difficult and painful. How you handle friendships, relationships, breakups; that kind of thing.”
“You make it sound like we have to pass some kind of exam.”
“We do, though sitting it lasts for most of your life. You haven’t even started revising yet.”
“Jesus. This is all very profound, especially at this time of the morning. What are you trying to tell me?”
“Nothing. You’re the one that’s troubled. I damn well know it’ll be nothing to do with our mission. So I guess I’m trying to coax you into telling me what’s on your mind, and convince you it’s okay to talk about it. People do that when they’re close. It’s normal.”
“Ballet and psychology, huh?”
“You signed me up for my multi-tasking.”
“All right,” Joshua said. She was right, it was hard for him to talk about this. “It’s Louise.”
“Ah! The Norfolk babe. The very young one.”
“She’s not . . .” he began automatically. Sarha’s lack of expression stopped him. “Well, she is a bit young. I think I sort of took advantage.”
“Oh wow. I never thought the day would come when I heard you say that. Exactly why is it bothering you this time? You use your status like a stun gun.”
“I do not!”
“Please. When was the last time you went planetside or even into port without your little captain’s star bright on your shoulder?” She gave him a sympathetic smile. “You really fell for her, didn’t you?”
“No more than usual. It’s just that none of my other girlfriends wound up being possessed. Jesus, I had a hint of what that was like. I can’t stop thinking what it must have been like for her, how fucking ugly. She was so sweet, she didn’t belong in a world where those kind of things happen to people.”
“Do any of us?”
“You know what I mean. You’ve done stims you shouldn’t have, you’ve accessed real news sensevises. We know this is a badass universe. It helps, a bit. As much as anything can. But Louise—damn, her brat sister, too. We flew off and left them, just like we always do.”
“They spare children, you know. That Stephanie Ash woman on Ombey brought a whole bunch of kids out. I accessed the report.”
“Louise wasn’t a child. It happened to her.”
“You don’t know that for certain. If she was smart enough, she might have eluded them.”
“I doubt it. She doesn’t have that sort of ability.”
“She must have had some pretty amazing features to have this effect on you.”
He thought back to the carriage journey to Cricklade after they’d just met, her observations on Norfolk and its nature. He’d agreed with just about everything she’d said. “She wasn’t street-smart. And that’s the kind of dirty selfishness you need to elude the possessed.”
“You really don’t believe she made it, do you?”
“No.”
“Do you think you’re responsible for her?”
“Not responsible, exactly. But I think she was sort of looking at me as the person who was going to take her away from Cricklade Manor.”
“Dear me, whatever could have given her that impression, I wonder?”
Joshua didn’t hear. “I let her down, just by being me. It’s not a nice feeling, Sarha. She really was a lovely girl, even though she’d been brought up on Norfolk. If she’d been born anywhere else, I’d probably . . .” He fell silent, shifting his sweatshirt round, not meeting Sarha’s astonished stare.
“Say it,” she said.
“Say what?”
“Probably marry her.”
“I would not marry her. All I’m saying is that if she’d been given a proper childhood instead of growing up in that ridiculous medieval pageant there might’ve been a chance that we could have had something slightly longer- term than usual.”
“Well that’s a relief,” Sarha drawled.
“Now what have I done?” he exclaimed.
“You’ve been Joshua. For a moment there I thought you were actually evolving. Didn’t you hear yourself? She hasn’t had the education to become a crew member on
“I can’t!”
“Because
“Jesus! What are you trying to do to me?”
“I’m trying to understand you, Joshua. And help if I can. This matters to you. It’s important. You have to know why.”
“I don’t know why. I just know I’m worried about her. Maybe I’m guilty. Maybe I’m angry at the way the universe has crapped all over us.”
“Fair enough. All of us are feeling that way right now. At least we’re doing something about it. You can’t fly
He gave her a sad grin. “Yeah. I guess that’s me being selfish, too. I have to be doing something. Me.”
“It’s the kind of selfishness the Confederation needs right now.”
“That still doesn’t make it fair what happened to her. She’s suffering through no fault of her own. If this Sleeping God is as powerful as the Tyrathca believe, then it’s got some explaining to do.”
“We’ve been saying that about our deities ever since we dreamt them up. It’s a fallacy to assume it shares our morals and ethics. In fact it’s quite obvious it doesn’t. If it did, none of this would have happened. We’d all be living in paradise.”
“You mean the argument against divine intervention is forever unbreakable?”
“Yep, free will means we have to make our own choices. Without that, life is meaningless; we’d be insects grubbing along the way our instincts tell us. Sentience has to count for something.”
Joshua leant over and placed a grateful kiss on her forehead. “Getting us into trouble, usually. I mean, Jesus, look at me. I’m a wreck. Sentience hurts.”
They went out into the bridge together. Liol and Dahybi were lying on their acceleration couches, looking bored. Samuel was emerging from the hatchway.
“That was a long handover,” Liol remarked waspishly.
“Can’t you manage those yourself?” Joshua asked.
“You might have a Calvert body, but don’t forget which of us has more experience.”
“Not in all the relevant fields, you don’t.”
“I’m off watch,” Dahybi announced loudly. His couch webbing peeled back, allowing him to swing his feet down onto the decking. “Sarha, you coming?”
Joshua and Liol grinned at each other. Joshua made a polite gesture towards the floor hatch, which Liol acknowledged with a gracious bow. “Thank you, Captain.”
“While you’re in the galley I could do with some breakfast,” Joshua shouted after them. There was no reply. He and Samuel settled down on their acceleration couches. The Edenist was becoming a proficient systems officer, helping the crew with their shifts, as had the other science team specialists travelling on board. Even Monica was chipping in.
Joshua accessed the flight computer. Trajectory graphics and status schematics overlaid the external sensor images. Space had become awesome.
Three light-years ahead, Mastrit-PJ poured a strong crimson light across the dull foam which coated the starship’s fuselage. The Orion nebula veiled half of the starscape to galactic north of
