Bitterblue

'Po,' said Bitterblue, disturbed that he was publicly displaying his own ability, even though she knew he was pretending that Lady Fire was talking to him mentally. Wasn't he? Or maybe she was talking to him mentally, and if so, did Lady Fire know what Po was? Wouldn't that make her a thousand times more dangerous? Or—Bitterblue grasped her forehead. Had Bitterblue, sitting here, thinking about it all, revealed Po's secret to Lady Fire?

Po's hand found its way around Katsa to Bitterblue's shoulder. 'Take a breath, Cousin,' he said. 'This comes on the tail of too many horrible days. I believe this will seem like good news once you've had the time to absorb it.'

I remember the day we all sat in a circle on this library floor, she thought to him. The world was far smaller then, and still too big.

Every day is so overwhelming.

The pale fellow was trying to talk again, saying something about how they were all sorry to have arrived during horrible days. Bitterblue raised her eyes and peered at him as he spoke, trying to place something.

'Whenever you talk,' she said, 'there's something familiar about it.'

'Yes, Lady Queen,' agreed Death dryly. 'Perhaps that's because it's a stronger version of the accent spoken by your healer Madlen.'

Madlen, thought Bitterblue, staring at the man. Yes, how odd that he sounds like Madlen. And how odd that he's pale with amber eyes like Madlen. And—

My Graceling healer, Madlen.

There are no Gracelings in the Dells.

But Madlen has only one eye.

Just like that, one of Bitterblue's anchors in this world turned, suddenly, into a perfect stranger.

'Oh,' she said dumbly. 'Oh dear.' She thought of all the books in Madlen's room and found the answer to another question. 'Death,' she said. 'Madlen saw Leck's journals on my bed, then that dictionary appeared on your shelf. The dictionary is Madlen's.'

'Yes, Lady Queen,' said Death.

'She told me she came from the far east of Estill,' Bitterblue said. 'Fetch her. Someone fetch her.'

'Allow me, Lady Queen,' Helda said, in a dark voice that made Bitterblue glad she was not Madlen at this moment.

Helda pushed herself up and swept off, and Bitterblue stared at her guests. They'd all gone over a trifle sheepish.

'Lady Fire apologizes, Bitterblue,' Katsa said. 'She says that it's embarrassing to be caught spying, but regrettably, not spying is never an option, as no doubt you understand.'

'I understand that it makes for an interesting definition of the peace they claim to come in,' said Bitterblue. 'Did they make Madlen take out her own eye?'

'No,' said Lady Fire emphatically.

'Never,' added Katsa. 'Madlen lost her eye as a child, doing an experiment with liquids and a powder that exploded. It made it possible for her to pretend.'

'But how does she heal so well? Are all healers in the Dells truly so gifted?'

Katsa translated. 'Medical knowledge is highly advanced there, Bitterblue. Medicines grow there that we don't have here, especially in the west, which is where Madlen is from, and science is paramount. Madlen has been kept supplied with the best Dellian medicines during her time here, to keep up her pretense.'

Science, Bitterblue thought. Real science. I would like that kind of progress in my kingdom, in a sane manner, without delusion. Suddenly, she loved Po for his stupid paper glider, because it was based on reality.

Then Madlen came into the alcove. First, she went to Lady Fire and kissed the woman's hand, murmuring something in their language. Then she rounded the table to Bitterblue and fell to both knees. 'Lady Queen,' she said, bowing her head, speaking thickly. 'I hope you'll forgive me for deceiving you. I have not liked to do so. At every moment, I've not liked it, and I hope you'll allow me to stay on as your healer.'

Bitterblue understood then, something about how a person could lie and tell the truth at the same time. Madlen had made something of a fool of her. But Madlen's care of Bitterblue's body, and of her heart, had been genuine.

'Madlen,' she said, 'I'm relieved. I was steeling myself against the possibility of losing you.'

THE TALK CONTINUED. Bitterblue's concept of the world had never been stretched like this before, and she was a bit light-headed.

The Dellians described what it had been like to discover a world to their west. The Dells knew war, and the Dellian king had no wish for it. And so, discovering a land of seven kingdoms in which too many of the kings were warmongers, the Dellians had chosen secret exploration, rather than making themselves immediately known.

They were exploring eastward as well.

'The Pikkians have a sizable navy,' Katsa explained, 'and the Dellians have been growing their navy slowly as well. They've been exploring their coastline and waters, Bitterblue.'

They'd brought maps. A squat, tough-looking woman named Midya did her best to explain them. The maps showed wide expanses of land and water and, in the north, unnavigable ice.

'Midya is a famous naval explorer, Bitterblue,' said Katsa.

'Does that make her Pikkian or Dellian?'

'Midya has a Dellian mother, and her father was Pikkian,' said Katsa. 'Technically, she's Dellian, because that's where she was born. I'm told there's a great deal of intermingling, especially in recent decades.'

Intermingling. Bitterblue looked around the table, at these people who'd come together in her library alcove. Monseans, Middluners, Lienid, Dellians, Pikkians. Gracelings . . . and whatever Lady Fire was.

'Lady Fire is what is called a 'monster,'' said Katsa quietly.

'Monster,' Bitterblue said. 'Ozhaleegh.'

Every Dellian speaker at the table looked up and stared.

'Excuse me,' Bitterblue said, standing, walking away from the table. Pushing herself a good distance away. She found a dark place behind some bookshelves and sat on the rug in a corner.

She knew what would happen. Po would come to her, or send to her whoever he felt was the right person. But it wouldn't help, because no one was right. No one living, anyway. She didn't want to cry on anyone's living shoulder or be told bracing things. She wanted to be out of this world, in a meadow of wildflowers, or a forest of white trees, not knowing about the terrible things happening around her, a baker girl, with a mother who did needlework. Could she have that one back again? Could she have it for real?

The person who came was Lady Fire. Bitterblue was surprised that Po had sent her. Until, looking at the lady, she wondered if perhaps she had been calling for Lady Fire herself.

Fire knelt before Bitterblue. Bitterblue was suddenly frightened, terrified of this beautiful, old, creaky-kneed woman in brown; terrified of the impossible hair that tumbled around her shoulders; terrified of how much she wanted to look into this woman's face and see her own mother. Knowing, suddenly, that this was why Fire had mesmerized Bitterblue from that first moment: Because the love she felt when she looked into Fire's face was the love she had known once for her mother. And this wasn't right. Her mother had deserved that love and her mother had suffered and fought and died because of it. This woman had done nothing but walk into a courtyard.

'You have drugged me with false feeling for you,' Bitterblue whispered. 'That is your power.'

A voice came to her, inside her head. It was not words, but she understood it perfectly.

Your feelings are real, it said. But they're not for me.

'I feel them for you!'

Look closer, Bitterblue. You love fiercely, and you carry a queen's share of sadness. When I'm near, my presence overwhelms you with all that you feel—but I'm only the music, Bitterblue, or the hanging or the sculpture. I make your feelings swell, but it's not me you feel them for.

Bitterblue began to cry again. Fire offered her own furry, brown sleeve to wipe Bitterblue's tears. Gathering the softness to her face, allowing herself to sink into it, Bitterblue was connected, for a moment, to this singular creature who had come when she'd called, and been kind when she'd made herself unpleasant. 'If you wanted to,' Bitterblue whispered, 'you could go into my mind and see all that's in there. And steal it, and change it to whatever