Caught Stealing

I have to rattle the lock to get it open and then the bolt sticks, but finally there we are, looking into a fifteen-by-fifteen cubicle with a huge black hockey bag sitting in the exact middle of the floor. I lead Russ in, turn on the fluorescent light, shut the door behind us, go over and unzip the bag.

When Roman told me they were all looking for an “object,” I had visions of jewel-encrusted black birds, little gold statuettes, or the Ark of the Covenant. Apparently, what he meant to say was that they were all looking for a bag stuffed full with bundles and bundles and bundles of cash.

I stare at all the twenties and fifties and hundreds and Russ gestures at the room.

– I could have gotten the five-by-five unit for cheaper, but I wanted the bigger one so I’d, like, have more room to count it in.

Russ counts the twenties and fifties while I handle the hundreds and it’s a good thing he got the extra floor space because once we start spreading out all this cash, it takes up a lot of fucking room. It’s the kind of money that makes a man stupid, very stupid. Russ, for instance, has been very stupid.

He met Ed and Paris at the youth camp in Montana.

– We hit it off, me and Ed and Paris,cuz we were all, like, into comic books, like, theX- Men andFantastic Four and theAvengers and shit. We got to go into town every now and then on, like, weekends and I was good at boosting stuff, so I’d, like, boost all these comics and share ’em with Ed and Paris. That shit, those comic books, they’re just more fun when you can talk to someone about ’em, so me and Ed and Paris, like, talked comics. We were all due to go home about the same time and we figured to hook up,cuz I was, like, planning a move to the city. But, like, one of the counselor guys, he took a shine to Ed and tried to, like, get over with him, like, tried to rape him and all and Ed and Paris cut his throat, so they ended up getting shipped out to do real time.

I hit five hundred thousand dollars and stop counting for a minute. The pile of uncounted money is still huge.

– Anyways, I went home, but, like, I kept sending comics to themcuz I felt sorry for ’em in thejuvie facility when all they fucking did was kill a fucking, like, child-molestingraper. We were, what, like twelve or thirteen when it all went down and they didn’t come back for a while until they were eighteen and by then they had gotten all into the weights and had studied and gotten their high school diplomas. But they were really grateful I had, like, stayed in touch and sent them the comics and shit. Their mom had written them off after they sliced the counselor guy, so they didn’t really have, like, a home anymore and I had a flop in Spanish Harlem. So they came and stayed with me.

At first I tried to count all the bills, but now I just rifle each pack to make sure they’re all hundreds, assume it’s a full ten grand and stack them up. I put another one on the stack and I take a break and chew a piece of Big Red while Russ talks and stacks the smaller bills.

– By that time, I was already boosting stuff pretty much left and right.Mmm. I was, like, into a little B and E, but mostly it was real harmless stuff. But Ed and Paris, they had, like, they had, like, got a higher education doing that hardjuvie time. They were, like, right into the strong-arm stuff: mugging, a little muscle for the loan sharks, carjacking, some hijacking, like, liquor and cigs and stuff. Then they moved into armed robbery.Mmm.

Little pauses start creeping into Russ’s story. From time to time, his eyes fuzz out for a moment then he shakes his head, gives a little “mmm,” and gets back on track. He’s still stacking bills, but he’s starting to have trouble keeping them in the right piles. I move over and begin straightening things out. He nods a little thanks and I point at the wall. He leans back and continues his story.

– So they get picked up again, this time it’s a pretty heavy beef. They pistol-whipped the security guard at this, like, ATM place.Mmm. Uh, then they were so convicted, but get this: They’re getting transferred out of town fromRikers to upstate and, like, the van they’re in, this is in winter, it slides on a patch of ice and flips.Now, the deputies.Mmm. The deputies, they were, like, required by law to put seat belts on the prisoners, but they didn’t wear their own. So the van flips, the deputies go flying, both DOA, and Ed and Paris, they unbuckle and walk away with bruises.

I’ve got the bills restacked properly now and I stop for a second and stare at them. I think about car accidents and seat belts and, in my mind, Rich flies past me and through the windshield. I start counting again.

– So this, like, Good Samaritan stops to check out the wreck and Ed and Paris, they clock the dude, take his keys and cash and they’rerollin ’ back to the city, still in chains and coveralls. They show up at my place and we get them all squared away. They jack another car and blow town.Mmm. We’re all still basically kids at this point. It’s, like, ’89 or ’90 or so and we’re all, like, twenty or so. They cruise down south to Florida, where they end up doing wicked shit for these Cuban gangsters. Me.Mmm. Me, I just go along doing my thing, except I catch that acting bug, so I start taking, like, these classes and shit.The fucking New School. I did,ya know, I did, like, day player stuff onAs the World Turns for a while and some downtown theater stuff, too. Hey, man, did you know I was in a Richard Foreman play? No shit, took my clothes off. But, like, I still stole an’ shit. That was my day job.Mmm.

The money is piling higher and higher. I think I’ve done the twenties and fifties. All that’s left are the hundreds.The many, many remaining hundreds. By looking at those counted piles and comparing them to what’s left in the bag, I’m starting to get a better idea of just how much money is here. My hands are shaking a bit and I make tight little fists until they stop.

– So they stayed down there in Florida for a few years, but they, like, got into some kind of beef with the Cubans and it ended pretty ugly. I’m not really up on all the details and such, but from what I gather, it was one of those, like, scenes with a bunch of guns, piles of coke, and a machete.Scarfacekind of shit.Mmmm.So they had to blow and some, like, time had passed and they decided to come home and headed back up here. They, like, gave me a call out of the blue and I helped ’em to get a pad.Mmmm. To get a pad and, like, all situated and stuff. They were cool for a bit, but then they started this gig doing stickups at, like, high-stakes poker games and drug deals. They figured they could keep a lower profile if they, like, restrained their activities to the criminal community. Like, who’s gonna give a fuck, right?

I keep counting.

– For a while I helped out a bit, being, like, a technical adviser on a few jobs. I’d, you know, pick a lock or whatever. But the action was really just too fucking hot for me. High returns, but the risks were, like.Mmmm. I didn’t like the odds. Normal crime, the cops catch you and you’re just busted. The kind of shit they were pulling, other cons catch you robbing them and they’re gonna just fuck you all up.Anyway.Mmmm. Anyway, that’s about when I hooked them up withLum.The Chinese kid.The one with the, like, red hair.

Russ is still sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, his eyes closed.

– I had metLum through friends of, like, friends, and he was this kind of kid criminal prodigy. He wanted to be getting into heavier shit, so I set him up with Ed and Paris and they took him under their wing, sort of.Mmmm. So, at some point it all had to get, like, fucked up, and sure enough, it did. What happened was people, people in the life, got wind of what they were up to and some disinformation was floated their way through, like, usually reliable channels. They went in and hit this card game, thinking it was a bunch of bookies. Turned out it was a cop game.

And counting.

– Ed and Paris don’t even, like, blink. They just pull the job likeit’s business as usual while all these cops are telling them how dead they are. Then, like, it gets messy,cuz one of the cops goes for his ankle piece. Ed and Paris aren’t fools. They, like, don’t want to kill any cops, but they bust the guy up bad and split with the kitty. Now they’re just red fucking hot and they’re trying to decide if they should blow town or, like, what, and that’s when Roman pops up.Mmmm. Roman, he was like this hotshot hero cop way back.Some kind ofSerpico with a real hard-on for the law. ’Cept, story is, he had a bad gamblingjones. So things happen, right? He makes a bet here and there, gets some debt, makes a couple small moves to clear it up and next thing you know, he’s a hard-core player. That’s the way the system works.Mmmmmm. At this stage, he’s a robbery dick and he’s already, like, dirty as hell. He tracks Ed and Paris down, I mean like a bloodhound. He just goes right to ’em. There’s this big Mexican face-off and he ends up showing all his cards. Turns out he’s been on to Ed and Paris for a while. Turns out he’s, like, this big fan, he’s, like, recognized their talents and wants to, like, manage them. And so that’s what he does. Takes over and makes them into stars.Mmmm.

Counting.

– First, he pins the card game heist and all their other jobs on these niggers up in the Bronx. Those chumps