to losing him earlier today.
My hands tighten, and I use my grip to lift my body up against his. One of his arms slides down my back, pulling my hips closer to him.
Elder breaks the kiss, and he peers into my eyes. I can only imagine what we look like — rolling around in the grass by the pond. Just like the Season. But I don’t care. This isn’t like that. The Season was just mindless, emotionless, loveless movements. But this is—
Elder reaches up and brushes a stray strand of hair from my face. I close my eyes and relish the touch. His fingers clench against my scalp — I feel the pressure of his hand, pulling me into another kiss.
And I go to him.
Sweeter, this time. Slower. Softer. I feel his lips this time, not the hunger.
I become aware of his body next to mine. I let my hand rest just above his heart, pounding away in his chest, so violent I can feel it mirroring my own heartbeat.
Then my hand slips lower, down his side. The bottom of his tunic has pulled up, and my fingers slide over the bare skin just above his hip.
Elder moans, a low guttural sound from deep inside him. His hands slide down my mussed hair to my shoulders, and he gently pushes me away. Our feet still touch under the pond’s surface, though.
“Augh!” he says suddenly, smashing his hand into the side of his neck. “I don’t have time for this!”
I scoot away from him, stung, then notice the way his head tilts. Someone is trying to com him.
“I’m sorry,” Elder says immediately, leaning back up and staring into my eyes. “Stars, Amy, I’m sorry,” he adds. “It’s just — with Marae’s death, and the planet, and—
My eyes widen, but Elder just punches the wi-com in the side of his neck. “What?” he barks into it.
I sit up slowly, no longer comfortable lying in the grass. As Elder listens to his com, I stare at the still surface of the pond.
I have no idea what I want. I told Victria that love is a choice, and I told myself that I didn’t have to choose Elder, but I can’t forget the way my heart stopped when his did.
47 ELDER
SHE LOOKS SO SAD AND ALONE, SO ABANDONED — AND I’M the one who abandoned her, even though I’m still sitting by the edge of the pond beside her. I shouldn’t have kissed her. It’s like tasting dessert before supper is served; it’s only made me want more. But I couldn’t help it. I don’t know what it is about Amy. I couldn’t help it.
But I should have. With everything that’s happening now, the last thing I should be trying to do is kiss Amy. I need to focus on the planet — and she needs to figure out what she wants. I can see the questions in her eyes, the way she won’t quite name what’s between us.
Now she sits quietly, not meeting my eyes, her cheeks almost as pink as her lips.
Her lips.
No.
I look away from her. And her lips.
“What happened?” she asks quietly.
A beastly roar rises up in me, and I force myself to swallow it down. What happened? I can’t control myself around her, that’s what happened. I want her so much that it overrides everything else, every other thought in my head, every instinct, every restraint. My want is consuming — and I’m afraid it won’t just consume me, but her too.
“With the Shippers, I mean,” she adds when I don’t answer her. “When you told them about the planet.”
I frown. It’s obvious Amy would rather ignore everything that just happened — or I’ve scared her off between my frustration and impatience. Frex. I run my fingers through my hair, tugging at the strands, hard, trying to pull some coherent thoughts up through the roots.
“They’re running scans,” I say. “If everything indicates that Centauri-Earth is habitable, then we might begin planet-landing in a matter of days.”
Amy narrows her eyes. “Might?” she asks.
If she could, she’d land this ship right now. “Amy,” I say, warning already creeping into my voice, “we can’t just land the ship on Centauri-Earth. We have to make sure it’s safe.”
“Who cares if it’s safe?” she says, throwing up her hands.
“I care. And I care about everyone else on this ship.”
“It’s just going to take a couple of days, right?” she asks.
“Okay, then,” Amy breathes. “I’ve been worried about… The sooner we land, the better.”
“It’s not all bad here,” I think, put off by the disgust in her voice.
Amy looks at me incredulously. “People are angry. Marae was
“Without Phydus,” I say, “the people — they’re thinking… they’re doing…”
“Shut up.” There’s cold anger in Amy’s voice. “Some people are good. Some people are bad. Phydus doesn’t fix anything. It just hides the good and bad under a haze of nothing.”
“But—” I start, but I keep it to myself. But maybe it really
Marae would have thought so.
“The water’s very still,” Amy says.
I don’t try to contain the disbelief on my face. Frex, really? We’ve gotten to the point where I can kiss her breathless, then we can talk about murder, and all she can comment on is the frexing pond?
“Aren’t there any fish?” she asks.
Fish. Frexing fish. We’re not painting charts on walls or setting up guards or trying to track down a murderer. I guess when it’s my people being killed, not hers, she doesn’t care so much.
“No fish,” I growl, standing up. “Not anymore.”
Amy looks up at me, questions in her eyes. “You’re really upset.”
“Frex, Amy, of course I am!” I shout. She flinches from my voice. “I’m sorry.” I run my fingers through my hair. “Sorry. It’s just — yes. I’m upset.”
She reaches for my hand and opens her mouth to speak, but before I can find out whatever it was she wanted to say, a voice interrupts us.
48 AMY
“OH, I’M SORRY,” LUTHOR SAYS. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.” While his face is impassive, his eyes linger on the inch of exposed skin above my waistband. I tug my tunic down with such violence I’m afraid my fingers will poke through the handwoven material.
“What do you need, Luthor?” Elder asks. I’m not sure if the impatience in his voice is because Luthor interrupted us or because Elder knows how close Luthor is to Bartie’s plans for a revolution. Elder twists around to look up at the man. “Stars, Luthor, what happened to you?!”
Now it’s my turn to smirk at his black eye and busted lip.
“Nothing of importance,” Luthor tells Elder. “Nothing I can’t…
I don’t let my face betray my fear.
Luthor sneers down at me, but when Elder glares at him, he shrugs, chuckling softly to himself as he
