Axel seemed to know something was wrong. As if the words they had said the night before had polluted the air. They floated like an evil-smelling menace in the house and made her lose her courage as soon as he refused to put on the striped T-shirt.
She had to pull herself together. Not lose control. He hadn’t actually said he wanted a divorce, after all, he hadn’t done that. Just that he didn’t think they had fun any more.
She hadn’t been able to sleep. She lay wide awake and listened to his fingers tapping on the keyboard in the office, sometimes hesitant, sometimes determined. How could he just sit down and work? She wondered what kind of article he was writing and realised that she had no idea. It had been a long time since they had talked about his work. As long as he sent out invoices and money came in so she could pay the bills, there hadn’t seemed to be any reason.
Always so pressed for time.
For a while she had thought about going in to him and asking, but then she changed her mind. He was the one who should come to her.
Not until around three o’clock did she hear the bedroom door being carefully opened, and he slipped into his side of the double bed.
Axel like a defensive wall between them.
There were only a few minutes left until the meeting as she parked outside the day-care centre. Axel was still in a bad mood, even though she tried to divert his attention as best she could during the drive over. It would be terrible when she left. Axel’s sobbing face behind the window-pane.
How could she cope with that today?
She ran into Daniel’s father on the way in.
‘Hi, Eva, great to see you, I was going to call you two today. We’re having that dinner party on the 27th like we said. Can you still come?’
‘Yes, I think so.’
He glanced quickly at his watch and kept talking as he backed towards his car.
‘We were thinking of inviting the couple that just moved in down the street as well; you know, the house where that old couple used to live. I don’t remember their names.’
‘I know who you mean. So someone has moved into the place now?’
‘Yes, and I think they have kids the same age as ours, so we thought we’d do something neighbourly right away. It’s good to have some place within crawling distance when you go out for dinner.’
He laughed at his own joke and took another look at his watch.
‘Damn. I’ve got to be at a meeting on Kungsholmen in fifteen minutes. Why can’t they ever start half an hour later?’
He gave a deep sigh.
‘Well, then. Say hi to the family.’
He got into his car and she pulled open the door for Axel.
It was always such a rush. Kids who’d just woken up and stressed-out parents who even before they made it to work were worrying about everything they wouldn’t have a chance to get done before they had to rush back and pick up their kids on time. Everyone always in a breathless race, with the clock as their worst enemy.
Was it really supposed to be like this?
They walked through the doors and Kerstin came out from the play-room to meet them.
‘Hi Axel. Hi Eva.’
‘Hi.’
Axel didn’t reply but turned his back and stood there with his forehead pressed against the cabinet. She was grateful that it was Kerstin who greeted her today, because she was the one on the staff she knew best. Since Axel’s first day five years ago, Kerstin had worked as both day-care teacher and director, with an enthusiasm for her work that never flagged. Driven by devotion, as if she could change the world by constantly reminding the children in her care about the importance of empathy and what was right and wrong. Eva was full of admiration and had often been amazed at Kerstin’s energy, especially in view of how exhausted she often felt herself. But on the other hand, Kerstin’s own children were in their twenties, so maybe that was the difference.
The clock was her worst enemy.
She remembered her involvement as the head of the student council in high school; Greenpeace, Amnesty, the burning will to change things. And she remembered how it felt when she still had the conviction that what was wrong could be fixed, injustices could cease, and if she only put in enough time and energy then the world could be changed. Back then her outrage over the unjust imprisonment of a person on the other side of the globe would make her start petition drives and organise demonstrations. Now that she was grown up and really could do something, she was grateful if she managed to get to a day-care parents’ meeting that affected her own son. The desire to change the world had been precipitately transformed into a hope that there would be enough hours in the day – her outrage into a deep sigh and some guilty spare change in the Red Cross collection box at the grocery store. All to silence her guilty conscience. Always new decisions to make. What telephone plan to sign up with, which electrical company would be most advantageous, where to invest the pension money, which school was the best, which family doctor, the lowest interest on the mortgage. And they all affected her little world: what was best and most beneficial for her and her family. Endless decisions to make, and you still never knew if you had made the right ones. Everyone thinking of themselves first. When all mandatory decisions had been made, there was no energy left to make a stand on the issues that really should matter. The ones that could change what really should be changed. She remembered the ironic sticker she had had on her notice-board in her bedroom when she was a girl: ‘Of course I take a stand on all the injustices in the world. I’ve said ‘bloody hell’ many times!’ She would never be like that. Or so she had thought back then.
‘Are you angry today?’
Axel didn’t answer Kerstin’s question, and Eva went over and squatted down by his side.
‘It wasn’t a good morning. Isn’t that right, Axel?’
Filippa and her mother came in the door and Kerstin’s attention was diverted to them instead.
Eva pulled Axel close and held him tight.
Everything’s going to be all right. You don’t have to be afraid. I promise I’ll work this out.
‘Hey Axel, the meeting’s starting now, everyone else is already inside. Come on, let’s go in. Today it’s your turn to get the fruit from the kitchen.’
Kerstin reached out her hand to him, and he finally gave in, went over to his corner and hung up his jacket. Eva stood up.
‘Henrik will pick him up at four.’
Kerstin smiled and nodded, took Axel by the hand, and went into the play-room. Eva followed along behind. Actually she might be the one who was having the hardest time saying goodbye today. Axel let go of Kerstin’s hand and ran over to Linda, one of the other day-care teachers, and climbed up on her knee.
Gratefully she felt the worst of her worries recede. It was Axel’s everyday world she saw before her, and until she fixed all the problems at least he was having a good time here. Linda stroked Axel’s hair and gave her a quick smile.
Eva smiled back.
Here he was safe.
Jonas got to his appointment with Dr Sahlstedt early. He had been waiting for more than fifteen minutes when the doctor came hurrying down the corridor and opened the door to his office.
‘Sorry you had to wait, I had to look at a patient down in intensive care. Come in.’
He closed the door behind them and went over to sit down at his desk.
Jonas just stood there. Anna’s calm seemed to be blown away, the compulsion was well aware that he was defenceless now, and soon it would grow strong enough. Now he would have to pay for last night’s peace and quiet. He had felt the signals even when he was waiting in the corridor. A creeping unrest that had begun during the morning rounds. The looks from the staff over Anna’s sleeping body. No specific word, but rather a new tone of voice, a vague insinuation.
‘Please have a seat.’
