stiffly. 'Though frankly I'd prefer it if you didn't.'
'If you don't put it like that how do you put it?' asked the indefatigable Penelope
Mrs de Frackas searched her mind in vain for an alternative.
'I don't quite know.' she said, surprised at her own ignorance. 'I suppose the matter never arose.'
'Daddy's does,' said Josephine, 'I saw it once.'
Mrs de Frackas turned her disgusted attention on the child and tried to stifle her own curiosity. 'You did?' she said involuntarily.
'He was in the bathroom with mummy and I looked through the keyhole and daddy's...'
'It's time you had baths too,' said Mrs de Frackas, getting to her feet before Josephine could divulge any further details of the Wilts' sexual life.
'We haven't had supper yet,' said Samantha.
'Then I'll get you some,' said Mrs de Frackas and went up the cellar steps to hunt for eggs. By the time she returned with a tray the quads were no longer hungry. They had finished a jar of pickled onions and were halfway through their second packet of dried figs.
'You've still got to have scrambled eggs,' said the old lady resolutely. 'I didn't go to the trouble of making them to have them wasted, you know.'
'You didn't make them,' said Penelope. 'Mummy hens made them.'
'And daddy hens are called cocks,' squealed Josephine but Mrs de Frackas, having just outfaced two armed bandits, was in no mood to be defied by four foul-minded girls.
'We won't discuss that any further, thank you,' she said, 'I've had quite enough.'
It was shortly apparent that the quads had too. As she shooed them up the cellar steps Emmeline was complaining that her tummy hurt.
'It will soon stop, dear,' said Mrs de Frackas, 'and it doesn't help to hiccup like that.'
'Not hiccuping,' retorted Emmeline, and promptly vomited on the kitchen floor. Mrs de Frackas looked around in the semi-darkness for the light switch and had just found it and turned it on when Chinanda cannoned into her and switched it off.
'What are you trying to do? Get us all killed?' he yelled.
'Not all of us,' said Mrs de Frackas, 'and if you don't look where you're going...'
A crash as the terrorist slid across the kitchen floor on a mixture of half-digested pickled onions and dried figs indicated that Chinanda hadn't.
'It's no use blaming me,' said Mrs de Frackas, 'and you shouldn't use language like that in front of children. It sets a very bad example.'
'I set an example all right,' shouted Chinanda, 'I spill your guts.'
'I rather think somebody is doing that already,' retorted the old lady as the other three quads, evidently sharing Emmeline's inability to cope with quite so eclectic a diet, followed her example. Presently the kitchen was filled with four howling and vomit-stained small girls, a very unappetizing smell, two demented terrorists and Mrs de Frackas at her most imperious. To add to the confusion Baggish had deserted his post in the front hall and had dashed in threatening to kill the first person who moved.
'I have no intention of moving,' said Mrs de Frackas, 'and since the only person who is happens to be that creature grovelling in the corner I suggest you put him out of his misery.'
From the direction of the sink Chinanda could be heard disentangling himself from Eva's Kenwood mixer which had joined him on the floor.
Mrs de Frackas turned the light on again. This time no one objected, Chinanda because he had been momentarily stunned and Baggish because he was too dismayed by the state of the kitchen.
'And now,' said the old lady, 'if you've quite finished I'll take the children up for their bath before putting them to bed.'
