Ender reached out and touched her hand, hooked it lightly in his fingers. He knew even as he did it that he shouldn't. Yet the desire to do it was almost overwhelming, and a part of him said, There's no danger in this. Touching hands? People do it all the time.
Yes, and they do other things all the time, another part of his mind said.
Shut up, said the part that liked touching Alessandra.
What if this did go according to Alessandra's script — or her mother's. Were there worse fates? He was coming to a colony world. Colonies were all about reproduction. He liked this girl. There wasn't going to be a huge pool of girls to choose from in the colony; there were few his age among the passengers in stasis, so it would be mostly the girls born on Shakespeare that he would have to choose from, and they would be — not from Earth.
While he argued with himself, she held his hand more tightly and moved closer to him. Beside him. Now he could feel her warmth — or imagined he could. Now her body touched his upper arm; now her other hand, the one he was not holding, stroked his hair. Now she brought his hand up to her chest. Pressed the back of his hand, not to her breast — that would be too obvious — but to her chest, where her heart was beating. Or was that his own pulse he felt pounding in his hand?
'On this voyage I've come to know you,' she whispered. 'Not the famous boy who saved the world, but this teenager, this young man of about my own age, so careful, so thoughtful of other people, so patient with them. With me, with my mother. You think I haven't seen that? Never wanting to hurt anyone, never wanting to offend, but never letting anyone come close, either, except your sister. Is that your future, Ender? You and your sister, in a circle that lets no one else inside?'
Yes, thought Ender. That's what I decided. When Valentine showed up, I thought: Yes, I can let her in. I can trust this one person.
I can't trust you, Alessandra, thought Ender. You're here in service of someone else's plans. Maybe you mean what you're saying, maybe you're sincere. But you're also being used. You are a weapon aimed at my heart. Someone dressed you today. Someone told you what to do, and how to do it. Or if you really know all this yourself, then you're too much for me. I'm too caught up in this. I want too much for it to go forward as you seem to be offering.
I will not let this go on, thought Ender.
But even with that decision, he couldn't just leap to his feet and say, Get thee hence, temptress, like Joseph did with Potiphar's wife. He would have to make her want to stop, so that it would never seem to Admiral Morgan that he refused her. Morgan would certainly watch the playback of this. On the eve of his own marriage, Morgan could not see Ender absolutely refuse Alessandra.
'Alessandra,' said Ender, speaking just as softly as she was. 'Do you really want to live your mother's life?'
For the first time, Alessandra hesitated, uncertain.
Ender took his hand back, leaned on the chair's armrests, rose to his feet. He reached for her, gathered her into an embrace, and decided that for this to work, he would need to kiss her.
So he did. He was not good at it. To his relief, neither was she. It was awkward, they missed each other a little and had to re-center, and neither of them knew what they were actually supposed to do. Oddly enough, this kiss broke the mood and when they were done with it, they both laughed. 'There,' said Ender. 'We've done it. Our first kiss. My first kiss, of anyone, ever.'
'Mine too,' she said. 'The first one I've even wanted.'
'We could go farther,' said Ender. 'We're both equipped for it — we make a complete matching set, I'm sure.'
She laughed again. That's right, thought Ender. Laughing is the right mood, not the other.
'I meant what I said, about your mother,' said Ender. 'She did this, right at your age. Conceived you when she was fourteen, you were born when she was fifteen. The age you are now. And she married the boy, yes?'
'And it was wonderful,' said Alessandra. 'Mother told me, so many times, how happy she was with him. How good it was. How much they both loved me.'
Of course your mother said that, thought Ender. She's a good person, she wouldn't want to tell you what a nightmare it was, being fifteen and having so much responsibility.
But maybe it was good, said another part of his mind. The part that was keenly aware that their bodies were still pressed together, that his fingers were pressing gently against the back of her shirt, moving slightly, caressing the skin and body under the cloth.
'Your mother was under the domination of someone stronger than her,' said Ender. 'Your grandmother. She wanted to get free.'
That did it. Alessandra pulled away from him. 'What are you saying? What do you know about my grandmother?'
'Only what your mother told me herself,' said Ender. 'In front of you.'
He could see on her face that she remembered, and the flash of anger subsided. But she did not come back into his embrace. Nor did he invite her to. He thought more clearly when she was standing a half-meter away. A meter would be even better.
'My mother isn't anything like my grandmother,' said Alessandra.
'Of course not,' said Ender. 'But the two of you have lived together your whole life. Very close all the time.'
'I'm not trying to get away from her,' said Alessandra. 'I wouldn't use you like that.' But her face showed something else. A recognition, perhaps, that she had been using him — that her whole visit to him was prompted by her mother.
'I was just thinking,' said Ender, 'that even the cheerful fairyland she likes to pretend she lives in —»
'When did you — ' she began, and then stopped herself, because of course Dorabella had done her queen- of-the-fairies bit several times, to the delight of the other colonists.
'I was thinking,' said Ender, 'that after such a long while, you might not want to spend the rest of your life in her fairyland. Maybe your world is better for you than her imaginary places. That's all I was thinking. She's made a lovely cocoon for you, but maybe you still want to break out of it and fly.'
Alessandra stood there, her hand to her mouth. Then tears came to her eyes. 'Per tutte sante,' she said. 'I was. doing what she wanted. I thought it was my own idea, but it was hers, it was. I wanted you to like me, I really did, that wasn't made up, but the idea of coming here. I wasn't getting away from her, I was obeying her.'
'You were?' Ender said, trying to act as if he hadn't already guessed.
'She told me just what to do, how far to. ' Alessandra started unbuttoning her blouse, tears flowing. She was wearing nothing under it. 'What you were going to see, what you could touch, but no more.»
Ender stepped to her, embraced her again, to stop her from unbuttoning any more. Because even in this emotional moment, there was a part of him that only cared about the blouse and what would be revealed, not about the girl who was doing it.
'You do care about me,' she said.
'Of course I do,' said Ender.
'More than she does,' she said. Her tears were dampening his shirt.
'Probably not,' said Ender.
'I wonder if she cares for me at all,' said Alessandra into his chest. 'I wonder if I've ever been anything more than her puppet, just the way she was Grandmother's. Maybe if Mother had stayed home and hadn't married and hadn't had me, Grandmother would have been full of fairyland and beauty — because she was getting her way.'
Perfect, thought Ender. Despite my own impulses, my biological distractibility, this has gone exactly right. Admiral Morgan would see that even though the sex angle didn't play according to script, Ender and Alessandra were still close, still bonding — whatever he wanted to read into it. The game was still on. Even if the romance was definitely on hold.
'The door to this room can't lock,' said Ender.
'I know,' she said.
'Someone might come in at any time.' He thought it was best not to point out that surveillance cameras were in every room, including most particularly this one, and someone could be watching them right now.
She took the hint, pulled away from him, rebuttoned her blouse. This time all the way up to where she
