Free To Trade

We were sitting in the De Jong conference room, the same one in which I had been grilled by Mr Berryman from the TSA. On the polished mahogany table was a tape-recorder. On the other side of the table was Hamilton.

When he had rung asking to see me at eleven o'clock on the Monday morning, my fears had been awakened. If I had been cleared by the investigation, then surely I would have been asked to report for work at seven thirty as normal.

Hamilton's demeanour was grave. Taciturn at the best of times, the most he could manage in terms of small- talk now was a curt, 'Good week off?'

Without taking any notice of my mumbled answer, he said, 'Listen to these tapes.'

I was completely still. I attempted to sift through all the conversations of the last two months, trying to think of one which could incriminate me. It was difficult to think what could be on the tape, since I hadn't done anything wrong.

Hamilton flicked the switch.

The volume was on high. Cash's voice boomed, 'Changed your mind about the Gypsums?'

'No, I haven't,' I said. It is always strange listening to your own voice on tape. It didn't sound like me, it was slightly higher-pitched, and the accent stronger than I knew it to be. The tape went on. 'But I wonder if you could do me a favour?' Me again.

'Sure.' That was Cash.

'How can I buy some stock on the New York Stock Exchange?'

'Oh, that's easy. I can get an account opened for you here. All you have to do is call Miriam Wall in our private-client department. Just give me five minutes and I'll warn her you are coming through.'

Hamilton switched off the tape-recorder. Neither of us said anything for a moment.

Eventually I broke the silence. 'That doesn't prove anything,' I said, and then regretted it. It sounded just like the sort of thing a guilty man might say.

Hamilton's slight frown suggested the same thought had occurred to him. 'It doesn't prove anything conclusively, no,' he said. 'But it doesn't look good when put alongside the other evidence the TSA is pulling together against Cash. It sounds to them as though Cash is telling you how to buy stock for your own account in a company about which he has inside information. A classic way of bribing your clients to do business with you. That's how it sounds.'

'Well, it wasn't like that,' I protested.

'The shares you were talking about were Gypsum of America, were they not?'

'Yes.'

'And Cash did go out of his way to help set up an account for you?'

'Well, yes. But he was trying to help me out as a client.' I paused, trying to collect my thoughts. I felt cornered, and I couldn't think of a clever way of dodging out. In the end I just repeated the truth. 'Debbie and I decided to buy shares, based on the analysis of the company I did myself, which suggested it was likely to be taken over. Neither of us had bought shares in American companies before, and Cash seemed the natural person to ask how to do it. It's as simple as that.'

Hamilton looked at me for a long time. There is no better judge of character than Hamilton, I thought. He will know I am telling the truth.

But he didn't quite. 'It does seem odd to me that you would do something like this,' he began. 'But the TSA are quite convinced that you and others traded on inside information. You are right that they don't have conclusive proof. Prosecutions for this kind of thing are expensive and frequently don't succeed. However, they do always ruin the lives of those involved, whether guilty or innocent.'

He paused, and looked down at the table in front of him. 'I also have the interests of the firm to think of. It would be easy for the TSA to publicise this, and even fine us. I need hardly tell you what effect that would have on the institutions that give us money to manage. As you know, we are in the middle of discussions with some potential Japanese clients which could have great significance for this firm. I will not allow those discussions to be jeopardised.'

He looked up at me again. 'So I have done a deal. In the circumstances, quite a good deal for all involved. I will accept your resignation today. You will serve a two-month notice period, which should be enough time for you to find suitable employment elsewhere. During that period, you may come into work if you wish, but under no circumstances will you trade on behalf of the firm. No one outside this room will be made aware of the reason for your resignation.

'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but this is best for all of us, especially you.'

There it was. A fait accompli. A nice little deal done so that De Jong could carry on as though nothing had happened. And there was nothing at all I could do about it. That was hard to accept.

'What if I don't resign?' I said.

'Don't even ask,' said Hamilton.

For a moment I felt like making a stand, refusing to go along with him, demanding a full investigation. But there was no point. I would be crucified. At least, this way I could get another job.

I said nothing and just stared at the conference table. I could feel the colour rising to my cheeks. I felt several emotions all at once. There was anger, there was shame, and underlying both of these was a strong pull of despair. I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't. I breathed deeply. Control yourself. You can sort it all out later. Don't say anything, don't blow your top. Just keep your composure and get out.

'OK,' I said hoarsely. I stood up, turned away from Hamilton, and left the conference room. There were one or two things I would need from my desk. Phone numbers, that sort of thing. I entered the trading room. All activity stopped. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I ploughed through the atmosphere thick with discomfort. I didn't look at anyone. I just focused on my desk, my face set tight. My cheeks were still hot. No one said anything as I walked over to my desk, picked up my phone numbers and a couple of other things, put them in my briefcase, and walked out. God knows what they thought. I didn't want to worry about that now.

I grabbed a taxi on the street outside the building. The journey home went quickly by. By the time I reached my flat I had at least separated most of the emotions which boiled inside me. I placed them all in their own compartments; divided, I would conquer them.

Anger first. Anger at the injustice of being found guilty without having the chance to defend myself. My guilt had been accepted because it was easiest for everyone. Anger at the way Hamilton had let them do it. Surely he could have done something to protect me? Hamilton of all people should have been able to come up with a way out of this mess. He had put the firm before me. I thought I meant more to him than that. But, as I thought about it, I supposed Hamilton had in his usual fashion weighed the pros and cons of fighting it out to the bitter end, and had alighted on this as the better alternative. And it was pointless just screaming 'It's not fair.'

Then there was sorrow. I was beginning to fit into De Jong. I was learning how to trade and enjoying it. And for all that Hamilton had let me down, I had learned a lot from him. There was a lot more to learn; it was difficult to see how anyone else could be such a good teacher. But at least my time at De Jong had convinced me that I wanted to trade, and shown me I had the potential. I would just have to start again with someone else.

What if I couldn't get another job? A rush of panic flew to my head at this thought. What if I would never trade again? I didn't think I could face that possibility. And I needed to get a well-paid job too if I was going to raise the money to buy my mother's cottage. It would be impossible to raise twenty-five thousand pounds without a job. God knows what she would do if Lord Mablethorpe threw her out. I could already see the look of contempt on my sister Linda's face when she found out I had failed to prevent it.

But the panic soon subsided. People lost their jobs all the time. If they were any good, they soon got new ones.

I am a stubborn individual. I was buggered if I was going to be put off trading by what was no more than a piece of awful luck. You make your own luck. Sure, sometimes it runs against you, but if you keep plugging away, eventually events will run your way. The key was not to give up; every time something went wrong, just try harder.

So, I pulled out a pad of paper, and sketched out a plan of campaign for how I would get another job. Within half an hour I had outlined a series of steps that I was fairly confident would get me something. To work.

I rang two recruitment consultants I knew, and arranged appointments. I spent a couple of hours perfecting my