Time of Death

long have you guys been dating?’ Because Colin will never tell.

‘Five months now,’ said Naomi.

‘That’s great,’ said Ren. She paused. ‘Colin’s got a huge brain.’ Hello? Why did I say that? Ren was reminded of her friend looking at a newborn in a baby carriage and saying to the mother, ‘What a beautiful…blanket!’

‘It’s going great,’ said Naomi.

‘I’ve never seen him like this,’ said Ren. I really haven’t. Now, how many other things can I say to fuck him up before he comes back with the drinks?

Colin had to pry Naomi away from Ren to take her to dinner. Naomi announced that they were meeting Colin’s parents. Colin’s smile was fixed.

‘They are so getting married,’ said Ren when they left. ‘I love her.’

‘She’s seems like a really nice lady,’ said Robbie.

‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘For a woman who is obviously on her way in or out of a mental health facility.’

‘Just be happy for them,’ said Robbie.

Ren paused. ‘OK – I’ll split the difference. Can I be happy for him? And saddened for her?’

Robbie smiled. ‘Look – booth.’

‘Grab it.’

People around them were dropping off like flies. Most of them had been there since lunch-time. Robbie was on caffeine-free Coke number three, Ren was on Coors Light number four.

‘Oh, what the—’ said Robbie. He grabbed Ren’s beer. ‘It’s St Patrick’s Day…’

‘Hey,’ said Ren, trying to take it back from him. ‘What are you doing? Mormons don’t drink.’

‘Yes,’ said Robbie. ‘And we have the highest rate of porn addiction in the US.’

‘Are the two connected?’

‘I’m just saying,’ said Robbie.

‘Look who’s all disillusioned with the Latter Day Saints…’

‘No,’ said Robbie. ‘I just want to have fun.’

‘I can’t believe I’m about to say this,’ said Ren, ‘but there are other ways of having fun.’

‘I guess alcohol isn’t always the answer.’

‘Unless the question is “What is Ren Bryce’s favorite thing in the whole wide world?”’

Robbie laughed. ‘Look, just go with me on this. If there was any person to have my first beer with, it’s you.’

‘That’s grim,’ said Ren. ‘Like, come here, little boy, have some Jesus juice.’ She hung her head.

Robbie ordered his first beer.

Troubling.

When it arrived, he clinked bottles with her and she saw a teenage twinkle of rebellion.

Oh. Dear.

Three hours and four Coors later, Ren was merry and staring across the table at a man she had never met before – Hammered Robbie.

‘Ren, you are amazing,’ said Hammered Robbie. ‘You’re, like…amazing.’ He pulled her hand in between both of his.

‘Ding ding,’ said Ren. ‘Official confirmation that you are very…very drunk.’

‘But you are amazing,’ said Robbie.

‘But you are drunk.’

‘I always think you’re amazing,’ said Robbie. ‘You just…are. You come in to the office and it’s, like, fun.’

‘That’s because of Colin,’ said Ren.

‘He’s such a jerk to you.’

‘I love it.’

‘You’re so beautiful.’

Sweet Jesus.

Robbie reached a hand up towards Ren’s cheek. She stopped him gently. ‘I am taking you home.’

Something flashed in his eyes.

‘Nooo,’ said Ren. ‘I mean you need to get some rest.’ You are not losing both virginities in one night.

‘Come on,’ said Robbie. ‘How can you be with every other guy and not me?’

‘Ouuuch.’ Ren pulled on his wrists. ‘Come on, mister, get up.’

‘I’m better than any of those other guys.’

‘OK, Robbie? Listen to me,’ said Ren. ‘You’re like a little brother to me, OK? That’s how I see you.’

‘What? That is so creepy.’

Maybe from where you’re half-sitting half-standing. ‘No, it’s not,’ said Ren. ‘Now, move your butt.’

Ren helped Robbie up the path to Annie’s and managed to drag him over the threshold.

‘Hmm, which room to choose?’ said Ren.

‘Yours,’ said Robbie.

‘Hey, I thought you were asleep down there,’ said Ren, giving him a light kick on the leg. ‘That question was for me. Based on what is the easiest room to secure you in.’

‘I’m just drunk, I’m not, like prone to violent outbursts. Why did you kick me?’

Ren let out a breath.

‘Are you like this when you’re drunk?’

No, I would be having sex with someone by now…

Ren dragged him up by the arm. ‘You’ve seen me drunk a million times.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said Robbie. ‘Why aren’t you drunk tonight? Am I not fun to drink with? Am I a bad drunk?’

‘You’re a sixteen-year-old drunk,’ said Ren. ‘Which is adorable. But ultimately making me feel dirty. And not in a good way.’

‘You hate me now.’

‘Yes, you’re right – our prom date is off. I’m going with Biff.’

‘Who?’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ said Ren. ‘Right – I have chosen your room. It’s up one flight of stairs. That’s all I’m asking.’

‘Where’s your room?’

‘On the eleventy-sixth floor. Come on. Move it. We have work in…you don’t want to know.’

Four hours later, Ren arrived, showered and dressed, into the guest room. Robbie was on his side, staring her way, gray- and shame-faced.

‘Oh, Lawsy.’ He groaned and tried to sit up. ‘Ohhh.’

Ren sat on the edge of the bed.

‘Lay back down,’ she said. ‘Trust me.’ She stroked his forehead with the back of her cold hand.

‘Thanks,’ said Robbie. ‘I am so sorry. And I don’t even know for what. I’m an idiot.’

Ren looked at the floor. ‘Ah. There’s the water I couldn’t get you to drink.’ She picked up the empty glass and put it on the nightstand. ‘You don’t need to be sorry, OK? You didn’t do anything.’

‘I feel like I did,’ said Robbie.

‘Sweetheart, anyone who says “Oh lawsy” instead of “Oh Lord” or “ye gads” instead of “Oh God” can’t be all bad,’ said Ren. ‘In fact, I’m the one who should be apologizing.’