you accuse the other of adultery?”
“There’s hardly been time, sir!” said Ivan indignantly.
“You would be amazed at the tales I have heard upon this dais. Lady Tej?”
“No, Count Vorpatril, sir.”
Falco paused. “Ah…or admit to it?”
They both shook their heads. Tej looked peeved. “Really!” she whispered to Ivan.
“Well, let’s see, what next. Desertion, obviously not. Nonsupport?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?” said Tej.
“Does your spouse supply you with adequate food, clothing, shelter, medical care?”
“Oh-yes, sir! Abundantly. Vorbarra Sultana cuisine is just amazing! I’ve gained a kilo since we got here. Lady Vorpatril’s dresser helped me find the right clothes, Ivan’s flat is very nice, and medical issues, um, haven’t come up.”
“We’d cover it,” Ivan assured her. “Whatever it was. God forbid, of course.”
“And I see you, too, are looking quite healthy, Captain Vorpatril…hm, hm. What else do we have here.” Falco… made play, Ivan was sure, of consulting some notes. Does he do this performance for every divorce petition, or are we special?
“Abuse-physical, mental, emotional?”
“Sir?” said Tej, staring up in palpable confusion.
“Does your husband beat you?”
“No!”
“Do you beat him?”
“No!” said Ivan. “Good grief, sir!”
“Does he insult you?”
“Certainly not!” Their voices overlapped on that one.
“Does Ivan restrict your mobility, your choices, your access to your family or friends?”
“He got me a groundcar permit, I have more choices than I know what to do with, and my family”-Tej bit her lip-“is out of reach for other reasons. Sir.”
“Ah. Yes,” said Falco. “Pardon an old Barrayaran’s clumsiness.”
“Sir.” Tej, startled and clearly moved by this apology, returned an uncertain nod. “There’s Rish. She’s the closest thing to family I have left. She lives with us.”
“So, we must cross off abuse, as well. What about denial of marital rights?”
“Sir?” said Tej. “What does that mean, in Barrayaran?”
Falco smiled. “When was the last time you had sex?” he clarified.
“Oh! This morning, sir.” Tej thought for a moment, then volunteered, “It was really good.”
Two snickers sounded from the back of the room. Ivan did not deign to turn his head.
“ And congratulations, Ivan,” Falco murmured under his breath.
You wily old bastard, why are you yanking us around like this? Ivan thought, but did not dare say it aloud.
“And so, what are we down to, here,” said Falco. “Hm, hm. Denial of children?”
Tej looked taken aback. “We’ve never discussed it.”
“It’s only a temporary marriage, sir,” Ivan said. “Children would be, er, rather permanent.”
“So we all hope and pray,” said Falco.
Tej twisted a strand of her hair in doubt. “Though I suppose if Ivan Xav wanted an egg donation, something could be arranged. My mother sold eggs, when she and my father were first married. To raise venture capital.”
Ivan rather thought all of the Barrayarans in the room blinked at this, even the ones behind him. He would not look around.
Falco recovered his balance and continued, “So, that one does not hold up, either. I’m afraid we’re reaching the bottom of my legal barrel here, Captain and Lady Vorpatril. Do either of you have anything else to offer?”
“But,” said Tej, in a confused voice, “it was the deal!”
“Yeah, there you go, sir!” said Ivan. “Breach-of-promise. That’s some kind of illegal, isn’t it?”
Falco’s bushy white eyebrows climbed. “Breach-of-promise, Ivan, is where an expectation of marriage is denied, not where an expectation of divorce is denied. Also, the complainant has to show palpable harm.” He looked them both over and just shook his head.
The clerk passed Falco a swiftly-scribbled note. He squinted, read it, and nodded. “Do either of you make any financial claims upon the other?”
“No,” said Tej, and “No,” said Ivan.
“Now, that is interesting. And nearly unique, if I may say so.” Falco sat back, sighing. At length, his tapping fingers stilled. He drew a breath. “It is the ruling of this Count’s Court that the respondents, Lord Ivan Xav Vorpatril and Lady Akuti Tejaswini Jyoti ghem Estif Arqua Vorpatril, have no grounds for the dissolution of their respective, freely spoken marital oaths. Your petition is denied. Case closed.”
The clerk reached over and banged the spear butt in its rest with two loud, echoing clacks.
Tej’s mouth had fallen open. Ivan was so stunned he could scarcely suck in air to sputter. “But, but, but…you can’t do that, sir!”
“Of course I can,” said Falco serenely. “That’s what I come here every session to do, in case you missed the turn, Ivan. Sit, listen to people, form and deliver judgments.” His smile stretched, endlessly it seemed. “I do this quite a lot, you know,” Falco confided to Tej. “Sometimes I begin to imagine I’ve heard it all, yet every once in a while there’s still some new surprise. Human beings are so endlessly variable.”
“But didn’t you say you’d talked to my mother?” said Ivan desperately.
“Oh, yes. At great length.” Falco leaned forward for the last time, his expression chilling down, and for a moment Ivan was conscious that he stood not before an elderly relative, but a count of Barrayar. “These are some words not from your mother. Do not ever again attempt to play fast and loose with solemn oaths in any jurisdiction of mine, Captain and Lady Vorpatril. If you should in the future acquire grounds for your petition, you may again bring it, but my court-which is very busy, I must point out, and has no time for frivolous suits-will not hear you again on the same matter in less than one-half year.”
“But,” moaned Ivan, still in shock. Even he wasn’t sure but what.
Falco made a finger-flicking gesture. “ Out, Ivan. Good day, Lady Tej. Countess Vorpatril hopes to see you both at Vorpatril House in the near future.”
Count Falco jerked his head at the sergeant-at-arms, who came forward and grasped Ivan by the sleeve, towing him gently but inexorably toward the door. Tej followed, bewilderment in every line of her body. A mob of people waiting to enter shouldered impatiently past them as they cleared the doorframe and stood, directionless, in the corridor, and the sergeant-at-arms turned his attention to herding the newcomers toward their respective benches. The door closed on the babble, although it opened again in a moment to emit the lawyer, papers and files stacked in her arms.
She twisted around her stack and reached into her case to extract a card, which she handed to Ivan. “My number, Captain.”
Ivan took it in numb fingers. “Is this…if we want legal advice?”
“No, love. It’s for if you ever want a date.” She trod away up the hall, laughing. By the time she reached the far end of the corridor, the echoes had died, but then she glanced back and her un-lawyerly giggles burst forth once more as she turned down the stairwell.
Holding onto each other like two people drowning, Ivan and Tej staggered out of the archaic building and into watery early-winter sunlight. Apparently, still married.
At least I was right about one thing, Ivan thought. It did only take ten minutes.
Chapter Thirteen
Tej paced up and down Ivan Xav’s living room. Ivan Xav sat with a drink in his hands, occasionally putting it down in favor of holding his head, instead. Rish perched on the couch with her feet drawn up, listening to their tale;
