The big over easy

“We’re moving shortly,” lied Jack. “Ashley, would you get Mr. Brown-Horrocks a cup of tea, please?”

He said this as Ashley appeared at the door, more to get him out of the way than anything else.

“What was that?”

“Constable Ashley. One of the NCD staff.”

“Is he all right? He looked… well, blue.”

“All Rambosians are blue, Mr. Brown-Horrocks. He’s an alien.”

“I’m terribly sorry,” said Brown-Horrocks. “There must be something wrong with my hearing. For a moment I thought you said he was an alien.”

“Is that a problem?”

Brown-Horrocks stared at Jack, reached into his jacket pocket for a pen and made a note on the clipboard. Jack tried to see what he was writing, but Brown-Horrocks leaned away from him so he couldn’t.

“Let me explain what my job is,” said the Guild man kindly.

“As I understand it, you have applied to join the Most Worshipful Guild of Detectives, and your application has been passed to the second stage: a practical demonstration of your skills as a detective and any other attributes that you can bring to the Guild to further enhance and illuminate the Guild’s good standing with the public and the publishers of Amazing Crime Stories. Now, I understand you have four failed marriages. Is this true?”

“Yes,” said Jack. He didn’t know what Madeleine had written on the application, so he was going to have to wing it.

“Your application also says you have a drinking problem and are something of a loner.”

“Yes. I drink to excess, and my family has abandoned me completely. I make do with short-term flings with totally unsuitable and very dangerous women.”

“Hmm,” said Brown-Horrocks, and made another note.

“That’s good, right?”

“Not really.”

“No, I meant for the application.”

“I can’t give anything away as regards my report, Inspector, and it would be very improper of you to ask.”

“Of course. Here’s your tea.”

Ashley placed the cup and the saucer on the desk and said.

“Sugar?”

“Two, please.”

Ashley looked embarrassed and glanced at Jack.

“That’s 10, Ashley. He’s a Rambosian,” explained Jack. “They only understand binary.”

“Only… understand… binary,” repeated Brown-Horrocks slowly, making a note.

“Yes,” replied Jack, trying to act as if it were entirely normal and not strange at all. “If we need something in, say, eight days’ time, we just tell Ashley it’s needed in 1,000 days. Aside from a few lapses in common sense brought on by cultural differences, as befits a visitor from eighteen light-years away, he’s a model officer.”

“By the way,” said Ashley, pointing at Brown-Horrocks’s tea, “they were out of milk, so I used emulsion paint.”

“See?”

“Yes,” said Brown-Horrocks slowly, making another note and staring at the alien curiously. “Tell me, Mr. Ashley, what’s it like being an alien?”

“Well, goodness,” he said, tapping one of his thumbs on his temple, “do you know, I’ve never really thought about it before.”

“Thank you, Ashley,” said Jack before any more damage was done. “Would you check my pigeonhole for any correspondence, please?”

Ashley got the message and beat a fast retreat.

“Anyway,” continued Brown-Horrocks, “I’ve got a copy of your interim report, so I have an idea what is going on, although, to be honest, I’m a little disappointed. Repeat interviews with prime suspects to eke out the information have not been undertaken, and two false confessions does seem to push it a bit. I think the second one could have been played down. In fact,” he added loftily, “I’ve never seen a more badly structured investigation. Did you not consider publication at all when you conducted it?”

“It’s a new technique,” replied Jack hastily, “experimental.”

“Well, I’ll try to keep an open mind,” Brown-Horrocks said in the manner of a man who won’t. “What do you plan to do today? Interview all the prime suspects and finger the murderer in a stunning turn of events that will challenge and surprise any potential readers?”

“Brown-Horrocks,” said Jack slowly, “this is a police investigation — not a mystery writers’ convention.”

Brown-Horrocks lowered his pen and stared at Jack. “You will find,” he said, attempting to keep his obvious dissatisfaction hidden, “that Guild members have many responsibilities. Not only to the victims of crime and the public in need of reassurance against a hostile and dangerous world but also to the publishers of Amazing Crime Stories and the rest of the entertainment business.”

Jack thought of telling him to take his clipboard and stuff it up his arse, but opportunities to join the Guild didn’t come around every day. Despite Chymes, he still wanted to join. The cash would help. And the kudos. And he might get a few convictions, too. He needed to defuse the situation — and fast.

“Is that tea all right?”

“It’s undrinkable.”

“Excellent. Ah, Mary,” he said with some relief. “Mary, I’d like you to meet Mr. Brown-Horrocks, who is from the Guild.”

“Oh!” said Mary, who understood the difficulties of the situation at a glance and panicked into saying the first thing that came into her head: “You’re very tall.”

“Why do people think I might not have noticed?” asked Brown-Horrocks with a trace of annoyance.

“No, it’s just that Jack has a reputation for killing — ”

“Thank you, Mary. DS Mary is my potential Official Sidekick and has a few interesting character traits of her own that would doubtless make good copy.”

“What are they?” asked Brown-Horrocks.

“Yes,” said Jack, looking at Mary expectantly. “What are they?”

“Well,” said Mary, thinking hard, “I live in a half-converted flying boat.”

“So does my uncle,” replied an unimpressed Brown-Horrocks.

Ashley returned, and Brown-Horrocks looked at him curiously. “What about you, Constable Ashley? Any strange character traits?”

“None at all,” replied the alien wistfully. “I enjoy car-spotting which is like train-spotting but with cars. I keep them in a book and swap the numbers with friends. I collect jam jars, beer mats, buttons, and I’m building a hyperspace-propulsion unit in my garage.”

“You’re right,” muttered Brown-Horrocks, “nothing odd there.”

“Good morning,” said Gretel as she walked in the door. “They gave me a violet security — Oh!”

“This is Constable Gretel Kandlestyk-Maeker,” announced Jack, “another member of our team.”

They shook hands. Brown-Horrocks stared at Gretel, and Gretel stared back. Being of greater-than-average height can sometimes be a lonely business.

“Six foot… three and a half?” asked Brown-Horrocks.

“Two and a quarter,” replied Gretel shyly. “It’s these boots.”

“Right,” said Jack, who was desperate to be anywhere but here. “I’m going to interview Lola Vavoom again to see if she can shed any light on Humpty’s new wife. Brown-Horrocks? I suppose you’ll stay here and await results?”

“Not at all,” he replied with a sigh. “I am here to observe you and your ‘experimental’ techniques whether I like it or not. Lead on.”