F.-I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!
D.-What of your friend?
F.-He is a gentleman.
D.-Then he is dead!
F.-Just so: he is 'straightened out'-he took your prescription.
D.-All but the 'simple diet.'
F.-He is himself the diet.
D.-How simple!
FOOL.-Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?
DOCTOR.-It is possible that he acquires it?
F.-Much good it does him.
D.-Why not-as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.
F.-For example?
D.-He is in a false position.
FOOL.-What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.-Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.-I am not familiar with it.
D.-It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.
F.-But how long does his appetite last?
D.-That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.-The portion that survives him-?
D.-Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.-Pitch it a biscuit.
FOOL.-You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.-I never do tell.
F.-I mean how do you know?
D.-I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.-How does the patient know?
D.-The fool asks me.
F.-Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.-Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.
DOCTOR.-The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.-A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.-One's relations-except the poorer sort-seldom are.
F.-My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.-Done!
F.-You have won the wager.
FOOL.-I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.-Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.-The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool 'phool,' and physician 'fysician.' What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by 'PH;' the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter 'F.'
D.-This must have been very confusing.
F.-It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.-You tumour!
FOOL.-Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.-Oysters do not ail.
F.-I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.-Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.-Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.-Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.-But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.-That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.-Beast! Give me air!
DOCTOR.-I have been thinking-
FOOL.-(Liar!)
D.-That you 'come out' rather well for a fool. Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.-Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.-Explain.
F.-Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
III.
SOLDIER (
FOOL.-I give it up.
S.-I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
