Since when did you ever have one? What are you doing, getting religion? All I am is a dry run. They take readings off my dosimeters. Who is to say whether I'm here so the people can read the meters, or whether the radiation in me is because they have to measure. Which way does it go?
'It's one way,' said Profane. 'All one way.'
Mazel tov. (Maybe the hint of a smile?)
Somehow Profane had difficulty getting back in the plot of Existentialist Sheriff. After a while he got up and went over to SHROUD. 'What do you mean, we'll be like you and SHOCK someday? You mean dead?'
Am I dead? If I am, then that's what I mean.
'If you aren't, then what are you?'
Nearly what you are. None of you have very far to go.
'I don't understand.'
So I see. But you're not alone. That's a comfort, isn't it? To hell with it. Profane went back to the guardroom and busied himself making coffee.
III
The next weekend there was a party at Raoul, Slab and Melvin's. The Whole Sick Crew was there.
At one in the morning Roony and Pig started a fight.
'Son of a bitch,' Roony yelled. 'You keep your hands off her.'
'His wife,' Esther informed Slab. The Crew had withdrawn to the walls, leaving Pig and Roony most of the floor space. Both were drunk and sweating. They wrestled around, stumbling and inexpert, trying to fight like in a western movie. It is incredible how many amateur brawlers believe the movie saloon fight is the only acceptable model to follow. At last Pig dropped Roony with a fist to the abdomen. Roony just lay there, eyes closed, trying to hold down his breathing because it hurt. Pig wandered out to the kitchen. The fight had been over a girl, but both of them knew her name was Paola, not Mafia.
'I don't hate the Jewish people,' Mafia was explaining, 'only the things they do.' She and Profane were alone in her apartment. Roony was out drinking. Perhaps seeing Eigenvalue. It was the day after the fight. She didn't seem to care where her husband was.
All at once Profane got a marvelous idea. She wanted to keep Jews out? Maybe half a Jew could get in.
She beat him to it: her hand reached for his belt buckle and started to unfasten it.
'No,' he said, having changed his mind. Needing a zipper to undo, her hands slid away, around her hips to the back of her skirt. 'Now look.'
'I need a man,' already half out of the skirt, 'fashioned for Heroic Love. I've wanted you ever since we met.'
'Heroic Love's ass,' said Profane. 'You're married.'
Charisma was having nightmares in the next room. He started thumping around under the green blanket, flailing out at the elusive shadow of his own Persecutor.
'Here,' she said, lower half denuded, 'here on the rug.'
Profane got up and rooted around in the icebox for beer. Mafia lay on the floor, screaming at him.
'Here yourself.' He set a can of beer on her soft abdomen. She yelped, knocking it over. The beer made a soggy spot on the rug between them, like a bundling board or Tristan's blade. 'Drink your beer and tell me about Heroic Love.' She was making no move to get dressed.
'A woman wants to feel like a woman,' breathing hard, 'is all. She wants to be taken, penetrated, ravished. But more than that, she wants to enclose the man.'
With spiderwebs woven of yo-yo string: a net or trap. Profane could think of nothing but Rachel.
'Nothing heroic about a schlemiel,' Profane told her. What was a hero? Randolph Scott, who could handle a six-gun, horse's reins, lariat. Master of the inanimate. But a schlemiel, that was hardly a man: somebody who lies back and takes it from objects, like any passive woman.
'Why,' he wondered, 'does something like sex have to be so confused. Mafia, why do you have to have names for it.' Here he was arguing again. Like with Fina in the bathtub.
'What are you,' she snarled, 'a latent homosexual? You afraid of women?'
'No, I'm not queer.' How could you say: sometimes women remind me of inanimate objects. Young Rachel, even: half an MG.
Charisma came in, two beady eyes peering through burnholes in the blanket. He spotted Mafia, moved toward her. The green wool mound began to sing:
“It is something less than heaven
To be quoted Thesis 1.7
Every time I make an advance;
If the world is all that the case is
That's a pretty discouraging basis
On which to pursue
Any sort of romance.
