forgotten. It didn’t matter that he was from out of town. She glanced his way, he glanced back, and their eyes kept meeting for the next forty minutes before he finally came over and said hello.
Who can explain what happened next? Hormones? Loneliness? The mood of the hour? Either way, they left the party a little after eleven, had drinks in the hotel bar while entertaining each other with snappy anecdotes, flirted with an eye toward what might happen next, and ended up in bed. It was the first and last time she ever saw him. He went back to New York, back to his own life. Back, she suspected even then, to a girlfriend he’d neglected to mention. And she went back to her life.
At the time, it didn’t seem to mean much; a month later, while sitting on the bathroom floor one Tuesday morning, her arm around the commode, it meant a whole lot more. She went to the doctor, who confirmed what she already knew.
She was pregnant.
She called Brett on the phone, reached his answering machine, and left a message to call; three days later he finally did. He listened, then sighed with what sounded like exasperation. He offered to pay for the abortion. As a Catholic, she said it wasn’t going to happen. Angered, he questioned why this had happened. I think you already know the answer to that, she answered. He asked if she was sure the baby was his. She closed her eyes, calming herself, not rising to the bait. Yes, it was his. Again he offered to pay for an abortion. Again she said no. What did she want him to do? he asked her. She said she didn’t want anything, she just thought he should know. He would fight if she demanded child support payments, he said. She said she didn’t expect that from him, but she needed to know if he wanted to be involved in the child’s life. She listened to the sound of his breaths on the other end. No, he finally said. He was engaged to someone else.
She’d never spoken to him again.
In truth, it was easier to defend Kyle to a doctor than it was to herself. In truth, she was more worried than she let on. Even though he’d improved, the language ability of a two-year-old wasn’t much to cheer about. Kyle would be five in October.
Still, she refused to give up on him. She would never give up, even though working with him was the hardest thing she’d ever done. Not only did she do the regular things-make his meals, take him to parks, play with him in the living room, show him new places-but she also drilled him on the mechanics of speech for four hours a day, six days a week. His progression, though undeniable since she’d begun with him, was hardly linear. Some days he said everything she asked him to, some days he didn’t. Some days he could comprehend new things easily, other days he seemed further behind than ever. Most of the time he could answer “what” and “where” type questions; “how” and “why” questions were still incomprehensible. As for conversation, the flow of reason between two individuals, it was still nothing but a scientific hypothesis, far beyond his ability.
Yesterday they’d spent the afternoon on the banks of the Chowan River. He enjoyed watching the boats as they cut through the water on the way to Batchelor Bay, and it provided a change from his normal routine. Usually, when they worked, he was strapped in a chair in the living room. The chair helped him focus.
She’d picked a beautiful spot. Mockernut hickory trees lined the banks, Christmas ferns were more common than mosquitoes. They were sitting in a clover patch, just the two of them. Kyle was staring at the water. Denise carefully logged his progress in a notebook and finished jotting down the latest information. Without looking up, she asked: “Do you see any boats, sweetie?”
Kyle didn’t answer. Instead he lifted a tiny jet in the air, pretending to make it fly. One eye was closed, the other was focused on the toy in his hand.
“Kyle, honey, do you see any boats?”
He made a tiny, rushing sound with his throat, the sounds of a make-believe engine surging in throttle. He wasn’t paying attention to her.
She looked out over the water. No boats in sight. She reached over and touched his hand, making sure she had his attention.
“Kyle? Say, ‘I don’t see any boats.’ ”
“Airplane.” (Owpwane)
“I know it’s an airplane. Say, ‘I don’t see any boats.’ ”
He raised the toy a little higher, one eye still focused on it. After a moment he spoke again.
“Jet airplane.” (Jet owpwane)
“Yes, you’re holding an airplane.”
“Jet airplane.” (Jet owpwane)
She sighed. “Yes, a jet airplane.”
“Owpwane.”
She looked at his face, so perfect, so beautiful, so normal looking. She used her finger to turn his face toward hers.
“Even though we’re outside, we still have to work, okay? . . . You have to say what I tell you to, or we go back to the living room, to your chair. You don’t want to do that, do you?”
Kyle didn’t like his chair. Once strapped in, he couldn’t get away, and no child-Kyle included-enjoyed something like that. Still, Kyle moved the toy airplane back and forth with measured concentration, keeping it aligned with an imaginary horizon.
Denise tried again.
“Say, ‘I don’t see any boats.’ ”
Nothing.
She pulled a tiny piece of candy from her coat pocket.
Kyle saw it and reached for it. She kept it out of his grasp.
“Kyle? Say, ‘I don’t see any boats.’ ”
It was like pulling teeth, but the words finally came out.
He whispered, “I don’t see any boats.” (Duh see a-ee boat)
Denise leaned in and kissed him, then gave him the candy. “That’s right, honey, that’s right. Good talking! You’re such a good talker!”
Kyle took in her praise while he ate the candy, then focused on the toy again.
Denise jotted his words in her notebook and went on with the lesson. She glanced upward, thinking of something he hadn’t said that day.
“Kyle, say, ‘The sky is blue.’ ”
After a beat:
“Owpwane.”
In the car again, now twenty minutes from home. In the back she heard Kyle fidget in his seat, and she glanced in the rearview mirror. The sounds in the car soon quieted, and she was careful not to make any noise until she was sure he was sleeping again.
Kyle.
Yesterday was typical of her life with him. A step forward, a step backward, two steps to the side, always a struggle. He was better than he once had been, yet he was still too far behind. Would he ever catch up?
Outside, dark clouds spanned the sky above, rain fell steadily. In the backseat Kyle was dreaming, his eyelids twitching. She wondered what his dreams were like. Were they devoid of sound, a silent film running through his head, nothing more than pictures of rocket ships and jets blazing across the sky? Or did he dream using the few words he knew? She didn’t know. Sometimes, when she sat with him as he lay sleeping in his bed, she liked to imagine that in his dreams he lived in a world where everyone understood him, where the language was real- maybe not English, but something that made sense to him. She hoped he dreamed of playing with other children, children who responded to him, children who didn’t shy away because he didn’t speak. In his dreams, she hoped he was happy. God could at least do that much, couldn’t he?
Now, driving along a quiet highway, she was alone. With Kyle in the back, she was still alone. She hadn’t chosen this life; it was the only life offered to her. It could have been worse, of course, and she did her best to keep this perspective. But most of the time, it wasn’t easy.
Would Kyle have had these problems if his father were around? In her heart she wasn’t exactly sure, but she didn’t want to think so. She’d once asked one of Kyle’s doctors about it, and he’d said he didn’t know. An honest answer-one that she’d expected-but she’d had trouble sleeping for a week afterward. Because the doctor hadn’t simply dismissed the notion, it took root in her mind. Had she somehow been responsible for all of Kyle’s
