to cling. He taught me how to let go, how to… He told me before he died that I must love again and marry again and be happy again. He told me I must always laugh. He - ' She swallowed, and he could hear the gurgle in her throat.
He buried his nose in her hair and kissed the top of her head. 'He loved me,' she said. 'And I loved him. I /did/. I am sorry, Elliott.
I am truly sorry. I /did /love him.' He set his free hand beneath her chin and lifted her face to his. He kissed her, tasting the salt of tears on her cheeks and on her lips. 'You must never apologize for that,' he said against her lips. 'And you must never deny it to yourself. Of course you loved him. And I am glad you did. You would not be the person I have come to know you as if you had not loved him.' Her hand came up to cup the side of his face. 'You are not still /terribly /sorry you married me?' she asked him. 'Was I ever?' he asked her. 'I think you were,' she said. 'You would never have chosen me left to yourself. I am plain, and I quarreled with you a number of times.' 'I suppose you /were /something of a pest,' he said, 'now that you remind me.' She choked with laughter - as he had intended. 'But never plain,' he said. 'Just beauty in disguise. And no, I am not sorry, terribly or otherwise. I am not sorry at all.' 'Oh,' she said, 'I am so glad. I have made you comfortable, then? And a little bit happy?' 'And a little bit pleasured?' he said. 'All three in fact, Vanessa. And you?' 'And I am happy too,' she said, kissing him softly on the lips with the old pucker.
It never failed to arouse him.
It was time for some grand declaration, he supposed. It was the time when, if he were not already married to her, he ought to go down on one knee with a flourish, take her hand in his, declare his undying love, and beg her to make him the happiest of men.
Since they /were /already married, he ought to -
There was a loud crack and whoosh from somewhere close by, and his thoughts were shattered as Vanessa shot to her feet. /What the devil?/ 'The fireworks!' she cried. 'They are beginning, Elliott. Oh, do let us hurry and go and see. Look!' She pointed upward to a fountain of red sparks that had appeared above the treetops. 'Have you ever heard or seen anything more exciting in your life?' 'Never,' he said with a grin as she found his hand in the darkness and drew him - in his shirtsleeves - along the path at a smart trot.
23
THE day before her brother and sisters left for the country, Katherine moved into Moreland House, from where she would continue participating in the activities of the Season with Cecily under the chaperonage of Cecily's mother until Vanessa returned. She was quite cheerful about the move, though part of her wished she were going home with everyone else, she told Vanessa and Margaret.
Vanessa sat down in her bedchamber to have a private word with her just before leaving the following morning. She wanted to warn her sister to be careful of Constantine, though it was a difficult thing to do as she did not want to disclose specifics of her misgivings about him. 'He is a number of years older than you, Kate,' she said, 'and very handsome and charming. He is an experienced man about town. I fear he may be something of a…Well, something of a rake. It would not be wise to trust him implicitly just because he is our second cousin.' 'Oh, you need not concern yourself, Nessie,' Katherine said with a laugh as she seated herself in the middle of her bed and hugged her raised knees. 'I know you have not liked Constantine lately because Lord Lyngate has a quarrel with him. I do not know what that is about, and I do not want to know - it is between the two of them. But our cousin is as strict a chaperone as you could possibly be - or Meg or Lady Lyngate.' Vanessa raised her eyebrows in some surprise. 'Chaperone?' she said. 'Cecily can be a little wild when she is out of her mama's sight or yours and Lord Lyngate's,' Katherine said. 'She expected that when she was with Constantine she would be able to stop and talk with any gentleman with whom she has even the slightest acquaintance and walk with him while I stayed with Constantine. I even suspect that some of those chance meetings were trysts that had been arranged beforehand. But our cousin will have none of it, and though he is very good-humored and never makes Cecily cross, he makes it quite clear that she will not do anything in his company that she would not do in her mama's. And he has been concerned enough to point out to both of us those gentlemen whose advances we ought not to encourage. Perhaps he /is /a rake when in different company - many gentlemen are, I believe. But with us he is always the soul of honor and propriety.' 'Is he?' Vanessa said. 'I am glad to hear it.' And she was more than ever sorry that his quarrel with Elliott had provoked him into such spite against /her/. She was sorrier still that he had behaved so dishonorably at Warren Hall when Jonathan was alive.
But of course he was not a monster and she must not expect him always to be villainous. 'Don't ever allow yourself to be alone with him, though, Kate,' she said. '/He /would never allow it even if I would,' her sister said. 'Besides, Nessie, he too is going away within the next few days. He has purchased a house and land in Gloucestershire and is going to settle there.' 'Is he?' 'I will miss him,' Katherine said. 'I like him exceedingly well.' He was certainly not poor, then, Vanessa thought. But surely his father had not left him a large enough fortune to enable him to buy an estate of his own. Then she remembered the money and jewels he had stolen, and she sighed aloud. 'He had a talk with Stephen when they were riding in the park together one morning,' Katherine said. 'He advised him to return to Warren Hall and apply himself to his studies and to learning all there is to know about the running of his properties and the responsibilities of his position. There will be time enough later, when he has reached his majority, to sow a few wild oats, he told Stephen, and to enjoy his life to the full. Though he must always remember that he is the Earl of Merton and strive to be worthy of the position. Stephen told me all about it. And then the very next day Lord Lyngate also suggested to him that he go back home. Stephen admires and respects them both enormously.
Is it not a shame that they hate each other?' 'Yes,' Vanessa said with another sigh.
Would she ever understand Constantine? It was so much more comfortable to be able to divide people into heroes and villains and expect them to play their allotted part. What happened when someone fit into both categories?
But it was one of those unanswerable questions with which life abounded. 'It is time to go,' she said, getting to her feet and hugging her sister when she scrambled off the bed. 'Elliott will be waiting for me. We will be back within a week or ten days. Do enjoy yourself until then, Kate. I will miss you.' 'And I you,' Katherine said, clinging to her for a moment. 'I often think of that day when Tom Hubbard brought word to the school that there was a viscount staying at the inn in Throckbridge and I hurried home to tell you and Meg and to speculate on why he was there. And then we went to the assembly and he danced only with you. And the next day he came to the cottage to change all our lives. I sometimes wish none of it had happened, Nessie, but life cannot be held back from taking its course, can it? And everything has certainly turned out happily for you.' 'It has,' Vanessa agreed. 'And sometimes I am not sorry at all,' Katherine said. 'Sometimes I think that this new life will turn out happily for /all /of us if we just have the courage to grasp what it offers.' Vanessa smiled at her. 'Of course it will,' she said, thinking rather sadly of Meg. 'That is what life is for.' She linked her arm through Katherine's as they descended the stairs to the waiting carriage.
It had not really been necessary to come into the country in person in the middle of the Season, Elliott soon discovered. Merton was cheerfully resigned to returning and immersing himself in his various studies. And his eldest sister was quite capable of seeing that his attention did not stray too far from duty. Samson and the butler and housekeeper between them had kept house and estate running smoothly, and both tutors were eager to take their pupil in hand again.
But perhaps duty to his position as guardian of the boy had been only an excuse. It was not that he did not enjoy being in London for the Season.
Or that he did not enjoy being there with Vanessa. But he had kept remembering the few days following their wedding - their honeymoon as she had once called it - with some nostalgia. They could not have stayed longer at the dower house - duty had called them to London. But he would have /liked /to stay longer.
A man ought to be allowed to spend sufficient time alone with his bride to get to know her thoroughly, to become comfortable with her, to enjoy himself with her.
To fall in love with her.
It was perhaps unwise to try to recapture the magic of those days.
It was /probably /unwise.
