may have given you.”
After he walked across the gallery and out the screen door and across the grass to the Humvee, oak leaves tumbling out of the sunlight onto his hair and dress shirt, she was so weak that she had to hold on to the doorjamb lest she fall down.
“What’s the matter?” Clete asked her. He was sitting in his swivel chair behind his office desk, one corner of his mouth downturned, his eyes veiled.
“I feel pretty stupid,” she answered. “No, worse than that. I hate myself.”
“Over what?”
“Pierre Dupree. He was just at my house,” she said.
Clete showed no expression. “Want to tell me about it?” he said.
She talked for ten minutes. His eyes looked into space while he listened. Through the window, she could see the bayou and, on the far side of it, a black man cutting the grass in front of the old convent. The grass had already started to turn pale with the coming of winter, and the flowers in the beds looked wilted, perhaps from an early frost. The cold look of the shade on the convent walls disturbed her in a way she couldn’t articulate. “I don’t understand my feelings,” she said. “I feel like something died inside me.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong,” Clete said.
“I liked it when he flattered me. I didn’t want him to go. If he’d stayed longer, I don’t know what would have happened. That’s not true. I would have let him-”
“You don’t know what you would have done, so stop thinking like that,” he said. “Listen, it’s natural to feel the way you do. We want to believe people when they say good things about us. We also want to believe they’re good people.”
“Something happened to me in the park in Lafayette. A little boy almost fell into the pond. His father was supposed to be watching him, but he had fallen asleep. Maybe I saved the little boy from drowning. Then I drove the family home. They’re real poor and having a hard time. I felt different about myself afterward. There was something about the family that made me feel changed inside. Or maybe it was because I helped them that I felt changed inside, I’m not sure.”
Clete put a stick of gum in his mouth and chewed. “Then Dupree shows up, and you don’t know if you’re supposed to forgive him or kill him?”
“That pretty much says it.”
“Don’t trust him. He’s no good.”
“He says he’s changed.”
“He had a woman at his house in the early A.M. today.”
She stared at him. “How do you know?”
“I was looking through his kitchen window with a telescopic sight at four this morning. The woman had a gold belt on. I couldn’t see her face. I don’t know who she was. She left with Dupree.”
“She was at his house all night?”
“That’s what it looked like.”
“What were you doing there?”
“I was thinking about taking out the old man. I was thinking about taking out Pierre, too. Right now I wish I had.”
“You’re not like that.”
“Don’t bet on it,” he said.
“I think maybe I should leave town, Clete.”
“Where will you go?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m causing trouble between you and your best friend. I made Alafair mad, too. If I stay here, eventually I’ll be arrested. I feel like my life is permanently messed up, and there’s no way out.”
“You’re worried because of the Jesse Leboeuf shooting?”
She nodded.
“Leboeuf was in the act of raping a female sheriff’s deputy. Whoever popped him probably saved her life. Don’t look out the window, look at me. Jesse Leboeuf was a bucket of shit, and everybody around here knows it. End of story.”
“You think Pierre was lying to me, all those things he said to me?”
She could see Clete trying to think his way around her question. “You’re beautiful and a great person on top of it,” he said. “He’s not telling you anything that anyone with eyes doesn’t already know. Don’t go near the bastard. If I see the guy, he’s going to have the worst day of his life.”
“I don’t want to hurt people anymore. I don’t want to be the cause of them getting hurt, either.”
“I let you down, Gretchen. There’s nothing worse than for a girl to grow up without a father. I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen. This guy isn’t going to get his hands on you.”
She stared emptily at the floor. “How do you think all of it is going to play out?”
“The guys who are behind all this think Dave and I know something we don’t. The same people think you’re a threat to them. If they have their way, we’re going to be bags of fertilizer.”
He took a Kleenex from a box on his desk and spat his gum in it and put the Kleenex in the wastebasket.
“Do you have bleeding gums?” she asked.
“Yeah, sometimes. I never brushed enough.”
“What are you hiding?”
“You’re worse than Dave. Look, the Bobbsey Twins from Homicide are forever. Now you’re one of us. That means you’re forever, too.”
“No, I’m not one of you. I killed people for money, Clete.”
He leaned forward on the desk, pointing his finger. “You did what you did because men molested and raped you as a child. You’re my baby girl, and anyone who says you’re not a wonderful young woman is going to have his voice box ripped out. Are we clear on this? Don’t let me hear you running yourself down again. You’re one of the best people I ever knew.”
She felt a lump in her throat that was so large, she couldn’t swallow.
From this point on in my narrative, I cannot be entirely sure of any of the events that transpired. It started to rain hard Thursday night, the kind of winter rain that in Louisiana is always followed by a cold front, one that descends out of the north as hard as a fist and limns the tops of the unharvested cane with frost and flanges the edges of the bayou with ice. It was the kind of weather I looked forward to as a boy, when my father and I hunted ducks down at Pecan Island, rising out of the reeds together, our shotguns against our shoulders, knocking down mallards and Canadian geese whose V formations were stenciled against the clouds as far as the eye could see. But those days were gone, and when Molly and I went to sleep at ten P.M. that Thursday, my dreams took me to places that seemed to have nothing to do with southern Louisiana and the barking of retrievers and the sounds the geese made when they plunged through the sheet of ice that surrounded our duck blind.
In the dream I saw a long stretch of clear green water in the Dry Tortugas, the pink and gray mass of old Fort Jefferson in the background, and down below a horseshoe-shaped coral reef that formed a bowl in which a cloud of hot blue water floated like ink poured from a bottle. The reef was strung with gossamer fans, and inside them I could see lobsters hiding in the rocks and the shadows of lemon sharks moving across the whiteness of the sand.
Then the water began to recede from the cusp of beach that surrounded the fort, exposing the ragged and crumbling foundation under it, the water dropping steadily as though someone had pulled a plug from a drain hole in the bottom of the ocean. The boat I was standing on descended with the water level until the keel settled on the seabed. I had expected to see coral-encrusted cannons and spent torpedoes and the wrecks of ancient ships and an undulating landscape that had the softly molded contours of a sand sculpture. I was mistaken. I was surrounded by a desert, and in the distance I could see the curvature of the earth dipping off the horizon into a hard blue sky unmarked by either clouds or birds. The sand was salted with volcanic grit and dotted with big lumps of basaltic rock and glimmering pools of a viscous green liquid that could have been chemical waste. There was no sign of life of any kind, not even the lobsters and the lemon sharks I had seen moments earlier inside the coral horseshoe. The
