about five o'clock in the morning, he had planted something in his cousin's garden, which bore fruit nine months afterwards in the shape of a fine boy.
After breakfast, the young gentleman mounted his tandem-cart, attended by his faithful Robert. On the sly he had taken the most loving farewell of Eliza, and without that secrecy, a most affectionate one of his uncle, who promised everything that was good natured, both with regard to his promotion in the service and his marriage to Eliza.
All this was very agreeable to Alfred, although he certainly considered that his uncle's ready regard for his interest was partially attributed to his desire to get his daughter married and out of his house, before introducing a new Mrs. Bonham as mistress thereof. But whatever the cause, the experienced commander sensibly reflected that it was his duty to take advantage of his uncle's liberality while he could. Serenely turning these matters over in his mind, he arrived at the barracks, where he was welcomed by his brother officers, with whom he was a decided favourite, each in his own peculiar way. The Colonel, in a polite, man-of-the-world style, hoped that he had had a pleasant visit, and wanted to know when he might be presented to Mrs.
Alfred Torrant. The Colonel did not like his officers to marry except with wealthy and handsome women; money of course was an advantage in the regiment, whoever it belonged to, and the Colonel liked pretty women- maids, wives and widows; so as Alfred bade fair to acquire both advantages united, the Colonel wished all success to his suit. Major Pobjoy remarked that it was not always that a young man had a prospect of so many worldly advantages, together with the blessing of a regenerate father-in-law. To which Alfred-who did not care much about the Major, as he was leaving the corps, — replied that he did not know what a 'regenerate' meant, but if it meant religious, his venerated relative was a devilish good fellow, but rather too strong on that point.
'He read us an epistle, or a chapter, or something last night, Colonel. He did, I assure you,' said Alfred, addressing his superior officer. 'The first epistle of Saint Jeroboam to the Rechabites, or some such people, and it was all I could do to live through it, thought I should have yawned my head off-upon my word I did.'
Thus saying, the Captain toddled off to his quarters, out of hearing of the irreverent comments of divers of his younger comrades, some of whom opined that if Torrant was not married to Miss Bonham, the sooner he was the better, while one of the lot, Julius Larkyns, gave it as his opinion that Alfred looked as if he were married already.
A shrewd remark-founded upon Alfred's subdued appearance-for which our readers who have borne that young gentleman company during the past twenty-four hours, will feel disposed to give Captain Larkyns credit. This gentleman with one or two others of the same kidney, were speedily summoned to a conference by Alfred, he being suddenly smitten with an idea that a messenger might be very shortly expected at the barracks enquiring for Major Ringtail, in order to serve him either a summons before a magistrate, or to deliver him a lawyer's letter, threatening an action of damages for defamation of character.
And as Captain Torrant had nothing to do until he received Rosa's address from Eliza, it struck him that it would be a pleasant and profitable method of spending his leisure time, if he and his companions in arms were to get somebody to impersonate the Major, and thereby get some fun out of the victimized Stiggins, and the unfortunate Miss Larcher. Words are faint to describe the delights expressed by the young officers of HM's 51st Dragoons on hearing such an agreeable game proposed to them; and their respect for their friend's henchman, Robert, as a mischief-maker, liar and blackguard generally, amounted to something very like reverence. But it would never do to let him personate the Major, for he might be brought into contact with Mrs. Fielding and be recognized, but as one of the lieutenants piously remarked: 'Thank God there are plenty more scamps in the corps, and we shall find one clever enough to impersonate the Major or anyone else for that matter.'
The first thing to do was to warn the sentry on duty not to refuse anyone admittance who came asking for Major Ringtail, the second thing to do was to dress up Julius Larkyns' man in a shooting coat belonging to that gentleman, and arranging that he should occupy his master's quarters, as soon as Stiggins or any of his missionaries made their appearance.
This was not very long in happening, for Larkyns, who was smoking a cigar, with his head out of the window, suddenly exclaimed: 'Here he is! That must be him, I'll go and direct him up here. You stay here you fellows!' addressing Torrant and three or four more, 'you are only keeping the Major company in weed, you know!'
So saying off he went, and his friends followed the idea, saw him accosting a fat, bloated, pale-faced unwholesome looking man, who seemed staring about half-bewildered in the barracks yard. Under the kind pilotage of Captain Larkyns the doubt was soon solved, and the hapless Stiggins entered the room of the so-called Major Ringtail. On entering, Captain Larkyns gravely addressed his man Tom with: 'Sorry to intrude upon you Major, but this party was looking for you, and I thought it was well to bring him up to your quarters.'
'Quite right, my boy, as long as he isn't a dun,' readily replied the soidisant Major.
'I am no dun, sir,' answered Stiggins, intending to be majestic, but rather taken aback upon seeing what a knot of daredevil looking youngsters he had intruded among. 'I am a minister of the word, sir, an 'umble apostle of the truth sir, and my name is Stiggins!'
'Oh, indeed!' was the cool reply, 'sit down, Mr. Stiggins, glad to see youyou're the man that buggered the pig, ain't you? Interesting zoological pursuit, I should imagine! Julius, mix a little refreshment for Mr.
Stiggins, he must be thirsty after his walk.'
The pious man half rose from his seat and essayed to speak, but he could not. He stuttered and gasped, and his eyes rolled in his head, while his pasty looking face became purple. While he was thus endeavouring to give vent to his indignation, Captain Larkyns adopted the hint of his quick-witted man, made him some 'refreshing' drink. He got hold of a rum bottle and half filled a tumbler, then he was going to administer a trifling modicum of water, but Torrant took the jug away and gave him in its place a bottle of gin. A portion of this added to the rum made a cool wholesome mixture; the flavour being slightly modified by a lump of ice, three or four bits of sugar, a piece of lemon and some nutmeg. To this fearful compound, Larkyns gave the impromptu title of 'The Prince's Mixture'.
Gravely addressing the almost convulsed preacher, the young officer said: 'You seem rather unwell, reverend sir, wearied in body and somewhat troubled in spirit, perchance? Pray allow me to adopt our worthy Major's suggestion, and offer you a slight refreshment. It was considered a valuable stomachic by that model of all the monarchsthe late George the Fourth-named Prince's Mixture, in his honour when Regent.'
'Under those circumstances, young man,' replied Stiggins, majestically, 'I shall lay aside the conscientious scruples which I entertain against drinking anything but the water of the brook; but being in duty bound to reverence the powers that be, I feel myself called upon to follow the example of the august monarch you have named.'
Hereupon, reducing his features to something like a human expression, he took a pretty fair pull of the dangerous compound; remarking, as he placed the half emptied tumbler on the table, that it was somewhat potent.
'Not at all,' replied Larkyns, 'it is only your Reverence's water drinking habits that make you fancy everything else strong in taste.'
'Truly it may be so, but my business here is with Major Ringtail,' replied Stiggins, turning to address that individual. 'There is a terrible story spread abroad sir, to the effect of my having been seen in an unseemly position with a swine, and that you have been heard to accuse me of that indiscretion without any consequences resulting on my part, and I have come here not only to put a stop to such abominable reports, but also to demand satisfaction in some shape or other. Indeed, I consider it due to myself as a preacher of the word, to have amends made to me in a pecuniary sense, for the damage my character has sustained.'
To this exordium the so-called Major made no reply, but Larkyns quietly slipped a wine glass full of Scotch whisky into his reverence's tumbler, while Torrant coolly said:
'I presume Major, that your friend here is the party who was accused of fucking the old sow, in Fanner Godson's pig-stye?'
'Nothing of the sort sir! It's an infamous falsehood!' shrieked Stiggins, rising from his chair and stamping in high wrath.
'Take it easy, my friend, take it easy,' continued Alfred, 'anybody may be mistaken.'
'Oh certainly!' interrupted the mollified pastor, taking a big drink.
'And if you preferred buggering a pig to fucking a sow, I don't see that it is anybody's business!'
Here there was another outbreak on the part of Stiggins, drowned however by the roars of laughter following Alfred's peace-making amendment. All that could be distinguished was a heap of broken sentences, such as: 'Go to magistrates-bring action-defamation c'racter-spectable lady member cong-g-ration, Miss Larcher, thousand pounds
