She looked out over the garden and tried to find the words that were required to describe what she was feeling. A calm after having regained control. Like an invisible spider in a net that no one but she knew existed. At the same time she wondered what she needed the control for, where she was headed. A feeling of being totally present. The here and now was everything. The next breath, the next minute. Everything after that was impossible to imagine. A thick red line had been drawn with a marker in an imaginary datebook, and that line could never be erased. Never ever. The past and the future had been ripped apart and would never meet again. And she herself was in limbo in between.
A sound made her turn her head. Out of the corner of her eye she had caught sight of something moving. Something big that quickly vanished behind the shed at the corner of the garden. In her life before the line in the datebook, she would have heeded the warning and gone out to pour blood meal on the most strategic spots, but now it made no difference. As far as she was concerned, the deer could eat up every hint of growth, each carefully nourished plant. Nothing would ever bloom again in this garden.
‘I heard that you suggested we should arrange a meeting tomorrow evening, and at first I was dubious but . . . There’s probably no other solution. I just don’t know how Linda is going to bear it. This will open up a lot of issues for her. She had a very hard time of it earlier, and that’s why she moved to Stockholm. It’s nothing we need to discuss in this case, but I did want you to know about it at least.’
Another deep sigh.
‘I actually just called to ask you to stress, when you make your calls, that Linda is incredibly upset about all this, and that she did not send those emails.’
‘Of course.’
Linda had a very hard time of it earlier, and that’s why she moved to Stockholm.
Interesting. Extremely interesting. But whatever she had a hard time with, it apparently didn’t teach her to respect the lives of other people. No, divide and conquer, go straight into the shower and put down your earrings. Take whatever you want, you can’t be bothered if some family is destroyed.
No, little Linda. You can sit there with your sad story. Your hard time is only beginning.
On the other hand, it might be useful to find out what you were running away from when you moved to Stockholm.
Henrik had already left by four o’clock. Dressed up and clean-shaven and in a cloud of aftershave he went off to have a beer with Micke. He had spent most of the afternoon in his office, but at regular intervals he had come out and restlessly wandered about the house. Like an animal in a cage. And she was the hated zoo-keeper, the one he was dependent on but who saw to it that his captivity was maintained.
She put Axel to bed at eight and thankfully he went to sleep right away. The knowledge of who Henrik was with crept into her body, and nothing on TV could distract her from her fantasies. She wondered where they were, what they were doing, whether they were lying entwined together and whether he was cautiously consoling her. Giving her all the tenderness and love that once had been hers.
Henrik and Eva.
So long ago.
How had it come to this? When had it reached the point that everything was suddenly too late?
She was all alone. He had already found himself a new travelling companion to lean on, someone to whom he could calmly lay out the alternatives for the future. It was an intolerable feeling suddenly to be exchanged, rejected, replaced by someone who was apparently better at fulfilling his expectations from life. Which she had not been able to do. And not a word had he spoken about his disappointment. He didn’t even intend to show her respect by explaining, giving her a fair chance to understand what had actually happened.
She turned off the TV and the room became black. She hadn’t even thought to turn on a lamp, although darkness had already fallen.
She sat down in the easy chair in front of the picture window facing the balcony. It was black as coal outside. Not even the moon could manage to light up the garden she had declared dead. She turned on the reading lamp and reached for the book she had started reading before the line in the datebook. It lay unopened in her lap.
It didn’t interest her any more.
Had Linda had a chance to read the email she had sent? She had written the text herself, after all. Eva wondered how they would react when they saw the familiar words, what Henrik would think when he recognised Linda’s declaration of love that he kept behind lock and key in his gun cabinet. Maybe he would suspect something, but how could he ever dare ask? She smiled at the dilemma she had created for him. Well, Henrik, what are you going to do now? When your lawfully wedded, understanding wife and the mother of your son might possibly be your worst enemy.
She looked at her reflection in the black windowpane. Linda’s words had taken up residence, uninvited, in her memory bank, burned their way in like a disfiguring tattoo. She knew that they would haunt her for the rest of her life.
To be allowed to be so loved.
To be allowed to be as loved as Henrik was.
She wondered how he had answered that letter. Whether he suddenly found words that he had never used before, never had any occasion to use. Words which during their entire marriage had been biding their time because they weren’t needed. Words that were too big, too strong and powerful, exaggerated even, but that were finally given the opportunity to break free and be put to use.
To help him maintain and preserve what he had found.
To be allowed to be so loved.
And to dare to let oneself be loved that way.
She closed her eyes when she was forced to admit that what he was experiencing just now was what she had always dreamed of for herself. Real passion. The kind that could go straight through her and force her to let herself go completely, not be able to resist. The kind she had never ever experienced. To be able to love unconditionally and be loved in return without having to perform, be talented, be the best every second of her life. To be the one she really was behind the facade she had so successfully managed to construct, hiding her fear of failure. Of not being good enough. Of being abandoned.
You’re so strong. How many times had she heard those words? She played her role so well that no one ever saw through her, no one ever got to see the other woman hiding in the background. She felt a longing to show all her weaknesses for once without losing everything. And not have to fight to deserve it, to dare to let someone all the way inside without being afraid.
If only someone would say ‘I love you’ to her and mean every syllable of it, and wish there were even greater words because not even ‘I love you’ was sufficient.
She took a breath and opened her eyes. The realisation had given her palpitations. She looked at her face in the black window-pane and was ashamed at her weakness. She was strong and independent and all the rest was nothing but romantic fancy.
And yet.
Was it possible that someone could love her that much?
Out of a sense of duty and guilt, she had not allowed herself to express her secret wish even to herself. Bound by her vows and commitments she had repressed her longing in a shameful corner and barred the door.
Out of loyalty to Henrik.
He was the one she had selected to share her life, the one with whom she had experienced so much. She would never be able to do him such wrong. She had tried to fill her time with work and conversations with friends that might give her everything she knew Henrik couldn’t give her.
All to hold the family together.
Now she sat here, alone.
He had found everything she had dreamed of finding.
And he had lied to her as if their relationship had never existed, she and their life together had never existed, had never been worth a thing.
She sat there for a long time, staring into her own eyes until the face around them was distorted and transformed into the face of a stranger.
