“That’s just it,” she said. “I’m so tired of being afraid all the time. And now I’m starting to worry that is all that we are-our fears.”
“I don’t follow.”
“For most of my life, fear has been controlling me,” Kate replied. “Even before all of this that was true. It seems like the original human emotion. You start out in life scared of the world. Then you’re scared of the dark or that your parents will leave you or of being lost in the woods.
“When you are older, you get scared the other kids don’t really like you, that you will never fit anywhere, that you will never find the right guy. Then you get a guy and you become scared you will lose him. You raise children and are scared something will happen to the kids. You get a good job, you are scared the bosses won’t like you or you won’t get that promotion. All through your life, no matter how mature you become, there are a million things to be afraid of. It’s the emotion most central to our lives.”
“That may be true.”
“People always define themselves by their jobs, their families, or God knows what else. But I think they’re wrong. I think it is what you are afraid of that defines you, that shapes your behavior and tells you what to think. Call it an existential crisis, Quinn. I am what I fear. What I fear is me.
“And before you say it, I know that this is a weird time to be thinking of this. There are a million things that I should be thinking of and this just isn’t one of them.”
“Actually, I think it makes perfect sense,” Quinn said. He sat up and they faced each other sitting cross- legged. “But I think you are wrong. Our fears are not us. It is like any other emotion. It is what we do with it that counts.”
“But that’s just it. The other emotions aren’t dominant. I think fear is. And I think even when we believe we are controlling it, it is controlling us,” Kate replied.
“No,” Quinn said. “Look at you. You came back to Loudoun even though it was what you most fear in the world. You didn’t run when I asked you to. We are trying to find him before he finds us. You are facing your fear.”
“Am I?” Kate said. “Or am I just being stupid?”
“Maybe both,” Quinn said. Before she could protest, he continued. “I don’t think fear-or any one thing-runs our lives. Sometimes it does. And sometimes it is like the white noise on a TV screen: always there, but you can tune it out. It doesn’t matter what we are afraid of. All that matters is what we do about it.
“Take your example, the kid who is afraid others won’t like him. That is not the soul of that kid. It is how he responds to it-does he conform to be like the more popular kids or does he face the idea that they may dislike him and be himself anyway? Do you run from your past, from all the horrible things life has dished out for you, or do you do something about it?”
“But even if we win, even if we face down this guy and beat him, I will still be that scared little girl,” she said.
“You aren’t even that scared little girl now,” he replied. “Would she be here now? Could she have come back to Loudoun? And you are already stronger. The minute we admit to ourselves what we fear most and face it, we have a chance-maybe just a small one-to do something about it. And that is very powerful-that we are given a chance to break free of the things that haunt us, to conquer them and be stronger for it.”
She smiled and Quinn was struck again by how beautiful she was.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I must sound like an idiot.”
“No, you don’t,” she said. “I’m just wondering how I got so lucky. Of all the people to be stuck with in this… mess, I’m glad it was you.”
“Thanks,” he said, and desperately wanted to lean over and kiss her. But he didn’t. Surely this would be more awkward if he tried something.
“I have one other thing I’m afraid of that I haven’t admitted,” Kate said and glanced away.
“Come on,” he said. “Shoot.”
“Okay,” she said and took in a breath. “I’m afraid of what would happen if I kissed you right now. What it would mean for us and this? Whether it would be a terrible idea?”
Quinn needed no more encouragement than that. He leaned over, put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her softly on the lips. Everything else in his mind evaporated when she kissed him back. Before he knew it, he had moved closer and his arms were around her. For a moment, neither Quinn nor Kate thought about anything else.
When they broke apart, they both took a deep breath and looked at each other for a moment. Then Kate put her hand on the back of Quinn’s neck and pulled him down next to her on the bed.
They kissed again and Quinn felt the same current he had felt with her that very first week. Except now it was like he was holding his hand above a live wire and the voltage had been cranked up. He did not know what it meant, only that it felt good.
When they paused for air, Quinn held her for a moment and ran his hands through her hair. They were both out of breath.
“Should we stop?” he said finally, wanting to do anything but stop. “If we keep going, I don’t think we’ll be able to quit.”
“Who says we would want to?”
She gently rolled over on top of him and paused with her face millimeters from his.
“What are you doing?” Quinn asked.
“Facing our fears,” she said.
She smiled and kissed him again.
It started off slow. They kissed for what felt like forever: long, wet, lingering. Quinn knew immediately she was the best kisser he had ever known. She broke away from him and sat up. Slowly, he lifted her t-shirt off and began kissing her everywhere.
For the first time in weeks, Kate wasn’t thinking about her mother or her wrecked life. She wasn’t thinking about anything at all. She reached down and took off his t-shirt. Kate wanted to feel her flesh on his. They lay down together and slowly, all the clothes came off. She wanted this to go on forever, but she didn’t know if she could take it. She wanted him, more than she had ever wanted any man in her life. Just when she didn’t think she could take it anymore, she briefly pulled away.
“You okay?” he asked, and she loved him for it. His face was flush with excitement, but she knew if she asked him to stop, he would. He loved her and would do anything for her, even if that meant stopping. But stopping was the last thing she wanted.
She nodded and they began kissing again. Somewhere in the back of her mind there was a warning-a flash of a Tarot card with two lovers staring at each other while the Devil looked on. And a message: “Sex changes everything.”
But she wouldn’t-or couldn’t-stop. They were moving as one and it was like nothing she had ever felt. His touch was electric to her and her entire body felt a surge go through it. This was far beyond sex. Whatever was going on was joining them in more ways than the physical. She could feel what he felt, think what he thought.
Everything was becoming interlinked. As their bodies moved together, she was experiencing memories that weren’t hers. A first date with a girl she had never met, an awkward kiss in a college dorm room, the first time he had sex. It didn’t frighten her, it was like she was there, like she was Quinn. She saw the first time he saw her in the coffee shop, the way his heart raced, the way he had loved her even then.
This was dangerous. She should be frightened. She could tell that her every thought, every memory, was now inside of him as well. They were moving together faster, but it seemed to last forever. She thought she wouldn’t be able to think ever again.
And then it slowly receded.
Quinn was going to speak. He was going to ask what was going on. She knew that and didn’t want him to. She didn’t want to break the spell. He stopped without her saying anything and pulled away. When he left her, she felt unexpectedly empty.
When he lay down on the bed next to her, she pulled him to her and started kissing him again. It was even better than before. She felt everything he felt, every touch of her tongue. It was like being two people at once. There was no slow build up this time, they just immediately began making love again.
