So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

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Waiting for Food

When severe decomposition starts affecting your performance, or you’ve experienced the loss of major appendages, your quest for brains could become wearisome. In order to put food in your mouth, you will need to employ new hunting strategies. While most zombies roam far and wide for food, the patient zombie, hiding in secret, can be just as effective. Eventually, all brains come to those who wait.

The elements of surprise and fear work in your favor when ambushing your quarry. Here are the top 10 places to hide and hunt.

1. Closet. General storage areas, from wardrobes to kitchen cabinets, can be found in any human residence. They’re perfect for waiting until someone comes home, or a biohazard cleanup crew sweeps through.

2. Bathroom. ?Donde esta el bano? The bathroom is usually a small enclosed space with few windows, making quick exits difficult. Since every human will eventually need to “use the facilities,” catching a human with his or her pants down can make for an easy meal.

3. Under the Bed. Yes, the old “monster under the bed” trick! Conceal yourself under or behind furniture, perfect for staying out of sight, out of mind. Wait for your victim’s pudgy ankles to walk by, then bite, claw, or grab.

4. Basement. With minimal lighting and ample room to maneuver, the cellar is the perfect place to hang out until some human comes down looking for more AA batteries. Zed experience has shown that positioning yourself under the steps can be very successful.

5. Vehicles. Operating a car door latch may be above your IQ level, but perhaps someone in your horde will possess the necessary dexterity. Once you gain access to the vehicle, head for the rear. The trunk or backseat is a perfect location to hide until your victim buckles up!

6. Trash Cans. A trash can, dumpster, or pile of trash is the perfect cover, though the smell might hamper your ability to detect prey. At the same time, however, the odor can mask your own scent from humans, allowing you to casually hang out until something tasty walks by.

7. Behind Trees. Find a good-sized tree that’s larger than your width. From our past experiences, a tree that is smaller may not work as well.

8. Sewers. Storm drains, ditches, and gutters are usually within proximity of high-traffic areas such as parking lots and sidewalks. Lie down in the right one and you could snag yourself a street-side meal. However, as with trash cans, the sewer odor can decrease your zombie senses.

9. Outbuildings. Sheds, outhouses, chicken coops, and doghouses are all wonderful places to lay low. A human is bound to investigate when the family dog starts barking in the backyard. When the curious breather cracks open the door, unleash a world of hurt.

10. Cemeteries. How stereotypical, right? Wrong! Graveyards are filled with hundreds of headstones that are perfect to lurk behind. Eventually, someone’s going to take a shortcut to death, and you’ll be waiting to help them.

Human Structures

At some point during a successful zombie uprising, officials in the human government will broadcast warnings and possibly even issue a quarantine for the infected area, trapping plenty of the living in the hot zone. At this point, many humans will barricade themselves in houses, commercial buildings, or other man-made structures they perceive to be safe. Each type of structure, from an isolated farmhouse to a neighborhood pub, will require zombie entry strategies to bypass breathers’ feeble attempts to stop us.

Houses

The word “house” is a generic term that describes human residences of all shapes and sizes. However different they may appear, most houses share structural similarities, such as doors, windows, roofs, and toilets. These dwellings, from the cardboard box to the Hampton mansion, are designed to satisfy the personal and emotional needs of the living.

Though humans build their homes with certain safeguards to keep out possible intruders, during an outbreak they often add additional fortifications to deter the infected. With only basic weekend warrior skills, breathers will board up windows, block entrances, and erect additional fencing. Some humans will sit in them quietly, hoping not to be noticed, while others will brazenly use weaponry for added defense. Most of these added measures can easily be bypassed by experienced undead soldiers—and, as mentioned earlier, they are a sure sign of recent human occupancy.

Review these illustrations of two single-family detached houses. With a quick glance, you will notice that House 1 has been fortified with additional structures that could make entering it difficult. They are evidence that someone has prepared the house for the current epidemic. Very likely, the house will contain not only that someone and his or her loved ones but also other uninfected humans who were attracted there by the promise of safe refuge.

House 2 is noticeably different. A house that shows signs of forced entry, with open doors, broken windows, and other structural damage, is less likely to yield a warm meal. Because this pad’s entry points are available and unobstructed, it provides no protection for the living.

So only House 1 is worth your attention. But how do you gain access to such a well-fortified home?

1. Ho ho ho, it’s Zombie Santa! With dislocated joints and a slightly smaller decomposing body, it might be possible for you to shimmy down the chimney. If you smell smoke, abort the mission—a fire is waiting at the bottom, ready to ignite your rotten ass. Remember, cremation can be fatal.

2. Given your impaired dexterity, climbing to a second story window might be difficult, and humans will often assume that it’s downright impossible. Most likely, they will leave this window relatively unfortified, making it an easy access point for zombie climbers.

3. Huffing and puffing will not blow the house down, but a zombie battering ram might! Grab the nearest zed or zed-terminated corpse and use it to break down the door.

4. During a zombie pandemic, homeowners are seldom able to locate a reliable contractor. A home’s windows may appear to be boarded up, but it’s very likely that someone tried to save some time and got stingy on the nails. Just yank the wood a bit to see if anything budges.

5. The old basement window trick. Humans will often run upstairs but neglect their basement defenses. Check the lowest windows, break the glass, then crawl or fall in.

6. Depending on the year and model, it might be possible to just lift a garage door open. If you don’t find a vehicle, don’t be fooled; an empty garage doesn’t mean the house is empty.

7. The garage window is another area of the house that could have been neglected. Push, pull, and slide it, but if it doesn’t budge, just start pounding. The noise of breaking glass may frighten the living out of hiding.

8. Use your head to smash the window in the garage’s service door. A few head butts and you should fall right inside.

9. Depending on the house design, an additional entrance for the basement may be available around back— the perfect opening for a sneak attack.