up a major organ.
'I want this written up by the time I leave my office tomorrow,' he warned.
She nodded almost imperceptibly. It was Standard Operating Procedure to get RODed after an Officer Involved Shooting. A statement and a written report immediately after a shooting was SOP also. Frank had been in an OIS before, but she'd never killed anyone. She knew she'd have to talk to Clay or another LAPD shrink before she'd be cleared for work, if and when OIS signed off on her.
Foubarelle left with a parting glare, and Frank crossed her arms. She asked Noah, 'You want a shot, too?'
'Nope.' He paced the tiny room in two steps, his big hands jammed tight into his pockets.
There was silence except for Noah's agitated pacing. Finally he stopped and stared at the floor.
'You know, I should have said something this morning. I mean, it just didn't feel good to me, her going in there. She should have been back at HQ, I mean, it wasn't her bust, or her squad. Hell, even her division. I don't know. It just seemed wrong. But I let you talk me out of it. I gave in. I deferred to you.'
Noah said the word like an insult, then he looked squarely at his boss, his friend. 'Tell me you didn't have your own reasons for dragging her in there, Frank.'
Like a mantra, Frank reiterated her reasoning. 'Reston's a bad area. They hate us there. I wanted as much force behind us as I could get. I—'
'That's a load of shit, Frank, and you know it. We had plenty of back-up without her.'
'I've got that kid sitting out there as psycho-bait,' Frank continued wearily. 'I didn't think it was too much to see her in action.'
Noah spluttered, 'Well, you saw her, didn't you?'
Frank reached around to the back of her neck. Thinking the best defense was a good offense, she tried turning the tables.
'I don't get why you're so defensive about her. You got a hard-on for her or something?'
Noah almost choked.
On top of all she'd been carrying for the last couple of hours, that was the straw that finally broke her. Adrenaline spurted into her bloodstream again, and Frank literally saw red. Her hands closed into bloodless fists. In a tight, barely audible voice, she warned Noah that he'd definitely crossed a line.
'Oh, did I? Well maybe it's about time, Frank! Take a fucking look around!'
It was already cramped in the tiny office, but Noah stepped even closer to Frank, mad-dogging her from only inches away. She was solid, livid fury, but he didn't back down.
'Just explain it to me, Frank. For Christ's sake, what the fuck is going on with you?'
Frank knew she could take him. A left uppercut, a right to his gut, and he'd fall like a rock. She held her stance for a long, taut moment. While she deliberated, some of her anger drained off. It felt curiously like standing in the surf as the breakers pulled away. Frank closed her eyes and bowed her head. She sagged against the edge of the desk, knocking over a pencil cup. Noah took up the space she'd left, insisting, 'Talk to me, Frank.'
Resisting Noah was taking more strength than Frank had. She asked resignedly, 'What do you want to know?'
'Why do you hate her so much? What did she ever do to you?'
Frank dropped her face into her hands. From behind them she said, 'I don't hate her.'
'Well, you sure as shit don't like her. And I
Frank worked her fingers against her skin for a long time. Finally she straightened up and combed her hands back through her hair, locking them behind her neck. She looked everywhere, except at Noah.
She wondered how Kennedy was doing, wondered if a doctor was trying to find her. Then she realized the nurse would know where she was. There was nothing to do but wait. And answer Noah. All the fight was out of him now; he looked as tired as Frank felt. She fished around the room again, hoping for something, anything, to distract her. Finding nothing, she settled for the imaginary ring on her finger. It was hard enough admitting to herself how Kennedy made her feel. She didn't know if she could actually say it out loud.
'Look, No. Let's just drop this, okay? I made a mistake. You were right, I was wrong. I should have listened to you. I didn't. I'm sorry.'
'Frank, don't placate me. I'm asking as your friend. And I'm asking as a cop. I don't know what's going on with you, but whatever it is it might have gotten Kennedy killed today.'
Noah's jabs were right on target, each one a TKO. It was Mag all over again. Frank's fault. If only she'd gotten the half-and-half on the list, if only she'd gone into the liquor store like Mag had asked. If only she'd left Kennedy behind like Noah asked her to.
Frank shut her eyes, running her hand against the tightness in her neck. Walking around the desk she slumped into a chair, wondering how things had gotten so out of hand. Noah was still staring.
'Alright. That first day? I don't know. She just pissed me off. Right off the bat. She was so...young. So arrogant. She didn't have a nerve in her body. She just threw me off, for some reason. And there you were, acting like she was the greatest thing since Mickey-D's.'
'You were jealous?' Noah asked incredulously. He dragged the only other chair in the room around the desk and hunkered across from Frank, their knees almost touching. Frank shut her eyes, wishing she could just succumb to the exhaustion pulling at her.
'I wouldn't say jealous...resentful's better. She was so fucking cocky, No, so sure of herself.'
Frank paused. 'I used to feel like that, seems like light-years ago.'
'With Maggie?' Noah asked. Frank shut her eyes against the taboo name.
'Yeah,' she finally whispered, and when she didn't continue, Noah coaxed, 'Tell me more.'
Frank flapped a hand in a futile gesture. 'I don't know. Maybe it pissed me off that Kennedy reminded me of all that. Everything I used to have, used to be. Maybe it pissed me off that she still had it and I didn't, almost like she was mocking me. She made me feel stuff I didn't want to feel. She pissed me off. You know, part of me was hoping she'd lose it today. Piss in her pants or something. Anything to wipe that damn cocky smile off her face. I wanted to see her squirm for a change. And know that I was watching her.'
Distractedly, Frank rubbed at a doodle on the blotter. This time she continued without prompting.
'I've got things pretty much sewed up, No. The past is gone, it's over. It's all behind me, and I just keep moving on. I don't want to look back. I don't want to remember anything. I just keep looking forward. But I had no contingency plan for Kennedy. She got right in front of me, right in my face. It was like I couldn't go around her, couldn't move ahead. And I sure as shit didn't want to go backward. She’s hauled me out in places I didn't want to be at.'
'Yeah,' Noah agreed softly. 'Maybe when she stopped you, she touched you, and maybe that's a good thing. You're human, Frank, not Robo-cop.'
'Don't want to be human, No. Been there, done that.'
They were silent for a moment as Frank's finger meandered over the desktop. The gentle motion was hypnotic in the quiet room.
Noah said almost dreamily, 'Kennedy said something the other day.. .she made a crack about you, I forget what, but I busted up. I mean she was dead-on and I thought, man, she reminds me of Maggie, how she used to bust your chops all the time.'
Frank stared oddly at her old partner.
'You ever thought about that? Kinda like a tomboyish Maggie? They both got that same look, you know? Just kinda happy and...glad to be alive.'
For the second time that day Frank couldn't look at Noah. She nodded weakly at the floor. He pressed, 'Maybe that's where she stalled you out.'
Frank sat up, and with obvious effort reassembled her impregnable mask. 'Look,' she sighed. 'I owed you Kennedy, but not...'
