and rhymed. Or would have done if he could think of something that rhymed with Irmgard. About the only word that sprang to mind was Lifeguard. After that there was yard, sparred, barred and lard. None of them seemed to match the sensitivity of his feelings. After three fruitless miles he turned back and trudged towards his responsibilities as a married man. Wilt didn't want them.
Chapter 4
He didn't much want what he found on his desk on Monday morning. It was a note from the Vice-Principal asking Wilt to come and see him at, rather sinisterly, 'your earliest, repeat earliest, convenience'.
'Bugger my convenience,' muttered Wilt. 'Why can't he say 'immediately' and be done with it?'
With the thought that something was amiss and that he might as well get the bad news over and done with as quickly as possible, he went down two floors and along the corridor to the Vice-Principal's office.
'Ah Henry, I'm sorry to bother you like this,' said the Vice-Principal, 'but I'm afraid we've had some rather disturbing news about your department.'
'Disturbing?' said Wilt suspiciously.
'Distinctly disturbing. In fact all hell has been let loose up at County Hall.'
'What are they poking their noses into this time? If they think they can send any more advisers like the last one we had who wanted to know why we didn't have combined classes of bricklayers and nursery nurses so that there was sexual equality you can tell them from me...'
The Vice-Principal held up a protesting hand. 'That has nothing to do with what they want this time. It's what they don't want. And, quite frankly, if you had listened to their advice about multi-sexed classes this wouldn't have happened.'
'I know what would have,' said Wilt. 'We'd have been landed with a lot of pregnant nannies and '
'If you would just listen a moment. Never mind nursery nurses. What do you know about buggering crocodiles?'
'What do I know about... did I hear you right?'
The Vice-Principal nodded. 'I'm afraid so.'
'Well if you want a frank answer I shouldn't have thought it was possible. And if you're suggesting '
'What I am telling you, Henry, is that someone in your department has been doing it. They've even made a film of it.'
'Film of it?' said Wilt, still grappling with the appalling zoological implications of even approaching a crocodile, let alone buggering the brute.
'With some apprentice class,' continued the Vice-Principal, 'and the Education Committee have heard about it and want to know why.'
'I can't say I blame them,' said Wilt, 'I mean you'd have to be a suicidal candidate for Krafft-Ebing to proposition a fucking crocodile and while I know I've got some demented sods as part-timers I'd have noticed if any of them had been eaten. Where the hell did he get the crocodile from?'
'No use asking me,' said the Vice-Principal. 'All I know is that the Committee insist on seeing the film before passing judgement.'
'Well they can pass what judgements they like,' said Wilt, just so long as they leave me out of it. I accept no responsibility for any filming that's done in my department and if some maniac chooses to screw a crocodile, that's his business, not mine. I never wanted all those TV cameras
