?No. There are some things we don?t ask. It?s an unspoken rule, sort of a tacit agreement down here.?
Again there was a long silence while we both weighed what she?d said. I watched a cyclist pass along the sidewalk, pedaling with unhurried strokes. His helmet seemed to pulsate, blinking on as he passed beneath a streetlamp, then off as he moved back into darkness. He crossed my field of vision then disappeared slowly into the night, a firefly signaling his passage. On. Off. On. Off.
I thought about what she?d said, wondering if I was to blame. Had I set her fears in motion by talking about my own, or had she actually encountered a psychopath? Was she amplifying a set of harmless coincidences, or was she truly in jeopardy? Should I let things ride for a while? Should I do something? Was this a police matter? I was running through my old, practiced loop.
We sat for some time, listening to the sounds of the park and smelling the soft summer night, each of us drifting alone in separate reflections. The quiet interlude had a calming effect. Eventually Gabby shook her head, dropped the briefcase to her lap, and leaned back in the seat. Though her features were obscured, the change in her was visible. When she spoke, her voice was stronger, less shaky.
?I know I?m overreacting. He?s just some harmless weirdo who wants to rattle my cage. And I?m playing into his game. I?m letting this fuckhead grab my mind and shake me.?
?Don?t you run across a lot of ?weirdos,? as you call him??
?Yeah. Most of my informants aren?t exactly the Brooks Brothers crowd.? She gave a short, mirthless laugh.
?What makes you think this guy may be different?
She thought about it, worrying a thumbnail with her teeth.
?Ah, it?s hard to put into words. There?s just a-a line that divides the crackpots from the real predators. It?s hard to define, but ya know when it?s been crossed. Maybe it?s an instinct I?ve picked up down there. In the business, if a woman feels threatened by someone, she won?t go with him. Each one has her own little triggering devices, but they all draw that line on something. Could be eyes, could be some odd request. H #233;l #232;ne won?t go with anyone who wears cowboy boots.?
She took another time-out to debate with herself.
?I think I just got carried away by all the talk about serial killers and sexual devos.?
More introspection. I tried to steal a look at my watch.
?All this guy is trying to do is shock me.?
Another pause. She was talking herself down.
?What an asshole.?
Or up. Her voice was growing angrier by the minute.
?Goddammit, Tempe, I?m not going to let this turd get his rocks off sniveling trash and showing me his sick pictures. I?m going to tell him to blow it out his ass.?
She turned and put her hand on mine.
?I?m so sorry I dragged you down here tonight. I am such a jerk! Will ya forgive me??
I stared mutely at her. Again, her emotional U-turn had taken me by surprise. How could she be terrified, analytical, angry, then apologetic all within the space of thirty minutes? I was too tired, and it was too late at night to sort it out.
?Gabby, it?s late. Let?s talk about this tomorrow. Of course I?m not mad. I?m just glad you?re all right. I meant it about staying at my place. You?re always welcome.?
She leaned over and hugged me. ?Thanks, but I?ll be fine. I?ll call ya. I promise.?
I watched her climb the stairs, her skirt floating like mist around her. In an instant she disappeared through the purple doorway, leaving the space between us empty and undisturbed. I sat alone, surrounded by the dark and the faint scent of sandalwood. Though nothing stirred, a momentary chill gripped my heart. Like a shadow, it flickered and was gone.
All the way home my mind was at warp speed. Was Gabby constructing another melodrama? Was she genuinely in danger? Were there things she wasn?t telling me? Could this man be truly dangerous? Was she nurturing the seeds of paranoia planted by my talk of murder? Should I tell the police?
I refused to allow my concern for Gabby?s safety to overpower me. When I got home, I resorted to a childhood ritual that works when I?m tense or overwrought: I ran a hot bath and filled it with herbal salts. I put a Chris Rea CD on full volume, and, as I soaked, he sang to me of the road to hell. The neighbors would have to survive. After my bath, I tried Katy?s number, but, once again, got her machine. Then I shared milk and cookies with Birdie, who preferred the milk, left the dishes on the counter, and crawled into bed.
My anxiety was not completely dissipated. Sleep didn?t come easily, and I lay in bed for some time, watching the shadows on the ceiling, and fighting the impulse to call Pete. I hated myself for needing him at such times, for craving his strength whenever I felt upset. It was one ritual I?d vowed to break.
Eventually sleep took me down like a whirlpool, swirling all thoughts of Pete, and Katy, and Gabby, and the murders from my consciousness. It was a good thing. It?s what got me through the following day.
8
I SLEPT SOUNDLY UNTIL NINE-FIFTEEN THE NEXT MORNING. I?M NOT usually a napper, but it was Friday, June 24, St. Jean Baptiste Day,
The day was bright and vivid, the world displayed on active matrix. Objects and their shadows stood out in sharp detail, the colors of brick and wood, metal and paint, grass and flowers screaming out their separate places on the spectrum. The sky was dazzling and absolutely intolerant of clouds, reminding me of the robin?s egg blue on the holy cards of my childhood, the same outrageous blue. I was certain St. Jean would have approved.
The morning air felt warm and soft, perfect with the smell of window box petunias. The temperature had climbed gradually but persistently over the past week, with each day?s high surpassing its predecessor. Today?s forecast: thirty-two degrees Celsius. I did a quick conversion: about eighty-nine degrees Fahrenheit. Since Montreal is built on an island, the surrounding moat of the St. Lawrence ensures constant humidity. Yahoo! It would be a Carolina day: hot and humid. Bred in the South, I love it.
I purchased
I thought about the parade and the concerts to follow at Parc Maisonneuve, about the sweat and the beer that would flow, and about the political rift that divided the people of Quebec. With a fall election due, passions were high, and those pushing for separation were hoping fervently that this would be the year. T-shirts and placards already clamored:
Arriving home, I poured myself a coffee, mixed a bowl of M #252;eslix, and spread the paper on the dining room table. I am a news junkie. While I can go several days without a newspaper, contenting myself with a regular series of eleven o?clock TV fixes, before long I have to have the written word. When traveling, I locate CNN first, then unpack. I make it through the hectic days of the work week, distracted by the demands of teaching or casework, soothed by the familiar voices of ?Morning Edition? and ?All Things Considered,? knowing that on the weekend I will catch up.
I cannot drink, loathe cigarette smoke, and was logging a lean year for sex, so Saturday mornings I reveled in journalistic orgies, allowing myself hours to devour the tiniest minutiae. It isn?t that there?s anything new in the news. There isn?t. I know that. It?s like balls in a Bingo hopper. The same events keep coming up over and over. Earthquake. Coup d? #233;tat. Trade war. Hostage taking. My compulsion is to know which balls are up on any given day.
