Exposure

tradition.

In fact my mother’s fears now pale in comparison to mine. I’ve managed to branch out. None of my new fears make any more sense than the paranoia. Bees (no, I’m not allergic). The dentist’s drill. (The mere sound of that thing!) Heights. Claustrophobia — especially dark, closed spaces. (Oh man, just thinking about that one. It’s second only to the fear of being watched.) Plummeting downhill, as in roller coasters.

Since the age of nine I’ve fought the fears. With that much experience under my belt, I have found ways to cope.

How about you? Not that I expect you to be plagued with as many fears as I have. But everyone is afraid of something. Better to get those fears out in the open where we can fight them. Because whatever they are, they too often guide our choices. They hold us back.

Not to mention they form our worst nightmares.

Think about it; torturing me would be easy. Just put me on a roller coaster in a dark, closed cage filled with bumblebees and a madly drilling dentist.

Hang on a sec. I’m starting to hyperventilate . . .

SIX

Minutes from home, Hannah almost turned back. The darkness made her insides feel like jelly. The streetlamps weren’t very far apart, but it still seemed so dim between them. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so dark if she were with somebody, but by herself . . . And lots of houses didn’t have porch lights on. Hannah tried to tell herself that was good — neighbors wouldn’t be so likely to see her. But the farther she went, the heavier her fear grew. Now she could hardly breathe.

At the end of her street — Brookwood Lane — Hannah stopped. She was shivering, but her palm felt moist, clamped around the handle of her suitcase. She dried her hand on her jeans.

The night was so very big.

She stood at the corner of East Margaret Street. Once she turned right she’d go to Butler Boulevard and turn left. Then it was a long way down even just to Main. Hannah thought of that right turn on Main, heading up toward the railroad tracks, and shivered.

Behind her a dog barked. Hannah jumped, then swiveled, searching the yards. She couldn’t see it, but it sounded like a big one. What if it came after her?

She veered onto East Margaret and broke into a run. At the next block her suitcase bumped down the curb, its wheels too loud against the pavement. Reaching the other side of the street, she barely slowed, and the wheels caught on the curb. Her suitcase jerked her back, and the handle bit into her palm. Pain tore through her shoulder. Hannah gasped and dropped the handle. Her bag twisted and fell on its side.

Hannah hunched over, cradling her right arm. Tears stung her eyes. This was stupid. Kaycee’s house was too far away. Why did she ever think she could get there in the dark?

Her shoulder hurt. And her palm. Hannah massaged them both.

She had to go back home.

Wiping tears away, she righted her suitcase. She turned it halfway around, then stopped. She couldn’t go back. All the house doors were locked. She’d have to ring the bell. Gail and her dad would be so mad. Hannah would be in big trouble. Probably couldn’t play with any of her friends for weeks. Or see Kaycee. She’d sit in her room day after day, listening while her “family” went on with their happy lives.

Why hadn’t she unlocked the garage door?

Some distance down, a car turned off Butler and drove toward Hannah.

She swung her suitcase back around and trotted for the closest house, pretending like she lived there. Its yard was dark. She turned up its sidewalk, then slowed, stealing glances at the car. As it passed, she picked up her suitcase and stepped onto the porch. Hannah held her breath.

The car drove on.

She waited until it was a few blocks up before turning around.

Back on the main sidewalk, she took a deep breath. No going back now. If she could just get past the railroad tracks, she wouldn’t be that far from Kaycee’s. And when she got there, Kaycee would realize how very sad she was at home. Surely Kaycee would say she could stay.

Fisting her fingers around the suitcase handle, Hannah walked as fast as she could. At Butler she turned left.

The sidewalk was narrow with lots of cracks. On the other side of the street lay a large field full of weeds. In the middle stood a bunch of trees. They looked so frightening in the dark. Hannah kept glancing at them, wondering who might be hiding there. Each block took forever. Hannah had to take them one at a time, telling herself, Just one more, just one more.

When she finally reached Main, her whole body trembled.

She crossed Main to the sidewalk and turned right to head up toward the tracks. This part of town felt old and spooky, with small houses close to the road on the other side. The street lamps on her side lit the way with puddles of light. Hannah walked faster between each lamp. Every tree branch seemed to bend toward her like in a scary cartoon, ready to snatch her up.

Two cars passed. Hannah’s muscles knotted as she waited for the cars to slow and ask her what she was doing out by herself at night. But they drove on by.

Maybe they hadn’t seen her. Maybe they didn’t care.

Maybe one of them would come back and kidnap her.

Hannah moved faster.

The sidewalk ended in gravel, making it hard to pull her suitcase. Hannah trudged over the rocks and reached the railroad tracks. She could swear she’d been walking for hours. Her nerves snapped with every step, and her ankles shook. Picking up her suitcase to step over the tracks, Hannah looked right and left for trains, even though the signals lay silent. About forty trains passed through town every day. Hannah could hear them from her house. So could Kaycee.

In each direction the tracks faded to blackness.

Hannah crossed over as fast as she could and put down her suitcase. She glanced at the police station, then veered left past the red boxcar that was the Rail-Side Museum, and onto Rice Street.

The darkness deepened. There were street lights, but one up ahead wasn’t working. After the Rail-Side Museum on her left were a couple of old white trailers that nobody lived in. The tracks ran parallel to the road. On her right was the Jessamine Christian Health Care clinic. Her doctor had an office there. Hannah’s suitcase wheels sounded so loud in the stillness. Her heart beat hard against her ribs, her breaths shallow and fast. She shouldn’t have come this way. Better to take a chance on the Main Street lights —

A whistle sounded far behind her.

Train. Hannah froze. The warning went off, clanging the air like a hundred bells in her ears. A rumble began, growing louder. Hannah shrank away from the tracks, hardly able to bear the noise. She’d seen trains pass plenty of times during the day, but now, out here alone at night . . .

The clanging screeched, and the rumble turned into a roar. The whistle blew and blew. Hannah bent over, hands clapped to her ears and eyes squeezed shut. The train came screaming, wind funneling around her body.

I’m going to die.

An eternity passed, and still the train rushed by like some hungry monster. Hannah couldn’t stand it. Yanking up her suitcase handle, she ran as fast as she could up the road, her mouth gulping air. As the caboose passed, she hit the road’s curve to the right, where it turned into Walters Lane.