Headmaster's career and the publicity that would result when the News of the World learnt that Major Fetherington, instead of being in loco parentis, had been in loco matronae and wearing a french tickler to boot. The Headmaster watched them go and then crossed the quad at a run to the Armoury.
'Off your butts,' he shouted, evidently inspired by the place to use Army language and ignoring the Major's patent inability to do more than wobble in his wheelchair. 'You're going to France and you're going to bring that bloody boy back within the week even if you have to drug the little bugger.'
'France?' said Slymne with a quaver. That country still held terrors for him. 'But why me? I've got '
'Because this stupid sex-maniac can't drive. By this time tomorrow you'll be at the damned Chateau.'
'More than I will,' said the Major. 'You can sack me on the spot but I'm fucked if I'm going to be hurtled across Europe in a fucking wheelchair. I can't put it plainer than that.'
'I can,' said the Headmaster, who had learnt something from Mr Clyde-Browne when it came to blunt speaking. 'Either you'll use your despicable influence on your loathsome protege, Master Peregrine Clyde-Bloody-Browne, and hopefully murder Glodstone in the process, or that damned man will have the police in and you'll not only lose your job but you'll be explaining to the CID and the Army why you gave those guns to a couple of lunatics.'
'But I didn't. I told you '
'Shut up! I'll tell them,' said the Headmaster, 'because you were screwing the Matron with a french tickler and Glodstone threatened to blow your cover.'
'That's a downright lie,' said the Major without much conviction.
'Perhaps,' yelled the headmaster, 'but Mrs Clyde-Browne evidently didn't see it that way and since her husband claims to be a personal friend of every High-Court Judge in the country, not to mention the Lord Chancellor, I don't fancy your chances in the witness box.'
'But can't we phone the Countess and explain...' Slymne began.
'What? That the school employs maniacs like Glodstone to come and rescue her? Anyway the secretary's tried and the woman isn't in the directory.'
'But the cost '
'Will be funded from the school mission on the Isle of Dogs which is at least designated for the redemption of delinquents and no one can say it's not being put to its proper purpose.'
Later that afternoon, Slymne drove down the motorway towards Dover once again. Beside him the Major sat on an inflated inner tube and cursed the role of women in human affairs. 'It was her idea to use that beastly thingamajig,' he complained, 'I couldn't stop her. Had me at her mercy and anyway I couldn't feel a thing. Can't imagine why they call them French letters.' Slymne kept his thoughts to himself. He was wondering what the Countess had had to say about the letters she hadn't written.
Chapter 18
He needn't have worried. For the moment the Countess had other problems in mind. In fact the day had been fraught with problems. Mr Hodgson had refused to spend another night in a place where he was liable to be mugged every time he went to the loo and had left without paying his bill; Mr Rutherby had added to his wife's and Mr Coombe's little difficulties by threatening to commit a crime passionnell if he ever caught them together again, and Mr Coombe had told him in no uncertain terms that Mr Rutherby wouldn't know what a crime fucking passionnell was until he'd been clamped in Mrs Rutherby for three bloody hours with people pulling his legs to get him out.
But it had been the delegates who had given the most trouble. Dr Abnekov still maintained that
