Yet she was weighted with guilt. One more betrayal of her own Human kind for people who were not Human, or not altogether Human. She spoke to Jesusa as a much older sister?or as a same-sex parent. She advised her.
?Listen to Jodahs,? I heard her say on one occasion. ?Listen carefully. It will tell you what it wants you to know. It won?t lie to you. But it will withhold information. Once you?ve heard what it has to say, get away from it. Get out of the house. Go to the river or a short way into the forest. Do your thinking there about what it?s told you, and decide what questions you still need answers to. Then come home and ask.?
?Home?? Jesusa whispered so softly I almost failed to hear. They were outside the house, replacing the roof thatch. They were not near my room, but my mother probably knew I could hear them.
?You live here,? my mother said. ?That makes this home. It isn?t a permanent home for any of us.? She was good at evasion and withholding information herself.
?Would you go to Mars if you could?? Jesusa asked.
?Leave my family??
?If you were as I am. If you had no family.?
My mother did not answer for a long time. She sighed finally. ?I don?t know how to answer that. I?m content with these people. More than content. I lost my husband and my son before the war. They died in an accident. When the war came, I lost everything else. We all did, we elders, as you call us. I couldn?t give up and die, but I expected almost nothing. Food and shelter, maybe. An absence of pain. Nikanj said it knew I needed children, so it took seed from the man I had then and made me pregnant. I didn?t think I would ever forgive it for that.?
?But
you have forgiven it??
?I?ve understood it. I?ve accepted it. I wouldn?t have believed I could do that much. Back when I met my first mature ooloi, Nikanj?s parent Kahguyaht, I found it alien, arrogant, and terrifying. I hated it. I thought I hated all ooloi.?
She paused. ?Now I feel as though I?ve loved Nikanj all my life. Ooloi are dangerously easy to love. They absorb us, and we don?t mind.?
?Yes,? Jesusa agreed, and I smiled. ?I?m afraid, though, because I don?t understand them. I?ll go to Mars if I don?t stay with Jodahs. I can understand settling a new place. I know what to expect from a Human husband.?
?Look at my family, Jesusa?and realize you?re only seeing six of our children. This is what you can expect if you mate with Jodahs. There?s closeness here that I didn?t have with the family I was born into or with my husband and son.?
?But you have Oankali mates other than Nikanj.?
?You will, too, eventually. With Jodahs, I mean. And your children will look much like mine. And half of them will be born to an Oankali female, but will inherit from all five of you.?
After a time, Jesusa said, ?Ahajas and Dichaan aren?t so bad. They seem
very gentle.?
?Good mates. I was with Nikanj before they were?like you with Jodahs. That?s best, I think. An ooloi is probably the strangest thing any Human will come into contact with. We need time alone with it to realize it?s probably also the best thing.?
?Where would we live??
?You and your new family? In one of our towns. I think any one of them would eventually welcome the three of you. You?d be something brand-new?the center of a lot of attention. Oankali and constructs love new things.?
?Jodahs says it had to go into exile because it was a new thing.?
?Is that what it said, really??
Silence. What was Jesusa doing? Searching her memory for exactly what I had said? ?It said it was the first of its kind,? she said finally. ?The first construct ooloi.?
?Yes.?
?It said there weren?t supposed to be any construct ooloi yet, so the people didn?t trust it. They were afraid it would not be able to control itself as an ooloi must. They were afraid it would hurt people.?
?It did hurt some people, Jesusa. But it?s never hurt Humans. And it?s never hurt anyone when it?s had Humans with it.?
?It told me that.?
?Good. Because if it hadn?t, I would have. It needs you more than Nikanj ever needed me.?
?You want me to stay with it.?
?Very much.?
?I?m afraid. This is all so different
. How did you ever
? I mean
with Nikanj
. How did you decide??
My mother said nothing at all.
?You didn?t have a choice, did you??
