he was only doing it so Justine would turn around and tell Cara. Josh probably wanted to get back together with her, and sparking some jealousy was always a good choice. Still, if I was being used, I can’t say I minded all that much.
“What can I get you?” the old guy behind the counter asked as we reached the front of the line. Josh dropped his arm and my shoulders felt neglected and cold immediately.
“One jumbo popcorn,” he said, turning his back on Justine and the other girls. “You don’t mind sharing, do you?” he asked, bumping my arm. I smiled and shook my head, prepared to go along with the joke as long as he wanted. Not only did I get to pretend to be with Josh, but I got to piss off Justine Hildebrandt, and that was never a bad thing. As we walked toward the theater, I couldn’t help but glance back at Justine and feel a secret thrill at the scowl on her face as Josh pretended to be interested in walking with me.
I didn’t even really like popcorn, but I ate it through the whole movie because our fingers brushed as we reached into the bucket at the same time. I was glad the movie was blaring so I didn’t have to think of anything interesting to say and could just pretend we were on an actual date instead of playing some game that would end as soon as the lights came on.
Steve and Kaylie weren’t exactly holding hands as they walked out of the theater, but their shoulders kept brushing as they bumped into each other. Cozy, for sure. I was walking behind them as slowly as I could to make the moment last as long as possible. Pretty soon, we’d reach the big glass front doors, and that’s where it would stop. Without Justine around, Josh wouldn’t have to pretend anymore, and I’d be just me, stuck watching him safely from a distance once again. We’d almost crossed the lobby in complete silence when Josh stopped and turned to me. “Listen, I play guitar in a band with a bunch of other guys. We’re not too bad—mostly covers, but I write some songs too.”
He said this like I knew nothing about him. Like I didn’t lie in bed in the dark some nights and picture him saying something just like that. I held my breath, hardly believing it was really happening, partly hoping it wasn’t. It was the perfect guy saying the perfect thing at the perfectly wrong time. “Anyway,” he continued, “we’re playing at a party tomorrow night down on Marina. If you’re not doing anything, you want to come by?”
Maybe it was the bright lights of the lobby after being in the dark theater, but the whole place seemed to start throbbing. “That would be cool,” I managed. I had to look down at the ground in order to actually say what had to come next. “But I, uh, don’t think I can make it.” Every fiber of my being was screaming “yes,” but I knew I couldn’t go. Pretending I was on a date with Josh Lee was one thing. Meeting him somewhere on purpose was another. Getting close to someone like him would just be way too risky.
He actually looked a little bummed, which made my heart skip. Either he was a better actor than I thought or this wasn’t completely a joke. “Got a date with someone else?” he asked, watching me out of the corner of his eye.
“Ha! No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, no. But…” God, I’d wished for this moment to happen since I first laid eyes on him, and now that he was asking me out, I was racking my brain for a good reason why I couldn’t go.
He must have seen my indecision. “We play pretty early if you have to be home.” He reached out with his pinky and curled it around mine, playful but secure. I stared at the spot where we touched, hardly able to believe any of this was real.
I looked into those big brown eyes, and against everything I knew I should do, I heard myself say, “Okay. I… I think I can make it.” It was going to be fine, I reasoned. Dating Josh Lee for real would be impossible. Hanging out one single night might be doable.
Josh grinned and squeezed my hand for the briefest second. “I can pick you up if you want.”
And there it was already. My whole body stiffened at the thought. I had to keep him away from the house no matter what. “Oh, no. That’s okay.” I tried to sound as casual as possible. “I’ll come with Kaylie. I’ll probably stay over at her house, anyway.” So much for no more sleepovers. I was sure Steve would be at the party too, which meant she’d be into it.
“Easier to tell your mom you’re at Kaylie’s than you’re out at a party?”
I swallowed hard. “Something like that. She’s, um, really religious and doesn’t let me go out much.”
Josh nodded like he understood. “Must be rough.”
“Yeah. Sometimes it is.” I nodded slowly and looked down at the floor so I couldn’t see his face.
That was the trouble with secrets—the lies you had to tell to keep them hidden almost made you feel worse than telling the truth.
Almost.
chapter 2
9:00 a.m.
After spending all night at Kaylie’s going over every detail, I stood at the bottom of our cracked cement walkway the next morning, the ache in my stomach starting the minute I saw Mom’s car in the driveway. She must have switched schedules with someone at work again. Just when I’d counted on her to be gone.
I really wanted to be alone to think about the party tonight—get it sorted in my head so I wouldn’t make any big mistakes, but if Mom was home, the hassling would start the minute I hit the front door. Kaylie was excited about the whole Steve and Josh double-dating angle and was going to spend the day figuring out what we were going to wear. It was hard not to get caught up in the excitement. Josh had asked me to come to a party. Me. To a party. Where his band was playing. Unbelievable.
Kaylie’s mom didn’t have to be to work until late, so she’d given me a ride home on the way. Like always, I waited until she had driven around the corner and was safely out of sight before I headed for the front door. Our little gray and white house really didn’t look that bad from out here. If you were paying attention, you could spot the black mold gathering along the edges of the living room windows and the way the curtains were pressed against the glass by stacks of boxes. Those were just small hints about what was really behind the shingled walls, but nobody on the outside ever noticed.
I kicked at the tufts of grass as I slowly made my way toward the porch. Even though Mom had to park the car in the driveway because of all the junk that filled the garage, from out here the house looked pretty normal.
All of our secrets started at the front door.
The TV was on too loud, as always, mercifully covering any noise I made as I came in. Standing on my tiptoes, I peeked into the living room over the tops of the newspaper piles and bags of junk that flooded every inch of open space in the house. Mom wasn’t in her usual spot in the vomit-green recliner, and the lady on television was trying to sell genuine synthetic sapphires to nobody. I let myself relax a little—maybe I could make it to the safety of my room without another confrontation.
Hurrying past the kitchen and down the hall, I glanced around the narrow pathways we’d carved in the piles of newspapers and garbage over the years. It had gotten easier to get around since I’d grown tall enough to see over the top of a lot of it. Mom was only about five-foot six and she didn’t stack things higher than she could reach. When I was smaller, I used to pretend I was walking at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with the cliffs rising over my head, only instead of a steel blue sky with puffy white clouds, there was a cracked plaster ceiling and a burned-
