'Precisely. You should be off teaching or doing research-with a couple degrees after your name-not filling a space some poor undergrad could be occupying.'
I dismissed a mental picture of the poor would-be undergrad-lean, hollow-eyed, nose and fingertips pressed against the glass, his breath fogging it, slavering after the education I was denying him-and I said, 'Crap again. Why do you really want to get rid of me?'
He stared at his pipe, almost thoughtfully, for a moment, then said, 'When you get right down to basics, I just plain don't like you.'
'But why? You hardly know me.'
'I know about you-which is more than sufficient.' He tapped my file. 'It's all in there,' he said. 'You represent an attitude for which I have no respect.'
'Would you mind being more specific?'
'All right,' he said, turning the pages to one of many markers that protruded from the file. 'According to the record, you have been an undergraduate here for-let me see-approximately thirteen years.'
'That sounds about right.'
'Full-time,' he added.
'Yes, I've always been full-time.'
'You entered the university at an early age. You were a precocious little fellow. Your grades have always been quite good.'
'Thank you.'
'That was not a compliment. It was an observation. Lots of grad material too, but always for undergrad credit. Quantity-wise, in fact, there is the substance of a couple of doctorates in here. Several composites suggest themselves-'
'Composites do not come under the departmental major rule.'
'Yes. I am well aware of that. We are both quite well aware of that. It has become obvious over the years that your intention is to retain your full-time status but never to graduate.'
'I never said that.'
'An acknowledgment would be redundant. Mister Cassidy. The record speaks for itself. Once you had all the general requirements out of the way, it was still relatively simple for you to avoid graduation by switching your major periodically and obtaining a new set of special requirements. After a time, however, these began to overlap. It soon became necessary for you to switch every semester. The rule concerning mandatory graduation on completion of a departmental major was, as I understand it, passed solely because of you. You have done a lot of sidestepping, but this time you are all out of sides to step to. Time runs, the clock will strike. This is the last interview of this sort you will ever have.'
'I hope so. I just came to get my card signed.'
'You also asked me a question.'
'Yes, but I can see now that you're busy and I'm willing to let you off the hook.'
'That's quite all right. I'm here to answer your questions. To continue, when I first learned of your case, I was naturally curious as to the reason for your peculiar behavior. When I was offered the opportunity of becoming your adviser, I made it my business to find out-'
' ‘Offered'? You mean you're doing this by choice?'
'Very much so. I wanted to be the one to say goodbye to you, to see you off on your way into the real world.'
'If you'd just sign my card-'
'Not yet. Mister Cassidy. You wanted to know why I dislike you. When you leave here-via the door-you will know. To begin with, I have succeeded where my predecessors failed. I am familiar with the provisions of your uncle's will.'
I nodded. I had had a feeling he was driving that way.
'You seem to have exceeded the scope of your appointment,' I said. 'That is a personal matter.'
'When it touches upon your activities here, it comes within my area of interest-and speculation. As I understand it, your late uncle left a fairly sizable fund out of which you receive an extremely liberal allowance for so long as you are a full-time student working on a degree. Once you receive a degree of any sort, the allowance terminates and the balance remaining in the fund is to be distributed to representatives of the Irish Republican Army. I believe I have described the situation fairly?'
'As fairly as an unfair situation can be described, I suppose. Poor, batty old Uncle Albert. Poor me, actually. Yes, you have the facts straight.'
'It would seem that the man's intention was to provide for your receiving an adequate education-no more, no less-and then leaving it to you to make your own way in the world. A most sensible notion, as I see it.'
'I had already guessed that.'
'And one to which you, obviously, do not subscribe.'
'True. Two very different philosophies of education are obviously involved here.'
'Mister Cassidy, I believe that economics rather than philosophy controls the situation. For thirteen years you have contrived to remain a full-time student without taking a degree so that your stipend would continue. You have taken gross advantage of the loophole in your uncle's will because you are a playboy and a dilettante, with no real desire ever to work, to hold a job, to repay society for suffering your existence. You are an opportunist. You are irresponsible. You are a drone.'
I nodded. 'All right. You have satisfied my curiosity as to your way of thinking. Thank you.'
His brows fell into a frown and he studied my face.
'Since you may be my adviser for a long while,' I said, 'I wanted to know something of your attitude. Now I do.'
He chuckled. 'You are bluffing.'
I shrugged. 'If you'll just sign my card, I'll be on my way.'
'I do not have to see that card,' he said slowly, 'to know that I will not be your adviser for a long while. This is it, Cassidy, an end to your flippancy.'
I withdrew the card and extended it. He ignored it and continued. 'And with your demoralizing effect here at the university, I cannot help but wonder how your uncle would feel if he knew how his wishes were being thwarted. He-'
'I'll ask him when he comes around,' I said. 'But when I saw him last month he wasn't exactly turning over.'
'Beg pardon? I didn't quite ... '
'Uncle Albert was one of the fortunate ones in the Bide-A-Wee scandal. About a year ago. Remember?'
He shook his head slowly. 'I'm afraid not. I thought your uncle was dead. In fact, he has to be. If the will ... '
'It's a delicate philosophical point,' I said. 'Legally, he's dead all right. But he had himself frozen and stored at Bide-A-Wee-one of those cryonic outfits. The proprietors proved somewhat less than scrupulous, however, and the authorities had him moved to a different establishment along with the other survivors.'
'Survivors?'
'I suppose that's the best word. Bide-A-Wee had over five hundred customers on their books, but they actually only had around fifty on ice. Made a tremendous profit that way.'
'I don't understand. What became of the others?'
'Their better components wound up in gray-market organ banks. That was another area where Bide-A-Wee turned a handsome profit.'
'I do seem to remember hearing about it now. But what did they do with the ... remains?'
'One of the partners also owned a funeral establishment. He just disposed of things in the course of that employment.'
'Oh. Well ... Wait a minute. What did they do if someone came around and wanted to view a frozen friend or relative?'
'They switched nameplates. One frozen body seen through a frosted panel looks pretty much like any other- sort of like a popsicle in cellophane. Anyway, Uncle Albert was one of the ones they kept for show. He always was lucky.'
