her cousins had erected with their muttering. They'd shut her in with their gullibility, and she was all the more resentful when Hugh said 'Can't you feel it now?'
'What do you want me to feel?'
'He's talking to everyone, Charlotte. It isn't just about you.'
Ellen's stare suggested that her face – indeed, her whole body – was somewhere she was desperate not to be. Hugh's eyes jittered in their sockets as though nothing they showed him were capable of reassuring him. He and Ellen were aggravating their own problems, Charlotte thought, and so would she unless she told them so. She was taking a breath when Rory spoke.
At least, the sound had ambitions to be a word. It was certainly the best he could achieve along the lines of a refusal or a denial. It was feebler than his previous cry, not loud enough to bring any of the hospital staff. Hugh and Ellen might have imagined that he was sinking deeper into a nightmare, so deep that it swallowed most of his plea, but wasn't it equally likely that he was protesting about the arguments around him? 'It's getting worse for him as well,' Hugh said. 'We've got to do something while there's time.'
Ellen seemed reluctant, though by no means as much as Charlotte, to ask 'What?'
'We can talk about that on the way. We have to go back.'
His gaze strayed towards footsteps approaching down the ward. Charlotte hoped they belonged to a nurse or someone more authoritative who might intervene somehow, but it was Annie. 'Going somewhere nice?' she said.
TWENTY-SIX
Ellen felt less alone for having admitted the truth about Thurstaston until Hugh whispered 'Everyone else should stay here. I'll go.'
'Rory doesn't have much choice, Hugh,' Charlotte said.
'I know that,' Hugh muttered as if reproving her for a tasteless joke. 'That's why I'm going. I mean you two.'
'So you can't be as bad as you think you are.'
'I don't follow.'
'That's all you seem to have been doing lately.'
'Why are you being like this, Charlotte?' Ellen gripped her toadstool knees through the inadequate concealment of her trousers to keep her detestable hands from invading her vision. 'How do you think it can help?'
'I'm simply saying if Hugh's able to go all that way by himself he can't very well be as disoriented as I've been imagining he is.'
'You sound as if you want him to be.'
Charlotte hunched her shoulders as if clenching her body around her thoughts. Perhaps she was miming her awareness of Annie at her back, since she said almost inaudibly 'If we're going to argue, let's do it outside.'
'Why do we have to at all?' Hugh said as low. 'That's what he wants.'
Charlotte stared at him and opened her mouth, then twisted around on her chair. 'Annie, could you call us if there's any change? We just want to step into the corridor for a few minutes.'
'You go and have your conference. That's what families are for.' Annie patted her husband's unresponsive hand, perhaps in memory of a discussion or many of them. 'Your Rory's safe with me,' she said.
Hugh glanced nervously out of the window as he stood up once his cousins had. Ellen saw Annie watching her with a mixture of concern and encouragement that she might have directed at a patient who had risen from one of the beds. She trudged after Charlotte with Hugh at her heels, but Charlotte stopped short of the exit and swung around. 'You know what we should do while we have the chance.'
'Sounds like you're going to tell us,' Hugh said rather than invited.
Charlotte turned to the sister behind the desk. 'I wonder if there's anyone we could consult? I've developed a bad case of claustrophobia. Hugh's sense of direction has gone haywire, hasn't it, Hugh, and . . .'
Ellen heard the words flinch from describing her. If even Charlotte couldn't find any for her, Ellen's state must be worse than she knew. Sheer professionalism let the sister hide her revulsion as she gazed at Ellen while telling Charlotte 'We should have people you can see.'
'Can we now?' Hugh said.
'You'd have to make appointments, I'm afraid.'
'How soon?' As he grew red-faced with impatience or with embarrassment at sounding childish, he added 'I mean how soon will they be for?'
'I couldn't speak for our consultants, but –'
'Today?'
'No, not today. I shouldn't think this week.'
'That's no use. It's too late.'
'Well, I'm very sorry,' the sister said, perhaps unaware that he'd addressed the complaint to Charlotte.
Charlotte left it until she'd bustled him out of the ward as if dealing with an impolite child. Once the doors shut behind Ellen as well Charlotte said 'I come back to what I was saying. You can't be as bad as you've been making us worry you are if you can do without medical help.'
'If it's only a nightmare I ought to be able to live with it, shouldn't I? I'll have to for Rory's sake.'
As Ellen realised she didn't agree with him or Charlotte, Hugh managed to direct his gaze at her. 'Not just his,' he said.
'You can't use us as an excuse,' Charlotte said, 'if you won't tell us what you're proposing to do.'
'I wouldn't say he was making excuses, Charlotte.'
'All right then, reason, though I don't think that particularly fits either. Maybe I will if you tell us, Hugh.'
'We don't want you going off by yourself without a plan,' Ellen said, 'and no idea what you may be facing.'
'I'll find him and dig him out if you tell me where. He won't like that. I bet he doesn't like the light, in fact I know he won't.'
'Hugh,' Charlotte said as though she wanted to compete with Ellen at gentleness. 'A few minutes ago you were acting as if you thought someone was outside the window. I'm assuming that was supposed to be the same person.'
Hugh's gaze veered left and right along the corridor. He might have been searching for the person referred to, if not a way to escape the interrogation, as he said 'I wish we were in one of your books and things would be simpler.'
'Books aren't as simple as all that. You should try writing one sometime,' Ellen said and felt ashamed of turning on him. 'Anyway, no need to get confused. Take my word, he's in the cliff. If he seems to be anywhere else as well that'll just be part of the nightmare.'
'So at least now you're accepting things aren't real,' Charlotte said. 'You tell her, Hugh.'
'We're all living in our nightmares,' Hugh said, struggling to keep his gaze on Ellen. 'Is that what you mean?'
'I'm asking you to tell her whether she needs to starve herself.'
'Of course you don't, Ellen.' Hugh's eyes grew moist if no more stable. 'You mustn't,' he pleaded. 'Look at you.'
Ellen found her lips difficult to operate, proof that they were as thick as they felt. 'I'd rather not,' she succeeded in pronouncing.
'We are,' Charlotte assured her, 'and what do we see? Tell her, Hugh. This is a lot more important than going off.'
His eyes had lost their way again. Ellen watched him drag his gaze back to her as he said 'You're thin enough. You're too thin. Don't be any more.'
'He's right, Ellen. You must see that,' Charlotte said, but then she looked away from Ellen. 'What's the matter with her?'
