ones.' Margaret got to her feet and walked to the window to stare down on Berkeley Square below. 'You do not understand, Nessie,' she said. '/Nobody /understands. When I made my promise to Papa, I knew I was making a twelve-year commitment - until Stephen reached his majority. I am eight years into that commitment. I am not going to shrug free of the remaining four years just because our circumstances have changed, just because you are happily married and Kate is being courted by half a dozen or more eligible gentlemen and Stephen is chafing at the bit to be free. Or because I have had a good offer and might go off to Northumberland to begin a new life and leave Kate and Stephen to your care and Lord Lyngate's. This has /nothing /to do with Crispin Dew. It has nothing to do with /anything /except a promise freely made and gladly carried out.
I /love /you all. I will /not /abandon my duty even if Stephen finds it irksome. I /will /not.' Vanessa moved up beside her and wrapped an arm about her waist. 'Let's go shopping,' she said. 'I saw the most glorious bonnet yesterday, but it was royal blue and would not suit me at all. It will look quite ravishing on you, though. Come and see it before someone else buys it. Where is Kate, by the way?' 'She has gone for a carriage ride with Miss Flaxley and Lord Bretby and Mr. Ames,' Margaret said. 'I have more bonnets than I know what to do with, Nessie.' 'Then one more will be neither here nor there,' Vanessa said. 'Let's go.' 'Oh, Nessie.' Margaret laughed shakily. 'Whatever would I do without you?' 'You would have more room in your wardrobe, that is for sure,' Vanessa said, and they both laughed.
With a heavy heart, though, Vanessa arrived home at Moreland House a couple of hours later. The unhappiness of one's loved ones was often harder to bear than one's own, she thought - and Meg was undoubtedly unhappy.
Not that /she /was unhappy. It was just that…
Well, it was just that she had known delirious happiness during her honeymoon and again for a few days before and after her presentation.
And that happiness had made her greedy for more.
She could not force herself to be contented with a marriage that was just workable and agreeable.
She was, of course, almost certain that she was with child. Perhaps /that /would make a difference. But why should it? She was merely performing the function for which he had married her.
But oh, dear - she was pregnant with Elliott's child and her own. With /their /child. She so desperately wanted to be happy again. Not just happy within herself, despite what she had said to Meg earlier. She wanted to be happy with /him/. She wanted him to be ecstatic with joy when she told him. She wanted…
Well, she wanted the sun, of course.
How very foolish she was.
There were not many free evenings. It seemed like a rare treat when one occasionally presented itself.
On one such evening Cecily had gone to the theater with a group of friends, under the chaperonage of the mother of one of them. Elliott retired to the library after dinner. His mother, who sat drinking tea and conversing with Vanessa in the drawing room, could not hide her yawns and finally excused herself, pleading total exhaustion. 'I feel,' she said as Vanessa kissed her cheek, 'as if I could sleep for a week.' 'I daresay one good night of uninterrupted sleep will suffice,' Vanessa said. 'But if it does not, then I will chaperone Cecily at the garden party tomorrow and you may have a quiet day. Good night, Mother.' 'You are always so good,' her mother-in-law said. 'How very glad I am that Elliott married you. Good night, Vanessa.' Vanessa sat alone for a while, reading her book. But the growingly familiar feeling of slight depression settled upon her and distracted her attention from the adventures of Odysseus as he tried to return to Ithaca and his Penelope.
Elliott was downstairs in the library and she was up here in the drawing room during a precious evening when they were both at home. Would this be the pattern of their married life?
Would she /allow /it to be?
Perhaps he would come up here if he knew his mother had gone to bed and she was alone.
Perhaps he would resent her going down there.
And perhaps, she thought finally, getting resolutely to her feet and keeping one finger inside the book to mark her place, she ought to go and find out. This was her home too, after all, and he was her husband.
And they were not estranged. They had not quarreled. If they drifted apart into a distant relationship, then it would be at least partly her fault if she had not tried to do something about it.
She tapped on the library door and opened it even as he called to her to come in.
There was a fire burning in the hearth even though it was not a cold evening. He was seated in a deep leather chair to one side of it, a book open in one hand. The library was a room she loved, with its tall bookcases filled with leather-bound books lining three walls and its old oak desk large enough for three people to lie across side by side.
It was far cozier than the drawing room. She did not blame Elliott for choosing to sit here for the evening. Tonight it looked more inviting than ever. So did he. He was slightly slouched in his chair. One of his ankles was resting on the knee of the other leg. 'Your mother is tired,' she said. 'She has gone to bed. Do you mind if I join you?' He scrambled to his feet. 'I hope you will,' he said, indicating the chair opposite his own, on the other side of the fire.
A log crackled in the hearth, sending a shower of sparks upward into the chimney.
She sat and smiled at him and then, because she could not think of anything to say, she opened her book, cleared her throat, and began to read.
He did likewise, without the throat clearing. He no longer slouched. He had both feet on the floor.
Her seat was too deep for her. She either had to sit with straight back against the rest and feet dangling a few inches off the floor or with feet flat on the floor and back arched like a bow against the rest or with feet flat on the floor and back ramrod straight and unsupported.
After a few minutes, during which she tried all three positions and found none of them comfortable, she kicked off her slippers, curled her feet up on the seat beside her, settling her skirt about her as she did so, and nestled the side of her head against the wing of the chair. She gazed into the fire and then glanced at Elliott.
He was looking steadily back at her. 'It is not ladylike, I know,' she said apologetically. 'My mother and father were forever telling me to sit properly. But I am short and most chairs are too large for me. Besides, I am comfortable like this.' 'You /look /comfortable,' he said.
She smiled at him and somehow neither of them resumed reading. They just looked at each other. 'Tell me about your father,' she said softly.
She had kept remembering his mother telling her that she had hoped he would be different from his father. Elliott never spoke of him.
He continued to stare at her for a while. Then he turned his gaze on the fire and set his book down on the table beside him. 'I adored him,' he said. 'He was my great hero, the rock of my existence. He was the model of all I aspired to be when I grew up.
Everything I did was done to please him. He used to be away from home for long spells at a time. I lived for his return. When I was very young, I used to camp out at the gates of the park watching for his horse or carriage and on the rare occasion when he came while I was there, I would be taken up beside him and made much of before my mother and sisters could have their turn. When I was older and started getting into scrapes with Con, my behavior was always tempered by the fear of disappointing my father or inciting his wrath. When I began sowing wild oats as a young man, part of me worried that I would never be worthy of him, that I would never measure up to the standard he had set.' He was silent for a while. Vanessa did not attempt to say anything. She sensed that there was more to come. There was pain in his eyes and his voice, a frown line between his brows. 'There was never a closer, happier family than ours,' he said. 'Never a husband more devoted to his wife or a father more devoted to his children. Life was in many ways idyllic despite his long absences. It was filled with love. More than anything else in this world I wanted a marriage and a family like his. I wanted to bask in his approval. I wanted people to be able to say of us, 'Like father, like son.' ' Vanessa let her book close on her lap without marking her place and clasped her arms with her hands, though she ought not to have been cold when she sat so close to the fire. 'And then a year and a half ago,' he said, 'he died suddenly in the bed of his mistress.' Vanessa stared at him, shocked beyond words. 'They had been together for more than thirty years,' he told her, 'a little longer than he had been married to my mother. They had five children, the youngest fifteen, a little younger than Cecily, the eldest thirty, a little older than me.' 'Oh,' Vanessa said. 'He had provided well for his mistress in the event of his death,' he said. 'He had placed two of his sons in steady, lucrative employment.
The third was still at a good school. He had found respectable, well-to-do husbands for his two daughters.
