arrested him, and for a moment they stood there rigid a few feet apart, like people suddenly frozen by a spell.
'I didn't expect you tonight. I'm sorry. It was an absurd time to send a wire. I thought it wouldn't reach you till the morning.
'Ann, Ann, he said, 'I want you now. Forgive me. I want you now. Ann, what is it to be? The late hour, the half darkened room and Ann so close, pale and slim in the long robe, filled him with a frenzied certainty of desire.
'Ah no, she said. 'It's no use. That's what I called you to say.
He had somehow known this. It had come to him on the drive down, streaming like fog against the wire screen. But he said, 'No, I can't accept this, Ann. You don't mean what you say. You love me. Recognize it, have the courage of it, I beseech you. He spoke softly, abruptly.
'It's no use, she said again, turning from him and smoothing her hair.
'Is it — Miranda?
'No, no. It's Randall.
'Keeping the light burning — all that stuff', Well, yes.
'You perfect fool, he said, and he really wanted to shake her, 'Randall will never come back. That's all over, done for, for ever. And she ever hears you're sitting waiting for him he'll think you're doing it just to spite him. And you probably will be doing it just to spite him. Let him go, Ann, for God's sake let the poor devil go.
She Buttered away from him across the dead room and stood by the mantelpiece with her back to him. He saw her twisted face in the mirror before she covered it with her hand. 'It's hard to explain. It isn't exactly that I expect anything. I just can't stand the idea of Randall coming back to look for me and my not being there: 'Do you imagine Randall has any grain of love or affection left for you?
She said in a low voice after a moment's silence, 'Evidently.
It seemed dark in the room and the sense of midnight violence was still with them. Cold as he was at Ann's words, Felix still trembled with desire. The hour, his strength, the nearness of their bodies, made him feel that he could, he must, make her assent. He said, 'You're wrong. But never mind. Wait a while, and see what you think then. I've told you I'm in no hurry.
'If I can't say yes now I can't say yes at all: she said in a monotonous voice. 'How could I expect you to wait around? Randall could come back. I half thought tonight when I heard the car that it was him and not you. He could come back. That's the truth, and it's the decisive truth. She spoke heavily, mechanically, without looking at him.
Did she mean it, Felix wondered, was she perhaps trying him, wanting him to force her? He felt almost grim enough to push her struggling into the Mercedes. He said, to gain time, 'You really think he might come back? Aren't you being naive?
'I think he might. Miranda thinks so, much more. And she knows him.
'Oh, to hell with Miranda.
'You must go away, Felix, she intoned again.
He bit his lip and worked his jaw and realized from her expression as she now tunied to him that he must be scowling. He said, 'I admire and love you, Ann, but there are moments when I wonder whether you aren't just a muddled sentimental ass.
She looked at him with an austere sadness. Forgive me, Felix. I can't explain properly, but I'm quite sure. Oh, my darling, let us do this thing quickly. Her voice trembled.
Felix faltered. He knew very well how to deal with some women.
But he did not know how to deal with her. His very apprehension of the difference paralysed him. He wished he could force her now with a look or a gesture. 'I won't let you, he said.
Ann was staring at him desperately, her eyes full of pain and fright.
She said, after a moment of seeming to wait for him, 'I must, you see, give Randall the benefit of any doubt.
'Why is it Randall, Randall? Why don't you do what you want for once? Or have you forgotten how?
'Perhaps I have forgotten how, she said slowly. 'I don't in a way see myself I see him. It's not that I'm being unselfish. He just too much is.
'Don't you see me?
'Ah, she said. 'You. That's the trouble.
'You mean, he tried to read her face rather than her words, 'that I've become — with you — invisible? You can't see me — because I'm simply something that you want? He feared to put it too clearly. But that he should be so almost mechanically renounced with the renunciation of her own will seemed to him too cruel. He was to be destroyed, with her, by the sheer overbrimming existence of the absent Randall.
'How do I know what I want? she said most impatiently. 'It's not wanting things, it's denying things, that makes me so bad for people, that made me so bad for Randall, that would make me so bad for you.
'I don't understand you, he said, approaching her now. 'You couldn't be bad for anyone. You are good, and good cannot be bad. You speak so abstractly. Be natural with me, Ann. Let go, give way. And don't talk any more damn nonsense to me for Christ's sake. He towered over her.
'Don't, she said looking up at him, and her voice was timid, most querulous. 'I do what I have to do. Don't make it hard, Felix. I am bound to Randall, I am bound, don't you see?
He spread his hands as if to take her, but dropped them again. He wanted to seize her, to shake her to and fro. He wanted to hurl himself before her and bury his head with cries against her knees. He said quietly, 'Stop it, Ann.
'You must go away, Felix, she said in the same inert trembling tone. 'What will you do?
Felix felt pain and anger. He could not believe her. For a moment he almost wanted to hurt her. He said, 'Well, if I were to Jet you turn me off like this I suppose I should make some other arrangements. I certainly wouldn't mope. I should go to India. I suppose I should marry someone. I must get married soon or I shall dry up completely. But I intend to marry you, damn it.
'What about — Marie-Laure? said Ann. She receded from him now step by step toward the window.
'Well, what about Marie-Laure?
'You once said you'd show me a picture of her, said Ann. She was strained and white and small.
Why does she torment us both, thought Felix. 'Yes, he said with irritation. 'I've got one here. Would you like to see it? He fumbled in his pocket. Marie-Laure's letter was still there, and with it the photograph which he had slipped into the envelope some time ago. With a slight shock he glanced at the photo: the clever long-nosed girl with the narrow dark eyes and the great cascade of almost black hair. Marie-Laure. Mon beau Felix, souhaitez-vous vraiment me revoir? He handed it to Ann.
Ann took one look and began to cry.
'Oh, my God I' said Felix. He started to walk up and down the room.
'I'm sorry, she said, controlling herself and laying the photo down on the table. 'I didn't mean to inflict this on you.
'Look, Ann, said Felix, 'to the devil with Randall and Marie-Laure. They've got no business here. We're both tired and overstrained and it was lunatic of me to come so late at night. Go to bed now and in the morning we can talk again.
'No, no, said Ann, all tearful now, 'I couldn't bear it, Felix.
'You're not sending me away now?
She nodded mutely, gazing into her raised handkerchief, the tears still slowly falling.
'Ann, said Felix, 'do you love me?
She was silent, and then still staring at the handkerchief said in a dull hoarse voice, 'Yes. But not enough I suppose. Or not in the right way.
Felix went cold and rigid. He said stiffly, 'Well, why didn't you say so at once? This makes everything much simpler. Of course I shall go. But you should have told me sooner.
'Ah, I don't mean that! she said, raising her head, and her face was wild with some appeal. 'I don't mean that. I do love you. God knows I love you. But I can't see my way out. I'm still too involved with Randall. He's too real. I don't understand it myself. But I do love you. Oh Felix, I'm wretched, help me, help me! Her voice ended in a high-pitched wail. She sobbed for a moment and then was quite still, her hands hanging at her sides, the tears coming.
