follow him for the rest of his life. Axel was one of the consequences. He had only seen the advantages, forgotten to imagine Eva and Axel together with a new man, a man who would spend as much time with Axel as he did. Influence him and the grown man he would one day become. Now that he had got a look at that bastard, the thought was intolerable.
But the thought of losing Linda was intolerable as well.
Or of being rejected by Eva.
Or that she may never have loved him.
Bloody hell.
He needed time. Time to understand what it was he actually felt.
What it was he actually wanted.
He got up and found the key card. He had to try and get hold of Linda. Whether it was out of consideration or because the walls of the cabin were threatening to suffocate him, he didn’t know. He got her cabin number from the reception, but there was no answer when he knocked. No one was answering her phone either. Methodically he searched through the bars and restaurants on board. What was it he wanted from her? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he had to talk to her. Try to make her understand. She wasn’t on any of the flashing disco floors or in the loud karaoke bars. He stopped in front of a large panoramic window, having lost his orientation, and in all the pitch blackness outside the window it was impossible to discern the direction they were sailing, whether he was closer to the bow or the stern. He found a wall map and made his way back to her cabin. This time she opened the door, squinting at the sharp light in the corridor. She didn’t say a word, just left the cabin door open and backed into the darkness inside. He took a deep breath before he followed her, still not knowing what he wanted to say. Then he closed the door behind him and stood there in the dark.
‘Don’t turn on the light.’
He heard her voice a few metres away and pulled back his hand that had automatically been searching the wall for a light switch.
‘I can’t see a thing.’
She didn’t answer. He heard the sound of a glass being set down on a table. A faint light from the porthole began to materialise and then the contours of a chair. He stood there trying to let his eyes adjust. Didn’t want to risk tripping over something on the floor. But he had to figure out what to say.
‘How are you feeling?’
She didn’t answer this time either. Only a faint snort broke through the throbbing engine noise.
He stood in silence a long time. The initiative was his but he didn’t know what to say, what words he could use to make her understand.
‘Do you have anything to drink?’
‘No.’
He heard her pick up the glass and take a few gulps.
This was not going to be easy.
‘Linda, I . . .’
He had palpitations now. He felt so much and could explain none of it. She who had been his closest friend. Who had understood him so well. Who had made him feel so good. Who had made him dare.
He heard her change position. Maybe she was sitting up.
‘What do you want?’
Four words.
Each by itself or in some other context completely harmless. Utterly without gravity in themselves. Merely a question about what he wanted.
But at this moment the words coming from her lips were a threat to his entire existence. Now he would be forced to make the choice he would have to live with for the rest of his life. Open the way towards the future he would freely choose, here and now. Now he had a chance. Or did he? That was precisely what he didn’t know any longer, whether he actually had any other choice. And that’s what made it all so hard. He no longer knew. Maybe this was the only alternative. Maybe the decision had already been made, over his head.
By Eva.
Again.
Shit.
Surely Linda realised that everything had changed, didn’t she? That it wasn’t so easy any more? She couldn’t ask him to make such a big decision without giving him a chance to think or figure out what was going on.
‘If you still don’t have anything to say then you might as well leave.’
There was a coldness in her voice that scared him. He was on his way to losing everything. Both what he had and what he dreamed of having. Both. What would he do then? If he was left all alone.
‘Please, can’t we just turn on the light so I can see you?’
‘Why should you see me? It doesn’t seem to be anything you want.’
He felt the rage building. It was such a shame for her! She was lying there so pitiful and refused to make the slightest effort to try and understand or meet him halfway.
She was the one who spoke.
‘I just want to hear your answer to my question. That’s all I ask and it doesn’t matter if it’s in the dark. What is it you want, anyway?’
He could see her contours now. She was sitting up in bed. A single cabin the same as his.
‘It’s not that fucking simple!’
‘What isn’t simple?’
‘Everything has changed.’
‘What has changed?’
Now he could also make out the floor, and he went over to the chair, picked up her jacket that was hanging over the back and placed it in his lap as he sat down.
He gave a heavy sigh.
‘I don’t know how to explain.’
‘Try.’
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
‘It’s not as if my feelings for you have changed, that’s not it.’
She sat in silence. It was harder to make out her contours from this angle. Maybe it was true that it was easier to say what he had to say without being able to see her.
‘It just feels like . . . I know it sounds strange, but . . . Eva and I lived together for almost fifteen years. Even though I don’t love her . . . I just can’t fathom that she has been with another man for a whole year. Without saying a word. I just feel so stupid.’
The darkness was working in his favour. He didn’t need to see her or show his shame. And he didn’t want her questions and accusations. He wanted her support. Her understanding.
‘I’ve never told you about this. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone, not even Eva. It’s a long time ago now, back in Katrineholm before I moved to Stockholm.’
A girl he had loved. Unconditionally and to distraction. At least he had thought so. Twenty years ago, with no frame of reference. Everything new and untested. Untried. No limits.
‘There was a girl there, Maria was her name. She was a year younger than me. We moved in together in a little bed-sit in the city right after high school. I was really in love with her . . .’
The price had been high. He had risked everything but not for a second had he felt secure. It had been a crazy balancing act from the beginning; he had loved her more than she did him. Every waking moment was a struggle to regain balance. Every day a paralysing fear of losing her, a fear that in the end controlled his whole life. And he had good reason to be afraid. He never succeeded in trusting her, in spite of her protestations that everything was as it should be. She had lulled him into a false sense of security which he finally had to believe in because he had no other choice. Until his suspicions had been confirmed by the testimony of others.
‘She went behind my back. I had a suspicion about it the whole time, but she assured me that it wasn’t true. But in the end she admitted that she had met someone else.’
