once thought of submitting them to the iron in order to remove the wrinkles they’d acquired from the hanger. He pulled on his trousers in front of the mirror to make sure they weren’t that awful: other people wore trousers with creases and pleats, and if he adjusted the waist no one would notice that the garment’s original owner weighed a good fifteen pounds more than their almost stick-like present-day wearer. It was much easier to select the rest of his apparel: he took out the only shirt hanging up, preserved in dusty splendour by the fact he’d never liked it, and reclaimed his everyday shoes, rendered opaque by the film of limescale left by the water he’d used to wipe off the mud stains. You are elegance itself, just look at your profile, Mario Conde, he encouraged himself, contemplating his figure in the mirror: a desirable thirty-six year-old bachelor, ex-policeman, pre-alcoholic, pseudo-writer, practically skeletal and post-romantic, incipiently bald, ulcerous and depressed, and in the final stages of chronic melancholia, insomnia and coffee stocks, ready to share his body, fortune and intellect with any woman, white, black, mulatta, Chinese or non-Muslim Arab, able to cook, wash, iron and, three times a week, accept his tender labours of love.
He lit a cigarette, allowed himself a second dose of cologne and went into the street to confront warm, wet gusts of wind, black heralds of Felix the Ravager, who was already throwing out advance warnings of a predictable destruction of the city. The blacked-out streetlights on the Calzada, bolted and barred doors of houses, the emptiness of the streets swept by the gusts and the drizzle accompanied him to the bus stop, where his heart was almost broken by the sight of a dirty woolly dog dozing on a pile of rubbish, under one of the benches, and fortunately unaware of the approaching tempest. The Count looked at the dog and, for some reason or other, whistled. The animal lifted its head and peered at the man out of a sleepy, hungry haze. “Tell me, Rubbish,” he said, and the animal wagged its tail, as if that were its only real name. “You don’t know a hurricane’s on its way, do you, Rubbish?” he went on, as the dog got up and took two steps towards that speaking being, still wagging its tail. “And it’s a fucking evil hurricane,” he went on, and the animal padded a little nearer. Its eyes were round, like shiny, sweet nuts, and its hair, matted with dirt, fell over its face, as if once combed into a fringe. The Count smiled when the dog stopped in front of him and touched his leg with its warm snout and he couldn’t contain himself any longer: he ran his hand over the animal’s dirty head, repeating his defining epithet: “Rubbish, what can you tell me about your life?” he enquired, thinking perhaps that the animal had been driven from its home by cruel, slightly mad owners, the kind that prefer to kick out their dog rather than relieve it of a couple of lice. Grateful for this gesture of affection, the animal moved its head and licked the man’s hand and the former policeman felt that wet warmth demolish all his feeble anti-streetdog defences. It was an irrational, irrevocable relapse, which forced him to say: “OK, come with me,” and he began to retrace the three blocks separating him from home, with Rubbish as his travelling companion. When they arrived, the Count opened the door and the dog went in as if he’d lived there all his life and he suspected Rubbish must have been having a good laugh. Almost afraid he’d made a mistake, the Count searched his refrigerator and was pleased to find a dark-coloured fish, age unknown, hibernating there, which he put in a casserole with leftover rice and placed over the flame. The smell of food gave a new rhythm to the tail of Rubbish, who even barked twice at the Count, urging him on. “What, are you hurt?” he asked and stroked his head again, until he saw steam rise from the saucepan and switched off the flame. The Count used a fork and knife plucked from the depths of the sink to chop up the fish as best he could and scrape out the rice stuck to the sides of the saucepan.” OK, Rubbish, I apologize for not laying a clean tablecloth, but this is an emergency,” he warned, and took the saucepan out to the terrace and poured the meal into a tin he’d thrown out. “Hey, watch out for bones, and blow first, because it’s hot.” The dog was so patently happy its tail seemed as though it might drop off and, between mouthfuls, it looked up at the extraterrestrial being that had saved it from starvation, the rain and loneliness. While the dog chewed its food, Mario Conde looked for an old rag under the clothes sink and put it next to the door to the terrace, where the animal would be well protected from rain and wind. When Rubbish finished giving a shine to the tin, he pointed to the rag and the animal obeyed: licking its whiskers, the dog turned round three times on the rag before stretching out and crossing its front legs. “Look,” the Count explained slowly: “I’ve got to go out. Stay here if you like. But if you want to go out into the street again, use that passageway. Do whatever you want. I can tell you we don’t always have food here, that if you stay I’ll have to give you a bath, that I spend the day out in the street and am sometimes lonelier than you, but as I’ve not had a dog for many a year, perhaps I’ll take to doggishness again with you… What do you reckon, Rubbish? Well, I’m off. Do whatever you want, and long live freedom!” He concluded his speech and shut the door, with Rubbish’s sincere thanks expressed in the look that accompanied him till man and animal lost sight of each other. “I’m raving mad,” was the Count’s self-diagnosis, and he left the building at a run, as it was almost eight thirty and he hadn’t drunk anything for two hours: on that day when he celebrated his thirty-sixth birthday, became a dog-owner again and gave up being a policeman.
“You finally got here, wild man. Well, what’s your verdict on life?” Skinny greeted him from his wheelchair. The Count saw anxiety ride across the face of his best friend, who was peering out of the front door scrutinizing the horizon for a sight of the birthday boy who was so late. “I called your place twice but no sign of you.”
“Fact was I was buying a dog,” replied the Count as he crossed Josefina’s garden, planted with
“Buying…? A dog…? Mario, don’t give me any more of that shit and give me a hug. Congratulations, my brother,” said Skinny, who’d not been skinny for some time, and spread his tentacles out in order to squeeze a skeletal Mario Conde.
“Thanks, brother.”
“Come on then, your fans are waiting inside.”
“Wait a minute, Skinny, let me ask you a question, and give it me straight: if I write about you, about me, and about the guys in there, and mention a few fucking things, will you get angry with me?”
“What sort of fucking things?”
“I’m not sure… Like you were left handicapped by the war you went to fight, for example.”
Skinny Carlos glanced at his legs and smiled when he returned his friend’s look. “That’s not the worst fucking thing, Mario. The worst came after: thinking what might have been if this hadn’t happened… But it happened, and don’t fucking go on about it anymore, I’m not in the mood today. You write whatever comes to you, but make sure you do it well. Come on, let’s go inside.”
With the experience of years, the Count stood behind the wheelchair and turned it round to go back in the house. They went down a passageway, already hearing the Beatles music with which the Count’s friends were beginning to stir their nostalgia, and entered the dining room, where the last of the faithful on earth were waiting. Josefina was the first to congratulate him and kissed him on the forehead, Rabbit copied in his best style, and gave way to a hug from Andres, a precise, strong handshake from Candito, a kiss on the almost childlike cheek of Niuris – the girlfriend Rabbit was sporting that day – a competitive slap on the back from Baby-Face Miki and a liquid look from Tamara the twin, whom the Count kissed with a restraint that expressed his fear at the closeness of her skin, always prone to alarm him down to the last male hormone in his body.
“How come the miracle? What made you come?” the Count asked, looking into the woman’s moist almond eyes.
“Could I
“Of course you could, Tamara. Thanks.”
“All right, enough of that,” shouted Skinny, giving the Count a glass. “If you want lovey-dovey, get off to the park.”
“Hey, matchmaker, quit the joking,” retorted the Count threateningly, aiming a finger between his eyebrows. “Or are you never going to grow up?”
“Me? No. And you?”
“Well, as today’s a special day I didn’t start on any great innovations and decided to follow a traditional recipe of steak with bacon and gruyere cheese, which goes like this: buy fresh fillets in the market, on the long and thin side, and cut to the same size. Spread the steaks out and lightly salt them; put a strip of bacon down the middle and the gruyere on the bacon. Then dust everything in herbs: personally I add thyme, basil, oregano and rosemary… Then fold over each fillet, as if it were a pasty, and join the ends with a couple of toothpicks, which I only managed to get today, to stop the stuffing leaking out. With me so far?”
