guts.
Nobody did. Sometimes he felt invisible.
Circling North Devon in a confusion of new roads had run his petrol low and he pulled into a service station. As he wrestled increasingly stupidly with the buttons and hoses and multiple choices, he had prepared a cover story about being French. But the bleary-eyed boy at the pay window barely looked at him, saving Avery a smile, a lie, and a bad accent.
Once he was in Shipcott he knew exactly where he was going.
He drove past Mr. Jacoby’s shop and noticed that it was a Spar now. Globalization comes to Exmoor, he thought with a wry little smile. The shop wasn’t open yet, and piles of bound newspapers lay outside, waiting to be sorted and sold so that the residents of Shipcott could hold his fuzzy face in their hands and be guarded against him.
He drove through the sleeping village. At the turning to a deadend street he noticed that he was on Barnstaple Road and his heart started to race even as he slowed to a crawl, peering at the houses, their colors distorted to variations on peach by the sodium glow of the streetlamps in the dull grey of dawn.
Number 109 … 110 … 111.
Avery stopped the car without bothering to pull into the curb, and stared at the house where SL lived.
Many years ago he had played poker. He hadn’t known what he was doing really and was nervous of losing and making a fool of himself. But it was only when he picked up a pair of aces and saw another two drop onto the table that he’d started to shake. That was how he knew that the trembling that now coursed through his hands, over his shoulders, and across his cheeks to his lips was a good thing. He held an unbeatable hand.
As the car ticked over, Avery stared at the black windows of the tatty little house and imagined SL asleep inside it; imagined creeping up the stairs and opening each bedroom door noiselessly so he could stare down at the occupants, until he found SL, lying unwary and weak and at his mercy …
Avery whimpered and jerked his imagination back from the brink. He was too close to reality to waste effort on speculation. If the worst had come to the worst and he was too late, then maybe he would have to return to 111 Barnstaple Road and take his chances. But for now … The spectre of the carelessness that had ended his divine pastime loomed large over Avery and kept him behind the wheel when he might otherwise have ventured onto the curb, the narrow pavement, through an unfastened window …
That loss of control had haunted him for eighteen years. He wasn’t going to repeat that mistake.
He left the village behind quickly and drove out to a farm-access track a few hundred yards beyond it. It was so overgrown that he passed it three times before recognizing the dark tunnel through the hedge and turning in. The Micra bumped and squeaked across the grass and potholes and the paintwork squealed in protest as it was ruined by brambles and blackthorn.
When he could drive no farther, Avery got out with his bag of new supplies, popped a bottle of water and several cheese-and-tomato sandwiches into it, and walked up onto the moor.
He was immediately hit by a sensory overload composed of sweet dew-sodden heather and the memory of the soft weight of a boy in his arms. The two-pronged assault left him momentarily faint with excitement and he had to stop and bend over with his hands on his knees until his breathing evened out.
He had to stay focused. Avery had no illusions about his future. He knew he could not stay on the run for long—especially after what he had planned. While he had worked so hard and waited so long for his legitimate release, he had no experience of—or desire for—the life of a fugitive. After the event, his life would effectively be over. His only objective now was to stay in control long enough to make his fleeting freedom worthwhile.
Slowly he felt the rush subside, and that control return to him. He knew he would have to be on his guard; the thrill of the moor alone was almost overwhelming. Coupled with the memory of this overgrown track and the possibilities that lay ahead, the sheer effort it took to remain calm brought Avery out in a sweat. His arm tingled and ached where the mystery groove had opened his flesh, and he felt a little light-headed but he ignored it; he thought it looked worse than it was and he didn’t care if he was wrong; it wasn’t going to stop him. Nothing would.
He started up the hill again. His thoughts battered noisily at the smoked glass of his mind, desperate to be set free and run on ahead like yapping puppies. Avery was almost deafened by the ruckus. He took a deep breath and started to count backwards from a thousand.
982 … 981 … 980 … 979 …
He stopped and started again from the top.
So, concentrating on getting the numbers right, Avery managed to stay in control all the way to Blacklands.
He found the mound easily.
There was mist in the valley below, hiding Shipcott, but up here the air was clear and might soon be bright.
The last of the night had faded and left a pale, blank sky into which the sun crept lazily from under the horizon.
Avery climbed to the top of the mound and looked down.
The excitement bubbled up in him and he clenched his knuckles white and ground them into his own thighs to stay sane for a little while longer.
He wasn’t sure he could do it.
He whined and bit his lip. His breathing was jagged in his chest and his heart bumped loudly in his ears and sinuses.
Right here. He was right here. A place he thought he might never be again. Everything was worth it. If they rushed him now and dragged him off the moor on a bed of fire, it would have been worth it—just to stand here and smell the wet heather and the dank earth beneath it.
Avery tasted blood where his lip leaked into his mouth. He didn’t know how he would stop his head bursting with need, but he knew he had to. He wanted this feeling to last as long as he could make it; knew it could get even better if he were very, very lucky.
But right now he had to keep a lid on things. He had to get a grip.
He squeezed his eyes shut to blot out the overwhelming visual stimulation.
Don’t blow it.
Don’t blow it.
Don’t blow it.
Whining, sweating, and trembling with effort, Avery slowly regained dominion over Exmoor and his own body.
His whining tapered, he stopped gasping for every breath; his fists loosened, leaving half-moon cuts in his palms like little stigmata.
He felt the dawn air filling him to bursting with life and self-possession. The sun made him shiver with anticipation, while the first skylark sang his praises.
When he finally opened his eyes, he felt like god.
Calm. Patient. Controlled.
Powerful. Vengeful.
He spread a plastic bag in a patch of wet white heather and sat gently, feeling the moor embrace him like an old lover.
And an hour later, when the boys rose up towards him through the mist, Avery’s eyes blurred with the sheer beauty of it all.
They were like angels emerging from a cloud so he could welcome them into heaven.
Chapter 37
