drive up, everything awful that Marina could possibly want to say to him, in the hope that whatever it was he would be prepared for and it wouldn’t feel so bad. Her finding someone else was the worst thing he came up with. And no amount of preparation made hearing those words any easier.
Phil just nodded, waited. Kept nodding.
The waitress brought the water. The bottle stood there on the table, untouched.
Marina looked away from Phil, down at the table. ‘It’s Tony.’
Tony. Marina’s ex-partner. Bludgeoned nearly to death by a killer Phil and Marina had been hunting. Just before Marina had a chance to tell him she was leaving him. So that was it, he thought.
Phil blinked, startled. ‘Tony?’
‘Tony. I…’ Another sigh. ‘I… he’s just lying there. And I keep…’ Her fingers began working on the napkin. ‘I just… I have to make a decision, Phil. He’s lying there on that life-support system and they want me to make a decision. They want me to turn it off.’
Phil’s voice was quiet, calm. ‘Is this why you ran away from me?’
She nodded, fingers now shredding the napkin.
‘But… surely we could have worked this out together…’
Marina looked up, directly at him, eye to eye. Hers were red-rimmed, wet, only the public place holding back full on tears. ‘No. I have to do it. It’s my decision. D’you understand? ’
‘You tell me,’ he said.
‘I can’t do it,’ she said. ‘I just can’t bring myself to switch off that life-support system, to, to… acknowledge he’s dead, really, finally dead, once and for all.’
Phil leaned forward. ‘D’you think there’s a chance he could come back? Is that it?’
She wiped her eyes quickly with the back of her hand, determined not to let any tears fall. She shook her head. ‘No. No, that’s not it. At least I don’t think so, no…’ She shook her head once more. ‘It’s the guilt. It’s… it’s…’ Her voice dropped. ‘Crippling me.’
And that was just how her voice sounded, he thought. Twisted, crippled. ‘The decision?’
She shook her head once more. ‘Not just… no. It’s… eating me away, gnawing inside me… the guilt. I can’t… can’t move forward, can’t… enjoy… myself, my life, or allow myself to enjoy life, until I make that decision. Until I let him go.’ Her head dropped once more, shoulders heaved, like she was bearing a huge weight. She kept her gaze on the table. ‘And I can’t let him go…’
Phil said nothing, taking in her words. He picked up the bottle of water, unscrewed it, poured it into the two glasses.
Neither drank.
Phil kept looking at her. When he spoke his voice was still calm and controlled, the opposite of the emotions raging inside him. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘What about this. If Tony hadn’t… if he wasn’t where he is now, if he had never been attacked, if he was still… I don’t know, with us… what would you do?’
She frowned. ‘What d’you mean?’
‘Just that. What would you do? What would you be doing?’
‘I’d…’ She sighed, shook her head, looked away once more.
‘You were going to leave him, Marina. Tell him you didn’t love him any more and leave him. Weren’t you?’
She nodded, head still bowed.
‘For me?’ He made it a question.
She nodded once more.
‘Why?’ His voice was even quieter, calmer. The kind he used in interviews, the one that made people open up to him, trust him.
‘Because… I love you…’
He risked a small smile. ‘That it? That’s all?’
She shook her head once more, looked up. ‘No. Because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Because I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you. Because I’d never met anyone like you.’
‘Who was so like you, you mean.’
She nodded. ‘And because I was pregnant with your child.’
‘Our child.’
‘Our child. And you’re the love of my life.’ She turned away, words choked off by sobs.
Phil waited until she had composed herself. ‘Tony knew you’d leave him, Marina. He was older than you. He was your teacher, what you needed at that stage in your life. He knew you weren’t going to stay with him forever. That you’d go eventually. He expected it. Might not have welcomed it or been looking forward to it, but he expected it.’
Marina wiped her eyes, her nose, with the crumpled and torn paper napkin, her head still bowed. Phil reached across the table, took her hands in his.
‘Isn’t that the problem?’ he said. ‘The fact that you never got to say that to him? That you never gave that relationship closure?’
She pulled her hands away. ‘It’s not just that,’ she said, sniffing. ‘He’s in a coma because of me.’ She looked up, directly at him. Her eyes raw with emotion. ‘And you too, Phil.’
‘How?’
‘Because if we had never met, if I’d never come to work with you, if none of that had happened, Tony would still be alive.’
‘And you’d still be unhappy.’ He leaned forward again. Reached out for her hands once more. Held them tight. ‘I understand you, Marina. That’s not arrogance on my part. I understand you because you understand me. More than anyone I’ve ever met. I know your mind because it’s like my mind. I know what’s in it. I know the damage in there.’
She flinched at his words, but didn’t interrupt.
‘That damage stops you from thinking you’re worth anything. Worthy of happiness. Well, you are.’ He held her hands tighter. She didn’t pull away. ‘And this might be the only chance we get. And we have to take it.’
She looked straight at him, no tears, listening to everything he said.
‘What was that you once said to me?’ he said. ‘All psychologists are just looking for a way home? I’m offering you that way home, Marina. It might not be easy, we’ve got tough decisions to make, but it’s real. It’s there.’ He sat back, still holding her hands. ‘D’you want to take it?’
Marina said nothing. Just looked at him.
‘Say no and I walk away,’ he said. ‘Forever. From you and our daughter. Forever. It’ll hurt like hell but if that’s what you want, that’s what I’m prepared to do. But say yes and we go home. Today. And face whatever we have to face together. Up to you.’
He let her hands slip from his. Waited.
He hadn’t intended to say all of that. Or even half of that. And he wasn’t the kind of person who would come out with something like that normally. But he had never met anyone like Marina before. She was special. She was worth fighting for.
She said nothing. He wondered if he had gone too far.
He sighed. Waited.
The food arrived. The plates were placed before them. Neither took any notice, not even looking at the waitress.
Phil waited. Could feel his heart breaking.
Eventually Marina spoke. ‘Yes,’ she said, her voice small but strong. ‘Yes. I’m coming home with you.’
Phil reached across the table, grinning, grabbed her hands and squeezed. He hadn’t felt so happy in ages.
He inhaled. The food smelled delicious.
‘I’m starving,’ he said. And smiled.
Marina smiled back. Looking as happy as he did.
77
