‘Would you like another?’ said Col.
‘Would I ever.’
He poured out a Famous Grouse, left the bottle on the bar.
‘Have you eaten lately?’
‘I’ve been a bit… preoccupied.’
‘If this case is proving too much-’
I slammed down the glass. ‘No. Col, everything’s fine.’
‘That’s clearly not so, Gus. You’ve been beaten, badly beaten. What’s going on?’
I filled my glass up, right to the brim.
‘Let’s grab a seat. I’ve something to tell you.’
‘Oh,’ he said.
‘Yeah, I, eh… well, you might not like what I have to say.’
Col called over to his part-timer, told her to mind the bar. She popped out a Hubba Bubba bubble, teetering on heels as she walked over.
‘We’ll take the snug, I think.’
‘Would be best.’
44
‘ You want to get those teeth seen to, Gus.’
‘What teeth? They’re all knocked out.’
‘Have you a dentist?’
Christ, a dentist. The days of me having a regular dentist, doctor or gym membership sounded like a lifetime ago.
‘Debs used to look after all that kind of thing. No, I don’t have a dentist.’
‘I’ll give you the number of mine. He’s good, a German fellah, very good.’
I drew on the Grouse. Felt like it heated my soul, had forgotten how much I actually enjoyed a Low Flying Birdie.
‘So, you said you had something to tell me.’
I put down the glass. ‘I do, yeah.’
Col sat quietly, closed his fingers together. I’d never noticed before, for such a gentle guy, his hands were huge.
‘It’s all got a bit more… complicated.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘It seems Billy was up to his neck in more than I first imagined.’
‘I knew it.’
‘Sorry?’
‘How that boy could have done this to his poor mother, I’ll never know.’
I hadn’t even told Col what I knew and already he’d fired up.
‘But, Col, we don’t know the extent of Billy’s involvement yet.’
‘Gus, I raised him. I know my boy.’
I waited for him to continue, but he seemed to be finished. I took up the story as I knew it. Mentioned all I’d found out. It seemed to me Col’s eyes glazed over. I wondered if he really did want to know the whole truth behind Billy’s death.
‘Col, is everything all right?’
‘Yes, fine — why do you ask?’
‘You seem a bit distant, that’s all.’
He shook himself, unclasped his hands. ‘I’m sorry. What you said the last time we spoke has, well — you know… it upset me a bit, I guess.’
I flattened my tone, said, ‘I told you, right at the start, Col, you don’t go digging like this without unearthing a few skeletons.’
‘I know. I know. It’s been hard to believe, though. He was my son. To hear he was involved in the likes of this — it hits you here.’ Col thumped on his chest. ‘I just want this concluded for his mother’s sake. Nothing else matters. She must know how it ended, she needs to see why Billy went the way he did.’
I sensed a colder side to Col than I had previously known. This whole episode had hit him hard. I hoped he’d be tough enough to take it the distance. I knew nothing good would be turned up from this point; there was no fairytale ending coming soon.
‘It’s only going to get worse. Are you up to this? The picture’s not a pretty one.’
‘Oh, yes.’ He perked up a little, managed a stock smile. ‘Yes, I wouldn’t worry about me, Gus. None of this is much of a surprise.’
‘ None of it?’
‘A figure of speech. What I’m saying is, I knew Billy had his… moments — always did. When he hitched up with that Nadja one, I saw there would be trouble. It was only a matter of time. I’ve been following his fall from grace you know.’
‘But like you say, he’s your son, it must be painful to hear it.’
‘ Was my son.’ Col stood up, his mood flipped again, he looked rattled. ‘By the way, I took down all those pictures of your father.’
I got the message loud and clear. I’d crossed the line. Took the swipe.
I stood up to face him, said, ‘Think I’ll go and get a cigarette.’
‘Okay.’
‘Look, I’m sorry if I, you know, said anything that’s… I know this is very upsetting for you.’
He collapsed back in his chair, shook before me. ‘Oh, God… what have I done?’
‘Col,’ I tried to coax him round, ‘come on, you’re made of strong stuff.’
‘God, I’m so, so sorry…’
‘Come on, here have a drink of this.’ I tried to get him to sip the whisky.
‘No, no — I’m fine, I’m fine really.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’ He trembled a little, then seemed to go completely calm again. ‘Gus, I’ve no right to put this pressure on you.’
‘I’ve good broad shoulders for this kinda thing.’
‘I’ve placed you in terrible danger. Billy’s sins are not your concern. I should never have asked you to take this up.’
The guy looked ruined. He’d taken himself to hell and back several times. I put a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m glad to help.’
‘No, Gus… I’ve a terrible feeling that this will all end badly. Very badly indeed.’
I squeezed his shoulder. ‘How bad could it get?’ I said.
45
Someone once said life’s all about letting things go. I wish I could let some of this go.
It’s 1982 and I’m fourteen. My father’s had the call up for the World Cup squad. The Evening News has him on the front and back page. My mother keeps a scrapbook, tapes Scotsport. He’s a Leith boy made good, now it’s official.
There’s traffic stopped in the street, men hanging out of car windows to shake his hand. I stand watching as my father is surrounded by people. They swarm to him, clapping and shouting, screaming for a word from the man
