THE INFORMATION

Westway and its speed checks and electric eyes, and come on down over Windsor Court, and moved past night porter and night camera and tracked the cable to the apartment-to the Club World-of Steve Cousins …

'I have no words for him,' said Steve. 'As for him, I have no words.'

He sat naked in his black leather chair, finding out what he wanted to hurt. He was conducing surveillance on pornography, which was itself surveillance on the act of love. He was watching others watching others. And it was all up in the air: because if what you were seeing didn't remind you of something, then you really shouldn't be watching it. You really shouldn't be watching.

Pornography, which could wear down the brake linings, releasing you forward . . .

This was so important to him: that he chose to do what he did. Others thought they had chosen-chosen, for instance, a life of crime-just by the hangdog repetition of a hangdog cliche. 'You're on your own in this world.' 'Nobody's going to look out for you in this life'-in this life of crime. But they didn't choose it. It chose them.

What you never wanted to do was fit the profile. You never wanted to be put together like that. No, he wasn't abused by his father. Yes, he had tortured animals as a child. No, he was not in the habit of recording his illicit actions on camera or camcorder. Lifelong hypochondriac: yes. Latent homosexual: no. Stay clear of the profile and work from left field. Left field: the obstetrics nurse who takes to smothering newborns; the millionaire who sends his daughter's ear to the house of the known kidnapper.

Although he believed it contained the information he sought, Steve hadn't found it in pornography. Pornography of the visible spectrum: the red, orange, yellow, the green, the blue, indigo, violet. Boy-and-girl or girl-and-girl and boy-and-boy: this hadn't told him what he wanted to hurt. But tonight he found it. He was ready.

And it came from nowhere-from left field. He wasn't one of those people who watched things and then went out and did them.

Steve sat there naked on the black armchair. Unfolding before his eyes was something completely average. American, hard-core but heavily and vandalously edited. Called?… Called Test Tube Babes. According to the story, the women in it were one minute old. Made by the men, scientists: to their own specifications. They mixed the DNA in a test tube. Then under the microwave or whatever. And then they were born. Withbig hair and big jewelry, tattooed and tit- jobbed, ankle-chained and nipple-ringed-and one minute old. The inter-sex sections were meant to be funny. Reminding whoever was watching that the people in pornography had no sense of humor. It was a necessary condition. Absolutely everyone in pornography was absolutely humorless. Steve never quite got this.

Test Tube Babes. He was about four fucks in when it happened. Scientists and scientist's creation: they're on the lab floor, just finishing up. And a kitten wanders in. They're on the floor, covered in sweat, and a kitten wanders in. Actor smiled, and actress smiled back: the kind of smiles that expressed full confidence of mutual forgiveness. And the kitten (ginger. Do they call it tortoiseshell?) just tiptoes in between them, curiously, with one back paw raised in exquisite tentativeness-having no idea, being an animal, of the prevailing reality. The ergonomic reality. And Steve knew what he wanted to hurt.

It made him do something he couldn't remember having done before-maybe he'd done it long ago, when he was one minute old. He tried to cry. Kittens taken from the newborn litter and kept all alone are immune to the pain of fire and will stand there with their whiskers crackling as the flames come ever nearer. He didn't have the lungs, he didn't have the ducts; the cobbled muscles of his naked belly-each of them hardened and bulged. But it didn't work out.

What he wanted to hurt had something to do with himself. Not himself now. But himself. Himself then.

He raised a hand to his eyes. 'They're doing me all over the gaff,' he said, just to delay it a moment or two. 'They're doing me all over the gaff,' he said, just to buy a little time.

It was spring: the season of comedy.

In comedy, in the end, all is forgiven. All obstacles are surmounted, all misunderstandings resolved. Everyone is gathered into the festive conclusion. Warped schemers, incorrigible pedants: they are banished. And everyone attends the nuptials of hope.

But we haven't had much luck with our seasons. Not yet, anyway. We did satire in summer, and comedy in autumn, and romance in winter.

And this was spring. The season of comedy.

But comedy has two opposites; and tragedy, fortunately, is only one of them. Never fear. You are in safe hands. Decorum will be strictly observed.

Marco Tull hurried down the Portobello Road, hand in hand with Lizzete. Unless he was being directly entertained, Marco, on the street, always wore a leer of settled skepticism. You could see his two-sized upper teeth, anxiously yet resignedly bared. He didn't seem frightened so much as overloaded: too many lines of inquiry, too many sense impressions, too many narratives to pursue and complete. Today was Friday: the end of a week of mild illness. Lizzete's pace was brisk. To keep up, Marco didn't jog or trot but walked and ran, walked and ran.

They approached PriceSlash. This was the first shop Lizzete aimed to visit. Gina had called her up the night before. Friday was her day off and she wanted a little peace: a working mum. She offered Lizzete the usual truancy bonus as well as the flat rate for three hours with Marco. But Lizzete was planning to play hooky anyhow, and get some shopping done.The truancy bonus she had fair-mindedly waived. She looked down at him. He looked up at her. She said, 'All right? You've got a Megabar coming your way.' 13 was watching them from the confines of the orange van, which was currently impeding access to Lancaster Road. He looked completely sick. Not like he looked after a night at the Paradox or on the M25. Being black, he couldn't look green, or gray, or white as a ghost. He just looked completely sick.

'PriceSlash is it.'

Steve Cousins said, 'There's this mouse driving through the jungle in his Porsche. Hears this cry of Help! and pulls up by this pit. Gets out of the Porsche, looks down-there's this fucking great gorilla. Trapped in this pit. 'I'm trapped, mate. Can you help me out?'

'So the mouse grabs a-grabs this vine. He slings one end down the pit and ties the other to the tow-hook on his Porsche. 'Hold on tight.' He jumps in the Porsche and starts revving. And sure enough. Bit by bit … Hello? I said hello? Are you with me?'

'With the Porsche or whatever,' said 13. He looked completely sick.

' 'Thanks a million, mate,' says the gorilla. 'I'll do the same for you one day. Shake.'… Five years later the gorilla is walking through the- through the prairie. And he hears this little cry. Help! Help! There's this pit. He looks down. It's the mouse! 'Where's the Porsche? Don't worry. We'll soon have you out of there.' And the mouse goes, 'How, mate? There's no vines round here.' And the gorilla says, 'It's okay. I'll use me cock.' So he slings his cock down the pit and the mouse scampers up it. And he's free.'

Steve waited. He said, 'Don't you want to hear the moral?'

'Uh?'

'And the moral of the story is: If you've got a big cock, you don't need a Porsche. Park in Basing Street. In the garage that went bust. Do it.'

Marco's father was fifty yards away, in Kensington Park Road. He shook his glass like a maraca at the waiter and said, to Rory Plantagenet,

'Stumbling on Melons, by Thad Green. It came in a plain brown envelope. London postmark. No covering letter. Copyright 1954. I didn't even look at it for a couple of days. And when I did I just thought wow.'

'I can't understand,' said Rory, 'why they put us downstairs.'

'Plot, characters, location. He's changed some of the names of course. There are whole pages that are word for word.'

'It's too dark down here. And there's a kind of pissoir smell. Can you smell it?