“Steady on,” said Pooley.
John turned upon him bitterly, “Go on then, Jimmy boy,” he sneered, “let us see you take your shot.”
“You won’t like it.”
“Won’t I, though?”
Pooley tapped at his nose. “Care to up the betting a trice?”
Omally stroked his chin. “From the water-butt in one, that is what you are telling me?” Pooley nodded. “Unless you, like the Dalai Lama, have mastered the techniques of levitation and telekinesis, which I do not believe, I do not rate your chances.”
“You will kick yourself afterwards.”
Omally spat on to his palm and slapped it into that of his companion. “All bets are doubled, will that serve you?”
“Adequately.” Pooley strolled over to the water-butt. With the lie of the land, it certainly was in a perfect line for the hole. Just down a slight slope and into the depression where lay the eighteenth.
“I shall play it from here,” said Jim, turning his back upon the target.
Omally stuck his hands into his pockets. “As you please,” said he.
“I will play it with a mashie if you have no objections.”
“None whatever.” Omally selected the club and handed it to his companion. Pooley leant forward and chalked a small cross at the base of the water-butt. Drawing back, he grasped the club hammerlike in his right fist and with a lewd wink struck the ancient zinc tank a murderous blow.
It was a sizeable hole and the water burst through it with great enthusiasm. Bearing down with the sudden torrent, and evidently much pleased to be free of its watery grave, Pooley’s ball bobbed along prettily. It danced down the slight incline, pirouetted about the eighteenth hole, as if taking a final bow, then plunged into it with a sarcastic gurgle.
“My game,” said Pooley rubbing his hands together. “Best we settle up now, I think.”
Omally struck his companion a devastating blow to the skull. Jim collapsed into a forest of bean poles but rose almost immediately with a great war cry. He leapt upon Omally, catching him around the waist and bearing him towards the now muddy ground. “Poor loser!” he shouted, grinding his thumb into Omally’s right eye.
“Bloody damn cheat,” the other replied, going as ever for the groin.
The two men were more than equally matched, although Omally was by far the dirtier fighter. They bowled over and over in the mud, bringing into play a most extraordinary diversity of unsportsmanlike punches, low kicks and back elbows. They had been tumbling away in like fashion for some ten minutes, doing each other the very minimum amount of damage, yet expending a great deal of energy, when each man suddenly became aware that his antics were being observed.
Some twenty yards or so away, a solitary figure in a grey coverall suit stood silently watching. At the distance it was difficult to make out his features clearly, but they seemed wide and flat and had more than the suggestion of the Orient about them.
The two men rose from the ground, patting away at their clothes. The fight was over, the ref’s decision being a draw. They beat a hasty retreat to the doubtful safety of Pooley’s allotment shed. Through a knot-hole in the slatted side they squinted at the grey figure. He was as immobile as a shop-window dummy, and stared towards them unblinkingly in a manner which the sensitive Jim found quite upsetting. He was of average height with high cheek- bones and a slightly tanned complexion and bore a striking resemblance to a young Jack Palance.
Pooley sought about for his tobacco tin. “I don’t like the look of this,” he said.
Omally, who had liberated Pooley’s tin from his pocket during the fight, was rolling a cigarette behind his back. “He is probably some workman chappy,” he suggested, “or possibly a bus conductor or site engineer from the gas works.” The hollow tone in Omally’s voice was not lost upon his companion.
“He has more of the look of a municipal worker to me,” said Jim, shaking his head dismally. “A park-keeper perhaps, or…”
“Don’t say it,” said John. “Some spy from the Council come to inspect the allotment?”
Pooley clenched his fists. “This is all too much. Discriminated against and ostracized from the Council courses, now tracked down here for further discrimination and ostracization, hounded down because of our love of the game. It is all too much to bear. Let us kill him now and bury his body.”
Omally agreed that it was all too much to bear but thought Pooley’s solution a little drastic. “All may not be lost,” he said. “He may have only just arrived and may only have witnessed our slight disagreement regarding the excellence of your trick shot. He may not suspect the cause.”
Pooley gestured through a broken window-pane to where his golf caddy, a converted supermarket trolley, stood bristling with its assortment of unmatched clubs.
Omally hung his head. “The game is up,” said he in a leaden tone.
Pooley put his eye once more to the knot-hole. “He is still there. Perhaps we could reason with him, or better still offer a bribe.”
Omally thought this sound enough, every man having his price. “How much have you in your pockets?” he asked.
Pooley smiled grimly. “We have not yet settled up over the game. I think that it is for you to approach him, John. Employ your silken tongue and feel free to invest a portion of my winnings if needs be. You can always owe me the difference. I consider you to be a man of honour.”
Omally licked the end of his captured roll-up. “All right,” he said nobly, “I shall go. We shall consider your winnings to be an investment to secure a further season of uninterrupted play. During this period I have not the least doubt that if your game continues at its present standard you will have the opportunity to lighten my pockets continually.”
Pooley opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. In such matters Omally generally held the verbal edge. “Go then with my blessings,” he said, “but kindly leave me my tobacco tin.”
Omally straightened up his regimental necktie, squared his broad and padded shoulders, threw open the hut door, and stepped out into the sunlight. The figure lurking amongst the bean poles watched the Irishman with an inscrutable expression. Omally thrust his hands into his trouser pockets and gazed about the allotment with extreme nonchalance. He yawned, stretched, and then, as if seeing the figure for the first time, flicked at his mop of curly black hair and bid the stranger a hearty “Good morning there.”
The figure uttered not a word but merely stared on regardless.
“There’ll be rain before the evening I shouldn’t wonder,” said Omally, who was rarely rattled. “Won’t do the ground any harm though.” As he spoke he slowly strolled in the stranger’s direction, covering his approach with the occasional sidestep to scrutinize some flowering bloom. But soon there was less than fifteen yards between them. “Should get a rare old crop of beans up this year,” said John, stepping nimbly over Old Pete’s watering can.
In order that he might reach the Council spy, for by this time Omally felt one hundred per cent certain that this was in fact the lurker’s despicable calling, it was necessary for him to pass behind Soap Distant’s heavily-bolted corrugated iron shed. Soap himself had vanished away from Brentford under most extraordinary circumstances, but his rental upon the shed was paid up until the turn of the following century and his hut remained untouched and inviolate.
Omally sneaked away behind it. He lost sight of the spy for but a moment, but when he emerged at the spot where the malcontent should have been standing, to John’s amazement, not a soul was to be seen.
Pooley came ambling up. “Where did he go?” he asked. “I took my eyes off him for a moment and he was gone.”
Omally shook his head. “There is something not altogether kosher about this, I am thinking.”
“He must have legged it, had it away on his toes.”
Omally scratched at the stubble of his chin. “Perhaps,” said he, “perhaps. There is a terrible smell of creosote hereabouts, has anybody been pasting his paintwork?”
“Not to my knowledge.”
Omally shrugged, “Shall we play another round then?”
Pooley scrutinized his Piaget wristwatch. “I feel a little unsettled,” he said. “Perhaps we should adjourn now to the Swan for a cooling pint of Large to ease our fractured nerves.”
“That,” said Omally, smacking his hands together, “is not a bad idea by any reckoning.”
