I rushed headlong into the forest. Branches leapt out of the darkness and raked my face. I crashed into trees, groped around them. The wind howled past me and the earth sloped steeply downward beneath my feet. I lost my balance and tumbled head over heels down a hill, screaming as rocks battered me all the way to the bottom. Dizzy and sore, I stood up but was too exhausted to run any farther. Mr. Slade barreled down the hill and skidded to a stop near me.
“Leave me alone,” I cried, raising my hand to forestall more questions.
His arms locked around me. “I want to help you, and I promise I will, but first you must tell me everything.”
We were in a clearing in the forest. Trees held the moon in their foliage. I could see Mr. Slade’s eyes intent on me, feel the rhythm of his breathing. My need to confide shattered my will to resist.
“Captain Innes is the accomplice,” I said in a small, forlorn voice. “The kidnapping is set for tomorrow night. Captain Innes has instructed me to drug the children with laudanum. Then we shall deliver them to Kuan. He’ll free my family afterward.” I felt relief at unburdening myself, but a terrible dread because I had disobeyed Kuan. “Unless I do as he wishes, he’ll kill them.”
“Good God,” Mr. Slade said. He clasped me to him; I wept unabashedly against his shoulder. “I should have known Kuan would do something like this. I should have known he would try to use your family against you. This is my fault.”
“No,” I said. “The fault is mine. I didn’t tell you everything that went on between Kuan and me in Cornwall. If I had, then perhaps we both would have foreseen what he would do and prevented it.” At the thought of my family captive, frightened, and helpless, a fresh spate of sobs erupted from me. “I can’t let them die. But I can’t hurt those children!”
“You won’t,” Mr. Slade assured me.
“But what is to be done?”
“I’ll send agents to Haworth at once to rescue your family. In the meantime…” He related a plan that seemed a good means of thwarting the kidnapping and capturing Kuan. “Can you do what is required of you?”
“Yes,” I said fervently. “I’ll do whatever you say.”
I wept tears of joy that there was some hope for our success and for my family’s salvation. I felt immense gratitude towards Mr. Slade, who had released me from terror and despair. But in the wake of those strong, departing emotions, other emotions rushed in. I became suddenly conscious of Mr. Slade holding me, the warmth from his chest against my cheek, his hard, muscular arms, his trousers touching my skirts, of the fact that we were far from anyone else. Suddenly there surged through me the torrent of desire that I had tried to suppress for so long. My breath caught. I heard Mr. Slade’s catch at the same moment. His arms tightened around me. Slowly I raised my face. Mr. Slade was gazing at me, his features lit by the moon yet dark with serious thoughts. He inhaled a deep breath, like a man preparing to dive into the ocean, then bent his head towards me.
Our lips met, his warm and firm upon mine, in the kiss that I had longed for all my life. My eyes closed as powerful sensations of pleasure and mortal fear spread through my entire self. I was falling through darkness. Images flashed through my mind-the curate William Weightman, Monsieur Heger. My feelings for them had been nothing compared to this hunger for Mr. Slade. My lips involuntarily parted. His tongue entered and found mine. Oh, the shocking, wet, intimate, thrilling contact! It seemed that our souls and thoughts fused. I saw the visage of a beautiful woman-his deceased wife. I felt in him the desire unsatisfied during seven years of mourning.
We kissed again and again, each kiss deeper and more fevered. Mr. Slade moved his hands up from my waist; he clasped my bosom. I allowed it, even though I knew I shouldn’t. So intoxicating were my sensations that they shattered all vestiges of self-control, all thoughts of propriety. Mr. Slade drew me to the ground-or I drew him; I know not which. We lay together on the soft bed of fallen leaves. The trees vaulted like a cathedral ceiling above us. The moonlight shone down on us, white and pure. As Mr. Slade kissed and caressed me, the heavy layers of my clothing seemed to vanish, and I felt each caress as though upon my bare skin. Need overcame inhibition. I dared to touch Mr. Slade in a place where I’d thought I would never touch a man. Through his trousers I felt, for the first time in my life, masculine arousal. A profound awe moved me. My desire quickened to an unbearable frenzy. I clutched at Mr. Slade, pulling him atop me.
“Please,” I cried.
Mr. Slade hesitated, gasping. On his face I saw lust reined in by apprehension: He knew the risk that an illicit carnal union posed for a woman, and although I was beyond caring about it, he was cautious on my behalf. Not one garment of mine or his did he remove or disarrange. He did not ravish me as I would gladly have allowed. Instead he lowered himself onto me, and we moved together. My body arched against his. As the rhythm of our movements accelerated, my pleasure rose towards heights I had never imagined possible. A terrifying, wonderful alchemy turned everything in me to molten fire. The most incredible rapture I had ever experienced pulsed through me. I exclaimed in joy and amazement. This was the ecstasy hinted at but never actually described in love stories I’d read. This was what I had unknowingly yearned for during lonely nights spent indulging in secret fantasies.
I clung to Mr. Slade. His breaths came faster as he thrust himself harder and more insistently at me. Suddenly he flung back his head; he uttered a groan. I felt him shudder with the pleasure of his release. Then a sigh eased the tension from him. My own ecstasy yielded to quiet bliss. We lay side by side, embracing. It seemed that we floated together in some private universe high above the world.
“Forgive me,” Mr. Slade said, his voice filled with guilt and regret. “I should not have let this happen.”
I kissed away his apology. “There’s nothing to forgive,” I said, for I was as much to blame as he, and I had no regrets. At that moment, my love for him justified all sins.
Slade caressed my hair. “I must confess that I’ve been wanting you ever since that day on the moors.”
Delighted I was to learn that my feelings had not been unrequited. Although the forest was cold, I wished we could stay there forever. But a lightening of the sky presaged dawn. We disengaged, rose, and walked, hand in hand, until we reached the edge of the forest and Balmoral Castle was in sight.
“I’ll see you soon. Don’t worry,” Mr. Slade said, “all will be well.”
We kissed one last time, then he headed back towards his lodgings, while I hurried into the castle. I was giddy with excitement and happiness. It was not until later that I began to think clearly on what had happened between Mr. Slade and me. It was not until morning that our plans foundered terribly.
37
Too often our plans fail not because they lack merit or because we mishandle their execution. Sometimes they go awry due to the folly of another person whose motives run counter to ours. Alas, I experienced this hard lesson at the worst possible time.
Two mornings after Captain Innes approached me with Kuan’s orders, a solemn gathering took place in the Balmoral Castle drawing room. The Queen and Prince Consort sat on a chintz-covered sofa. Mr. Slade and I, and Foreign Office agents armed with rifles, stood against walls hung with faded floral wallpaper. Beyond the open French doors, the children played in the sunny garden. Lord Unwin posed dramatically in the center of the room.
“Your Majesty, Your Highness,” he said in his most pompous manner, “I am pleased to announce that I have discovered the identity of Mr. Kuan’s accomplice.”
Last night Mr. Slade had informed Lord Unwin about Captain Innes. Thereafter, Lord Unwin had insisted upon taking full charge and breaking the news to the Queen. Now she and her husband leaned forward in surprise.
“Well?” she said. “Who is it?”
“It is Captain Innes,” Lord Unwin said.
Mr. Slade looked unhappy, although not because Lord Unwin was taking credit for the discovery. He didn’t trust Lord Unwin to handle the matters that remained. I was so worried about my family that I could barely stand still. Knowing that Mr. Slade’s men were on the way to their rescue gave me little comfort, for Haworth was far from Scotland.
“Surely Captain Innes cannot be the accomplice to the kidnapping!” the Queen cried in disbelief.
“He has been in my wife’s service since she took the throne,” said the Prince Consort. “He has always been devoted to her.”
