the bag, pulled it on. Buried somewhere in those drawers, beneath a mountain of papers, was a photo of
Amanda. I'd taken it at a concert at Jones Beach last summer. It was raining. I was concerned the camera would be ruined. Amanda told me not to worry, that if special moments weren't worth some sort of risk, how special could they be?
Without saying another word I snapped the photo. She was right. The moment was worth far more than the risk.
Her brown hair was plastered to her cheeks, her neck.
Her tank top clinging to her rain-slick body like silk. Her eyes were closed, the music pouring through her. That was my favorite photo of Amanda. It used to sit on my desk. Now I couldn't even look at it, because it only made me think of the night I ended the best thing in my life.
Then I did what I'd been doing every night for the past four months. I placed the pillow on my desk, put my head down, and slept.
1
'James, get your behind down here and finish your greens!'
Shelly's voice boomed through the house, and even though it took eight-year-old James Linwood only thirty seconds to turn off his Xbox 360 and race down the stairs, his younger sister, Tasha, was already sitting at the table, eyeing him while munching loudly on a celery stalk. When
James sat down, Tasha, six years old but already a grandmaster at winning the game of sibling rivalry, stuck a green, mush-filled tongue out at her brother, who was more than happy to return the favor.
'That's enough, both of you. James, baby, I never excused you from the table. You have to ask to be excused.' James looked at his mother and gave an exaggerated sigh, then picked up a single piece of lettuce. He took a bite, grimacing as if it had been marinating in oyster juice. 'I don't know what you're looking at me for,' Shelly said. 'Some people actually think vegetables taste good.'
Tasha nodded along with her mother, opened wide and shoved a whole stalk of celery in her mouth.
'Those people are stupid,' James said, nibbling at the lettuce.
'No, if you knew what kind of vitamins and minerals veggies had, you'd know those people are quite smart,'
Shelly said. 'Did you know LeBron James eats a double helping of carrots before every game?'
'Does not,' James replied.
'Does too,' said Shelly.
'Does too,' said Tasha.
James gave his sister a cold glare. He tore off a piece of lettuce and chewed it with vigor, letting several shreds of green gristle fall onto the table.
Shelly watched her children eat, their eyes more concerned with her approval than their nutrition. The soft jingle of a wind chime could be heard from the back porch, as well as the noise of a television set blaring from the house next door. Mrs. Niederman's hearing had begun to go last year, and now she watched Alex Trebek at a volume that could be heard from space.
Shelly took a moment to gaze around her house. Just a few years ago, the back porch was riddled with termites, the wood rotted, the whole structure ready to collapse. She never would have let Tasha and James play on it. Randy was never very good with tools, and they simply didn't have the money to rebuild it. Not yet.
After their terrible ordeal, when their family had been fractured, the Good Samaritans of Hobbs County had reached out to help the Linwoods. Now barely a day passed where James and Tasha weren't outside shooting off water guns, dangling from the railing like a pair of spider monkeys. At least the porch had been rebuilt.
While the kids were at school, while Randy was away at work, Shelly would often find herself looking at the old photos of their house, taken when they'd first moved in years ago. She barely recognized what it had become.
The white paint was fresh, blue trim even, the mailbox upright. Nobody egged their house on Halloween, and she never had to call the police to report the teenagers who used to drive by once a week and knock the mailbox sideways with wielded baseball bats. Those kinds of things never happened anymore. There were more cops; she could feel their presence. They stopped by every so often, just to see how she and Randy were holding up. I'm fine,
Shelly would say. We're fine.
The cops always turned down a cup of coffee. As though being any closer to the sorrow might somehow infect them.
James was grimacing through his last scraps of food when Shelly heard the doorbell.
'That's got to be Daddy,' Shelly said. 'He probably forgot his keys again this morning. James, would you let your father in?' James didn't move. 'Did you hear me?'
'I'm cleaning my plate like you told me. I can't answer the door and eat at the same time.' He smiled at this catch-22. Shelly sighed, though silently proud of her son's intelligence.
'Fine, you can stop eating if you let your father in. But if I hear that video game start up before you finish your social studies homework, you won't watch television until you graduate college.'
James sprung up like he'd been shot from a cannon, then bolted from his chair.
Shelly smiled at her daughter. Tasha. Her beautiful, young daughter, who would grow up to be strong and vivacious like her mother had never been. Shelly felt an ache in her stomach and placed her palm on Tasha's cheek.
Tasha smiled at her, that big goofy grin full of baby teeth.
'Mom?' James's voice bellowed from the hallway.
'There's a kid here. Do you know anyone named Daniel?'
A napkin fell from Shelly's hand and fluttered to the floor.
'Wha…what did you say, baby?'
'Daniel. There's some kid at the door says he knows you.
Wait, huh? Uh, Mom? He says…he says you're his mom.'
Shelly leapt from her seat. She dashed through the house, nearly knocking over the coffee table, and sprinted into the front hallway.
The wooden frame was open to reveal the screen door.
A boy was standing behind the screen, looking confused as to why he hadn't been allowed in yet. Shelly covered her mouth to prevent a scream from escaping her lips.
On the other side of the door stood a boy Shelly both knew and didn't know. He was about five foot three with a lock of dark hair that fell over his hazel eyes. His father's eyes. His limbs were gangly, full of sharp angles, as if he'd grown a great deal in a short amount of time and the flesh hadn't caught up to his bones. Everything and nothing was just like she remembered.
'Baby, oh my God…'
She gently pushed James away from the door and tore open the screen. The boy stood on the front porch with a look of slight bewilderment, a twinkle of recognition, a blurry memory slowly coming into focus. He didn't move. Instead, the boy's eyes met Shelly's as though waiting for something, and before another second passed Shelly Linwood gathered the boy up into her arms and squeezed him like there was no tomorrow, until his arms tentatively wrapped themselves around her body and held on. She remembered how he'd felt in her arms, and though heavier, he was the same child she'd held in her arms for the first six years of his life. She showered the boy's head with kisses until he pulled away slightly, an embarrassed grin on his young face.
'Oh my God,' she whispered. 'Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Baby, is it really you?' The boy shrugged, then was muffled as Shelly attempted to squeeze the life out of him again.
Shelly heard a car pull up. When the engine cut off, she looked up to see Randy's silver V70 Volvo in the driveway.
The door opened, and her husband climbed out with a groan. Randy was forty-one, just ten pounds heavier than when they'd met in high school. His jawline was still visible above a slight jowl, his arms still maintaining some
