bloodied face of a kid. He couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old, and he looked just like me.
I began to scream.
July 25
1:00 a.m.
Jerry Byrd found me out there in the rain. Jerry was a VA cop and army veteran I’d known for fifteen years. His wife had gone to my high school and his son had played ball with Jack. We had a good deal in common and we’d had some good times together over the years.
When Jerry woke me up, I had absolutely no idea where I was or how I got there. It was pouring rain and my teeth were chattering. He helped me to my feet and took me by the arm.
”Joe, what in the hell are you doing out here?”
”No clue.”
Jerry used his cell phone to call Caroline. He told her where I was and that we could pick up my truck the next day. Then he drove me home.
”What’s going on?” Caroline said after Jerry had left. I’d managed to down two cups of black coffee strong enough to make my tongue curl. I could tell she’d been crying, but I hoped she wouldn’t start up again. I felt bad enough as it was. ”I’ve been worried sick about you.”
”I’m sorry,” I said. ”I had a little meltdown.”
I’d always kept Caroline at least a stone’s throw from the worst of my work and my past. It was ugly and frightening, and Caroline was beautiful and kind. I was afraid I’d somehow contaminate her if I told her the truth, but more than that, I was afraid she might begin to think of me as weak and flawed.
”Talk to me,” she said. ”Please.”
”You don’t want me to. Believe me, you’re better off if I keep it to myself.”
”Joe, do you really think anything you tell me would make me love you any less?”
There was a long silence. She poured more coffee.
I sat there sipping it slowly, trying to decide whether I wanted to tell my wife that for all these years, despite all the macho bravado, she’d really been married to a scared little boy trying to prove to himself he wasn’t a coward.
”I don’t think I
”Does it have anything to do with this case?”
”That’s part of it. It looks like they’re going to arrest Erlene Barlowe for Tester’s murder.” I was grateful for the opportunity to move the topic of conversation away from me.
”Do you think she killed Tester?”
”I
”How do you know?”
”I just know.”
”How?”
I looked at her, deadpan. I couldn’t tell her, but Caroline is an intelligent woman. I saw the look come over her face. She got it.
”Angel told you
I nodded.
”And now you’re trying to decide what to do?”
”I’m just trying to survive right now. You know I’m going to have to go after Sarah on the witness stand if the trial starts back up. I can’t tell you how much I dread it.”
”Why is she doing this, Joe? What’s wrong with her?”
”Do you really want to know? It’s not something you’re going to enjoy hearing about.”
”Of course I want to know. I think I’ve earned the right.”
She had. She’d earned the right to hear about all of it. I looked at her and thought about Ma, about the regret I’d felt because she wouldn’t let me into her heart, and about the emptiness I felt because I’d never let her into mine. I thought about the nightmares, the anxiety, the depression, the nagging feeling that I was a pathetic coward. I looked at Caroline, saw the longing in her eyes, and knew I couldn’t shut my wife out any longer. I couldn’t be like my mother. It was time. It was time to open up.
I told Caroline about what Tester had done to Angel and what Uncle Raymond had done to Sarah.
When she heard what had happened to Sarah, Caroline scooted next to me and held me in her arms. As I felt her breath against my skin and smelled her familiar smell, I suddenly didn’t care whether she thought I was weak, because at that moment, I was.
I needed to lean on the only person I’d ever really trusted. For the first time in my life, I gave myself completely. There were moments I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was ashamed and reluctant at first, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. After twenty years, I finally let Caroline
I talked about the frustration of being raised without a father. I told her about the brutal things I’d done and seen in Grenada. I told her about Billy Dockery. I told her about Maynard Bush and Bonnie Tate and how I felt the day the Bowers twins died in the sunshine. I told her how I felt about my mother. I talked deep into the morning. I’d never experienced anything like it, but when it was over, I understood the power of confession.
”Do you know something?” Caroline said when I was finally too exhausted to talk anymore. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye.
”If I was on trial, if I was in the same situation as Angel, there’s nobody in this world I’d rather have on my side than you. Do you know why?”
”I’m sorry for the things I said when I came home earlier. I feel like a jackass. And I’m sorry-”
”Hush. Do you know why there’s nobody in this world I’d rather have on my side than you?”
”No. Why?”
”Because you’re a good man, Joe. It’s as simple as that. That’s why I married you and why I’ve loved you for all these years. That’s why your children adore you. It’s why you’ve stuck by Sarah all this time and why you went up there and sat with your mother. It’s why you’ve spent your life trying to help people. I hope you’re always just like you are now.”
Her words humbled me. I didn’t know what to say.
”When did Angel tell you what really happened?”
she said.
”Not long before I came home.”
”That’s what I thought. That’s what set this off. It put you back in that house with your sister. When you add it to everything else that’s been going on with you lately, it isn’t surprising. I’m just glad you didn’t hurt yourself.”
So was I.
”You’re going to get through this,” Caroline said.
”You’re a survivor. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met.”
Caroline got up and walked over to the door that led to the garage. She opened it.
”And here’s someone else that loves you,” she said.
Rio trotted into the room, saw me, and stopped dead in his tracks.
”Come here, big boy,” I said. His ears perked and his tail began to wag. ”Come over here and take a leak on my shoe.”
July 25
11:00 a.m.
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I slept well. There were no ambushes in the jungle to haunt me, no rapes or murders, no raging rivers or deadly waterfalls.
I woke to the smell of coffee brewing and the sound of rain tapping steadily on the roof. I walked into the kitchen and looked outside. The sky was low and slate gray. A thin mist hung above the lake, and I knew it would be a long day of summer rain, the kind of rain that seems to cleanse the whole world.
Caroline was in the kitchen, wearing only a sports bra and a pair of biker shorts. When she hugged me, I lifted her off the floor and carried her to the bedroom. A half hour later, we were lying in bed, pleasantly
