still friends, but I don't think they ever talked much.» Randy added, «Hey, kids, I have an idea. I won't tell the cops that you were here if you don't tell them you were here, either.»
«Deal,» said John.
Randy's face changed like still water brushed by a breeze. «Wait …» He looked at John with a degree of calculation. «Maybe there
«What was wrong with me?» John was taken back.
«Well,» said Randy, «I recently heard that you were suffering from Jeep's syndrome.»
«Oh jeez,» said John, «that's one of those bloody Internet rumors. Who starts those things?»
«What's Jeep's syndrome?» asked Ryan.
Vanessa said, «It's when an ingrown hair follicle above the anus becomes infected, causing a massive buildup of waste fluids, requiring a surgical excision and drainage. The most famous sufferer was English pop star Roddy Llewellyn, who once dated Princess Margaret.»
«Did we
«Ryan
Randy handed John the envelope. «You should find this interesting.» He closed the door.
A minute later they were back in the car. John was agitated, mad at himself for not having better strategized the encounter. «Shit, that guy's bailing town somewhere and he's our only clue. He could have
«It's a script: “Scratch 'n' Win,” by Randy Hexum.»
«Shit — a script.» He slammed the steering wheel.
Vanessa said, «I have another clue,» but at that exact moment Ryan locked bumpers with a car identical to John's own — same color, same year — and their car was hobbled onto the other like animals in heat. «Oh
Chapter Twenty-four
One night back in 1986, Susan came within an eyelash of being introduced to John Johnson at a party Larry Mortimer had thrown. Larry was eager to showcase Susan and to network her with as many people as possible.
For some reason there was a giraffe at the party. Susan heard somebody ask why, and someone else replied it was to help plug a disastrously overbudget chimp comedy that had tanked that weekend on 1,420 screens across North America. Susan was standing with people from Johnny Carson's production company. It was then that she noticed John speaking with that toilet-mouthed lady from Disney — Alice? — something about an Oxford don and a punt — and Susan deemed John dateworthy, and that he would be even more so once he had a few years to …
Susan turned to the speaker who was, according to the framed photos on Larry's desk, Larry's wife, Jenna Mortimer, lovely, with hair like spun black glass, baby-doll features, dressed in a black chiffon evening dress that featured the linebacker shoulder pads of the era. This look, combined with a flash of teeth, created an aggressive posture.
«Hello — Jenna — Mrs. Mortimer. Hello.»
«It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Susan.»
«Oh — nice for me, too. How did we ever get this far without being introduced? Shouldn't Larry have done this, like, an hour ago at the very least?»
«Cuckoo, isn't it?» said Jenna. «Larry can be so forgetful. Such a business this is.»
«Larry's always talking about you.»
«I'm sure he is.» She motioned toward a buffet table. «Have you had something to eat?» She was making it clear that she was the hostess. Susan was overeager to sound like an appreciative guest and she blurted out a dumb lie: «Yes, I had some cheese.»
«But I'm not serving any cheese.»
Susan was flustered.
«Is your mother here?» asked Jenna, knowing full well that Susan lived on Larry's Kelton Street property. The truth was that at that exact moment Marilyn was scouring the streets of Encino hoping to find Don's car, hoping to find Don inside a bar with a slut, knowing there was a far greater likelihood of simply finding Don with a bottle, which was somehow worse.
«No. It's a lovely party. Really beautifully done.» Susan felt mature using the words «beautifully done.» It was the way she thought rich people spoke.
Jenna looked around. «It is, isn't it?»
«And the giraffe!»
«The
«An old show dog trick. Miss USA Teen, 1985.»
«Miss Nevada, 1971.»
«No!» Susan smiled. «What a racket, huh?» She found herself beginning to like Jenna.
«Oh yes. The
«I always thought the good thing about being Miss Wyoming was that I'd get to go last when they called out the states. You know, the letter
«Did you ever win Miss Congeniality?» asked Jenna.
«Me? Never. I should have won Miss Why Am I Here?»
«I
«Did you?» Susan was curious.
«Those nuns. Catholic school. They nabbed me when I was young.»
«I didn't go to religious school. We're hillbillies in our family.»
«The thing about Catholic school is that they manage to make you put a smile on absolutely anything.»
«Yeah?»
Susan now understood where Jenna was working the conversation.
Larry saw the two women talking and bolted their way. «Jenna! Susan! I've been waiting for the special moment to introduce you.»
«No doubt you have,» said Jenna.
«Larry,» said Susan. «I didn't know that Jenna used to be a show dog, too.
Jenna said, «It was actually me who put Larry onto you. I read about you throwing your crown back in their faces. I wanted to send you a box of roses and a trophy. I figured it'd take a personality like a freight train to pull off a coup like that.»
«You ought to meet my mother, the locomotive.»
Larry wanted to get the two women apart. «Susan,» he said, «I want you to meet this producer named Colin. He's from England, but he's still useful to us over here. Jenna, can I steal usan away from you?»
«I have a choice?»
Larry flashed teeth and escorted Susan toward the patio doors. Susan called back, «Bye, Jenna — nice to
