he shared with her the more miraculous and wonderful. She knew that he smiled with his eyes.
Only, his eyes weren't smiling now. Dark, grave and compassionate, they gazed steadily into hers. 'Baby,' he said softly, 'how long has it been?'
She closed her eyes. 'Five years.'
'And in all that time, you mean to tell me there hasn't been anyone else?'
'No,' she whispered. 'No one.'
'Why not?'
'I don't know, I guess… I just wasn't ready.'
'And now?'
There was a long silence, broken only by a muffled sniff. Then Tony lowered his head and kissed her, gently licking the salty tears from her lips. 'You were right,' he said in the gruff and tender voice she loved. 'It's moving too fast for you. You're not ready. You'll know when you are. Let me know, okay?'
No! she wanted to cry. I am ready! I don't know what's the matter with me… But, overcome with emotion, she could only grip his wrists tightly and nod.
'Hey, it's okay. I'll see you tomorrow.' He kissed her once more, lightly, and stood up. Karen stood up, too, brushing at her wet cheeks. He hesitated, reached out as if to touch her, then let his hand drop. 'Don't cry,' he said in a hoarse whisper, and then he left her.
Karen was glad the next day was Sunday and that she didn't have to fight her way to work, since she had no experience whatsoever driving in snow and would probably have ended up in a ditch somewhere-or worse. Andrew, of course, couldn't wait to bundle up and go outside to play, though his winter clothes were woefully inadequate. His Christmas presents were going to have to be on the practical side this year, Karen thought with a pang as she watched him from the bay window, trying to roll snowballs in a pair of her old driving gloves. Boots, mittens and a warm winter coat-not the sort of things to make a little boy's eyes light up on Christmas morning.
But at least there was the train. It would make up for a lot, if only Tony could get it running in time.
Tony came over a little after noon to work on the train, stopping off in the front yard first for a snowy roughhouse with Andrew. They came in together, noisy and laughing, stomping and melting in dirty puddles all over the floor, thereby overriding any awkwardness that might have remained after last night.
After adding the two strings of Christmas lights he'd brought with him to the one already on the tree, Tony settled down to the painstaking task of reassembling the switchbox. Andrew put a second coat of paint on the caboose, and then, bored with that job, spent the rest of the afternoon hanging sycamore balls on the tree and pestering Tony with questions. Karen stayed in the kitchen and decorated cookies by herself.
Just before dinnertime Tony went home, saying he had some things he needed to do and an early workday the next morning, and promising to come back the next night. Andrew didn't argue or try to persuade him to stay, but Karen caught him looking from her to Tony and back again with worry and uncertainty in his eyes. Oh, how her heart ached for him, for his fear and vulnerability! All her instincts yearned to shield and protect him, but she knew she couldn't, not from this. She didn't know any way to protect her child from the pain and risk of loving someone.
After supper, Karen and Andrew tried to do some more work on the train, but without Tony the apartment seemed very quiet and empty, and after a while they gave up and went to bed early.
By the next day the streets were clear, though wet in streaks and patches from melting snow. Karen had intended to take Andrew to work with her, but when they met Mr. Clausen on the front walk, the old man asked if Andrew would like to stay with him instead. Karen had reservations, but Andrew was so enthusiastic about the idea that she gave in, with the stipulation that he was to call her immediately if he had any problems. They both promised readily and earnestly that they would, and went off together hand in hand, beaming at each other with the special glow of Christmas co-conspirators.
Relieved of the responsibility of entertaining Andrew, Karen used her lunch hour to shop for his Christmas presents. With the money she'd saved on car repairs she bought him a warm coat with a hood, rubber boots, and a ski cap and mittens. She also bought an inexpensive calculator, a book of magic tricks and another of silly riddles, a three-dimensional puzzle and some candy canes to put in his Christmas stocking. As for the other people on her list, she'd already brought a big plate of Christmas cookies for Louise and her family, and a smaller one for her boss, Mr. James. She meant to do the same for Mrs. Gold-rich and Mr. Clausen. That left Tony.
There was nothing like trying to think of the right gift, she reflected, to make you realize how little you know about someone. She realized that she didn't even know Tony's size, or what he liked or what he needed. Everything she saw was either too expensive or just seemed wrong, somehow. She supposed she could always give him cookies, too, and she would. She knew he would love them. But she wanted to give him something else, something… more. Something that would tell him how she felt about him. Something that was special to her, as he was. Something that was a part of her. As he was, now.
When she got home, she barely had time to hide her purchases in her bedroom before Andrew came crashing through the front door, looking furtive with his glasses precariously balanced on the end of his nose and a big bulge under his coat. He scuttled sideways through the living room and slammed his bedroom door, emerging a short while later looking calmer, but with an air of suppressed excitement. He made Karen take a solemn oath not to go into his room until after Christmas. She made him do the same.
That night, Tony brought pizza again, and two wrapped presents to put under the tree. While they were eating, a cold wind sprang up, rattling the shutters and whistling under the eaves. Inside, the old house seemed to shiver with delicious Christmas secrets…
On the day before Christmas, the insurance office was due to close at noon, and since it was only for half a day, Karen took Andrew with her to work. On the way home, they stopped at the grocery store to pick up some wrapping paper and ribbon, and a few last-minute things for Christmas Eve dinner. Back at the apartment, Karen put Andrew to work in the kitchen arranging cookies on plates for Mrs. Goldrich and Mr. Clausen, as well as a nice big boxful to take to Tony's family on Christmas Day.
'Leave some for us to eat tonight,' she reminded him.
Andrew looked at her over the top of his glasses. 'And some for Tony.'
Karen smiled a secret smile, thinking of the gift she'd found for Tony. The perfect gift, a part of herself. 'It's all right, I've already got his put away.'
'Oh,' said Andrew casually. 'That's all right, then.'
'Andrew,' Karen said, 'I've been thinking. How would you like to invite Mr. Clausen to join us tonight?'
'You could,' Andrew said, licking colored sugar off his fingers, 'but I don't think he can come.'
'Why not?'
He gave her a patient look, lifted one shoulder and said simply, 'It's Christmas Eve.'
'Oh,
While Andrew was busy with the cookies, Karen wrapped all her presents, including Tony's, and put them under the tree. Then she and Andrew went to deliver the cookies to Mrs. Goldrich and Mr. Clausen.
A man answered Mrs. Goldrich's door and introduced himself as her son, Howard. Through the open door Karen could hear voices and laughter and Christmas music being played on the radio. It made her feel glad to know that Mrs. Goldrich would be happy on Christmas Eve, at least. And somewhat relieved. She'd been feeling guilty about not inviting her landlady to join them, since she was going to invite Mr. Clausen.
But no one was home at Mr. Clausen's. After the second knock, Andrew shrugged and said, 'I told you.'
'Well,' Karen said, 'we'll just leave them here, in case he comes back.' She ran downstairs and wrote a little note, telling him that he was welcome to join them if he got home in time, then tucked it under the plastic wrapping
