'Big for a box, small for a car. It's what you might call an apocryphal story.'
'It never really happened,' Billy de Vere said. 'This elephant was trained to sit on red boxes, see, and one day someone came and parked near her.'
'In a red Volkswagen,' Aldo said. 'Surely you've heard it?'
'Or Fiat.'
'And she sat on it.'
'An elephant sat on my car?' Harry said glumly. 'You're laughing because an elephant sat on my car.' He had never heard the story before. He was not interested in precedents. All he could see was that he had suffered an outlandish misfortune and that these people were sitting there laughing at him because of it. In Milanos!
'You've opened a bottle of Armagnac because my car has been ruined. What sort of place is this?' he said to Aldo.
'Look on the bright side,' Aldo told him darkly. 'You're not dying. You're drinking good Armagnac, and you are the first person whose car has really been sat on by an elephant. What a story. You like stories. Come on,' he gave Harry a little more Armagnac, 'drink up. Have fun.'
'Your insurance will pay,' Billy de Vere said. 'We have witnesses.'
'You are a ninny,' Aldo said, talking to Harry as he might talk to any customer who irritated him.
'A what?' said Harry, who had never been spoken to like this.'
'Ninny,' Aldo said, his eyes dark and dangerous.
Later Aldo was to regret this, to realize that he had gone too far, even for him, and that marihuana and Armagnac can be a tricky combination.
'A moony ninny,' he said, wilfully tormenting his best and oldest customer. 'A dill, a drongo, a silly-billy.'
It was to prey on Aldo's mind, and later, when he was dying, he tried to get a message to Harry Joy, but by then Harry Joy was nowhere to be found.
'A dingo,' he called after the departing figure in the white suit. 'A po-face,' he told Billy de Vere, 'a dim-wit, a 'poo-pant,' but by then he was laughing too much and further speech became impossible. Through a curtain of tears he watched Billy de Vere pour himself another Armagnac.
'Look at this fucking cretin, will you,' Senior Constable Box said.
He brought the patrol car into the lane beside the crushed Fiat 500 which was making a painful-sounding 50 kilometres an hour. Sitting behind its wheel, his head and shoulders emerging from its crumpled sunshine roof like the tank commander in some private war, his white suit splashed with the black grime from passing buses, his hair slicked and flattened by the heavy rain, was a man with the profile of the god :Krishna.
'Give him a wave,' said Box who was probably not tech-nically drunk. Hastings closed his eyes and sighed. Box was giving him the shits.
'Watch ...'
Box tooted the horn and waved and the lunatic waved back, smiling and nodding.
'O.K.,' Hastings said, 'that'll do. Stop fucking about with him. Pull him over.' And he made Box get out in the rain and talk to him while he watched the conversation in the rear-view mirror.
Presently Box came back, opened the door, and burped.
'What is it?'
'He said an elephant sat on it,' said Box, grinning.
'Is he a smart arse or a looney?'
'Don't know.'
'Take him back to the station.'
'I'm not going in that,' Box said.
'Nobody is going in that,' Hasting said slowly. 'It is an unroadworthy vehicle. Now will you ask the gentleman if he would like to accompany us to the station in a nice new car?'
The police station was not what he had expected. It was like a house. A small neat path ran between borders of flowers. A sprinkler threw little jewels of water through the rain. The sun came out as they walked up the path. Harry, Senior Constable Box and the second policeman who had not introduced himself.
Inside the station innocent people filled out applications for drivers' licences. They took Harry through a side door and down a passage. They took him to a room at the end of the passage and left him alone. There was a table in the middle, scuffed vinyl tiles on the floor, a kitchen sink in one corner, and a number of kitchen chairs which had the appearance of newly delivered furniture. The wall had two different types of cream paint: shiny at the bottom and flat above the shoulder line. Sellotaped to the wall was a small printed sign which explained, in ten sarcastic points, how to produce a juvenile delinquent. A light with a frilly shade hung above the table, on which were an ashtray full of butts and a coffee cup with lipstick on it.
There was a curtain rod but no curtain. Harry sat on one of the chairs and looked out the window. He was wet and mis-erable. Water dripped on to the floor. Outside the window there was a clothesline and a young woman was hanging clothes on it. Harry watched her peg a pair of very large pyjamas on to the wire, a brown sock with a diamond pattern, and three small pairs of white panties.
A small fair-haired boy dragged a yellow plastic red-wheeled tricycle across the grass beneath the clothesline. It was all wrong. Water dripped from Harry Joy as he waited for his punishment.
After ten minutes the second policeman entered the room. He was Sergeant David Hastings but he still did not introduce himself. David Hastings had also been born in a small country town. Looking at him you could still see the fair-haired boy with sandshoes on his feet and scabs on his short, skinny legs. His face was freckled, his hair stood up at the back, and although he no longer blushed as readily as he had, his face would still go red when he felt he was being mucked around. A gentle glow suffused his face.
'Now, Harold,' he said, 'here's a cup of coffee.'
'Thank you.'
David Hastings pulled up a chair and sat with his back to the window. 'We're very busy,' he said slowly, playing with his own cup of coffee, turning the cup a full 360 degrees on its saucer. 'We don't have time to muck around.'
Harry patted his pocket, hoping that the marihuana had somehow vanished, but when Hastings looked pointedly at his hand he pulled it away as if he’d scorched himself.
'Now, Harold, would you just tell us the truth about your accident and everything will be O.K. You'll get a little fine and we'll phone your wife to come and get you.'
'I told him.'
'Tell me,' encouraged the policeman, his face becoming a little redder.
'An elephant sat on it.'
The policeman closed his eyes and sighed. 'Oh Harold,' he said, 'don't be silly. If you're going to tell stories to the police, tell us something original. Don't come and tell us old elephant stories, and if you do, get the car changed. The car in the story was a Volkswagen.'
'An elephant sat on it,' Harry insisted, but he no longer believed the story himself, 'The guy from the circus came and told me.'
'Name being .. . ?' Hastings opened his notebook with a tired flick of the hand. But all Harry could see was de Vere drinking Armagnac and his name would not appear.
'I forget.'
Outside the small boy rode his tricycle into a wet sheet. He stayed immobile with the sheet wrapped around him, blowing little white linen bubbles. The sun shone brightly, illuminating the white-wrapped boy and the three wheels of the tricycle.
'Weren't you going to claim insurance? Didn't you write down his name?'
Harry didn't say anything. He knew he was in for it. He had been planted with drugs and he could only wait for his punishment. He started to think about the two different kinds of cream paint they used on the walls, the flat above, the gloss below. It was the same scheme they had used at school. He didn't like the flat paint. It reminded him of finger nails being dragged across a blackboard.
He pulled a face, remembering it.
'What's that in aid of?' David Hastings stood up, took Harry's coffee, and walked over to the sink where he emptied it.
'What?'
