Ozzy Osbourne with Chris Ayres
TRUST ME, I’M DR. OZZY
Warning:
Disclaimer
Some names and personal details in this book have been changed for privacy reasons, and most questions have been edited.
Facts in the pull-out boxes and quiz sections were supplied by Dr. Ozzy’s research department (he’s called Chris), as Dr. Ozzy’s memory of events between 1968 and the present are not entirely reliable.
This book should not be relied upon for medical purposes.
Important Safety Information
Do not use DR. OZZY if you suffer from medical conditions, ailments, or other health concerns, as this may cause sudden and unsafe death or death-like symptoms. Discuss your mental health with a qualified psychiatrist if you’re considering using DR. OZZY. In the rare event that use of DR. OZZY results in the growth of winged testicles, seek immediate medical help, or fly to your nearest hospital. If you are under the age of 18 or an extraterrestrial lifeform, you should not use DR. OZZY. Trials have shown that a low dose of DR. OZZY is no safer than a high dose of DR. OZZY. Even trace amounts of DR. OZZY, which may be undetectable to the human eye, can result in serious damage to wildlife. If you suspect the presence of DR. OZZY, inform government agencies immediately and remain indoors. Use of DR. OZZY is legally prohibited in many territories and may be considered a felony in the United States. If accidental use of DR. OZZY should occur, wash the affected area immediately. DR. OZZY should not be taken with other self-help products, as confusion and bleeding could arise. Users of DR. OZZY have reported instances of cranial detonation, self-amputation, and madness. It is not possible to determine whether these events were directly related to DR. OZZY or to other factors. DR. OZZY does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, ingrowing toenails, and bovine spongiform encephalitis. The most frequently observed side-effects of DR. OZZY include hysteria and indigestion. Less commonly, leprosy may occur. Also, in clinical studies of DR. OZZY, a small number of men experienced certain sexual side-effects, such as penis detachment and ocular ejaculation. These occurred in less than 99.9% of men and went away in those who stopped using DR. OZZY because of other, more serious side-effects, such as prolonged agony and screaming.
DR. OZZY’S MEDICINE CABINET
| Description: | Use(s): |
|---|---|
| Black Stuff, Greasy (From Dad’s Shed) | Acne/Blemishes |
| Brandy (4 Bottles) | Hangover |
| Brick (1) | Various |
| Cocaine, Eighties-Vintage (Bag Of)* | Athlete’s Foot |
| Dynamite (2 Sticks)* | Constipation |
| Chicken (1, Alive) | Hangover (Severe) |
| Football (1, Leather) | Diagnostics |
| Lemon (1) | Common Cold |
| Sewing Kit (Stolen From Sister) | Surgery |
| Shotgun (Semi-Automatic)* | As Above |
