attention. Already my thoughts were concentrated with an anxious and voluptuous feeling, on the inevitable consequences of my imprudence. I realized those consequences most clearly; I accepted them, without pity for my wife's too-confident abandonment, without a scruple on account of promises made. I was conscious of my bad faith; I measured the shameful contrast between the tenderness with which I was intoxicating Therese, in order the better to disarm her suspicion, and the cruel laceration amidst which I should satisfy my desire. I imagined a sorrowful cry and a look of painful astonishment. But I had waited too long, — I was at the end of my powers of resistance, and, cowardly, I discounted the pardon promised in advance.
The throbbing of my temples increased and bewildered me, driving every thought from my brain. All that remained was a crimson vision of moist, defenceless flesh, and the pulsations of my sex extended towards that flesh. I raised myself with an instinctive movement, which brought my lips up to Therese's mouth, — a movement above all prompted by a wish to place my sex on an exact level with her own.
With my two arms still around her naked waist, I drew my wife slowly towards me; and already I could feel my flesh, thrilling with lustful desire, gently touching the blond moss surrounding the coveted fleshly nook. Then, becoming wildly impatient, I seized hold of her dress to turn it up completely. Therese was startled and advanced her hand to restrain me, — then she renounced, with the words:
'Darling, my own darling. I am yours… But remember your promise.'
The resigned sweetness of her voice, much more than her very words, dragged me from the enchantment of my desire. Amidst a flash of dizziness, as though after a fall, I regained consciousness of my actions.
For a few moments longer I remained leaning over Therese, with my mouth against hers, for I wanted to immobilize her head against the back of the chair and so prevent her seeing me while I remedied the indecency of my attire.
But the trivial vulgarity of this action emphasized the grotesqueness of my situation. I was annoyed with myself through this abdication of my virility, — a stupid abdication in the presence of a little girl who foolishly refused to let me have her, when I had a perfect legal right to do so. Above all was I angry with Therese herself for having once more baulked my desire. When she raised her head and looked into my eyes, she was astonished to find them so full of hostility. She smiled at me sadly. Then her glance descended to her bare bosom, to her legs which I kept apart, and to her raised dress, disclosing her thigh. Yet she made no attempt to veil her nudity, and, instead of pushing me away she drew me towards her, burying my face in the valley between her bubbies and pressing me to them passionately. A sob rose in my throat, — a sob of vexation and remorse and also tenderness. But the tears appeased me, — they steadied my nerves; and I abandoned myself to the infantile sweetness of letting myself be consoled.
I myself drew down her dress, after furtively kissing the nude, moist thigh; I myself veiled, with amorous precautions, my beloved's beautiful breasts, so that no harm could come to their fragile, rosy nipples. Then, closely pressed one against the other, we ascended to our rooms. The open window on the landing was already glowing with a phosphorescence which heralded in the approaching end of night.
Therese was leaning on my shoulder and whispered in my ear:
'You have been infinitely tender and deliciously indulgent, my darling. But I implore you not to be disappointed over this first night of our marriage. To me it has been so full of love, — infinitely more beautiful, richer in voluptuousness than all my dreams. Don't you see how I am still all a-tremble through your caresses? — and how madly in love I am with you? I don't know how to tell you all this. But it is with the whole gift of my body that I would thank you.'
On the threshold of her room our lips were again united, and then I took refuge in my own bed- chamber.
CHAPTER VI
Therese was standing before me in a state of complete nudity, and laughing so uproariously that her breasts danced up and down. Her very haunches joined in the rhythm. Moreover, her mocking laughter was directed against her husband, for my sole article of clothing was a shirt so short that it barely reached my navel. But her hilarity was above all incited by the pitiable appearance of my virility, which had shrivelled up to a condition of total impotency. She ended, however, by taking pity on me and awakening my sex by a few caresses, after which she threw herself on the bed and began to go through a series of frolics of the most disturbing obscenity. Maddened with lust in my turn, I threw myself upon her, whereupon she slipped away, dashed towards the window, and jumped into space!
A cry escaped from my lips and brought this erotic nightmare to a sudden end. I awoke, covered with perspiration and my sex in a state of erection. Though still heavy with sleep, I resisted the desire to snuggle down under the bed-clothes again. Better get up immediately: a modicum of fatigue would, I decided, certainly do me good.
I had, at first, some difficulty in re-arranging and re-valuing my recollections of the preceding evening. Was it possible that my marriage dated only since yesterday? But soon a dominating, luminous idea came uppermost: the certainty that out of our union I could produce a masterpiece of intellectual and fleshly harmony. I repeated my oath. And though, on two occasions already, I had experienced its fragility, on the other hand, that morning I felt more sure of myself. Measuring the splendour of the goal to be reached, I accepted the trial cheerfully.
For a few seconds I listened behind the door. My wife was still asleep. I waved a kiss to her with my hand and then went to dress myself.
On re-entering my room, my toilet completed, Therese heard me, and began to talk through the partition.
'Good-morning, darling. What time can it be?'
'Nine o'clock. But have another snooze. It was so late when we went to bed.'
'No, I want to see you. Come and give me a kiss.'
'You think that that is a very obvious thing to do?'
'Clearly, you old and neglectful hubby.'
'But the door's locked.'
'Liar! — you know very well it isn't.'
So I went in and knelt down by the side of the low bed.
I was astonished to find my wife more divinely beautiful than I had pictured her in my mind. Her blond hair, which she had never consented to have cut, lay like a stream of liquid gold on the bedclothes, while the changeful blue of her eyes, that morning, had turned to a deep azure. She was wearing a most chaste night-gown: too chaste to my taste, since it barely left one shoulder and a slight portion of one of her breasts visible.
I gave her a long, long kiss. But when my lips strayed down towards her bosom, which my hand had already reached, she stopped me, with a caressing movement.
'Listen, darling. You must be reasonable this morning. Last night you made me quite crazy, — and my breasts still hurt me a little.'
Then, as she concluded, she began to laugh:
'I know a gentleman who is certainly borne down with remorse, and very much disinclined to start again.'
On my looking sulky and knitting my eyebrows, she added:
'You don't want to be reasonable? We can profit by the still fresh morning hours to sit in the garden. And this afternoon, when it gets too hot outside, we can take refuge there. You will then find me… as I am now, if you like.'
'And you'll try to be pardoned for your naughtiness.'
'Yes, bad and exacting man that you are! But on the condition that you go away immediately.'
'Why?'
'To let me have my bath and dress myself.'
'Upon my word, if that's the reason, I'd rather remain here.'
She gave me a little tap on my lips, and then said, smilingly:
'Promise that you'll go away at once, and you shall have a reward.'
